OMG!!! Please tell me this gets easier!!
ok, I hope that people on here are really as understanding as i seen last night when i found this site! (thank you god for giving me a way to vent without being judged)
Background story: my husband and I have been married for 2 years and have a daughter on the way (august), a son that is 1.5 years old, and then there is the step-monster son that will be 6 in September. The step-monster lives with his mother (who we refer to as "spawn of Satan" cause she is really that mean to people) and her parents. He wasn't so bad until the past year...when he was 4 he was a pretty good kid. yeah, he had his moments of not listening or other things but not like he does now!! It seems like every time we have him he is rude, disrespectful of others and their things, has a problem eating what we eat, demands things instead of asking nicely, and has accidents in the bed(something he hasn't done in 1.5 years here but his mom still to this day puts pull-ups on him every.single.night.) she also "caters" to him so all he ever eats is what we classify as "junk food" in our house (IE chicken nuggets, fries, chips, popcorn, mac and cheese, and other snacks).
This weeks issue: this week (so far) has been heck! we got the monster on the Saturday before fathers day and have him until this coming Sunday. being that my son is new to the climbing on things and does the copy your every move thing right now we have asked that the monster stays down off the furniture that he knows his brother can fall off of and get hurt (which he continues to climb on things {IE toy table, climbs over arms of couch, etc} knowing that we have said this everyday at least twice a day since Saturday and that every time he is here we don't allow "climbing or jumping" on furniture regardless). every night we have to "fight" with him to eat his dinner (cause spawn takes him to "fast food" all the time the kid literally has every toy that comes in a kids meal by the end of the week). here is an example of the dinner project...last night we had spaghetti (he has had it before here at least 4 times and never acted like he did last night)and i gave him the same amount i gave my 1 year old (who by the way eats way better than the 6 year old and it blows my mind but i guess that is what happens when you are catered to at one place and not at another). we sat down to eat at 715pm and when 8pm rolled around the family was done...well all but the monster who had only at like 3 bites. so we let him continue to eat and then 830 rolled around and still same amount in his bowl. my husband works 3rd shift so he was going to go take a nap before work and gets up at 11pm to get ready to go. he told my step son "you need to hurry up and eat and stop worrying about whats going on around you. If you are still sitting here eating when I get up to go to work you will be in trouble." then he requested that I not say anything to him and to let him sit there until he comes to tell me he has cleaned his bowl. well since I watch tv to relax as I rock my son to sleep we were sitting in the living room doing so (tv is visible from where our table is) and at 930 monster comes to tell me he has to use the bathroom. so i tell him to go to the bathroom and then finish eating. needless to say still had half a bowl at 930 :jawdrop: . well at 1030 i got up to go to the bathroom myself and he apparently decided that he better hurry cause his dad would be getting up so he started shoveling his food thinking i was waking his dad up. he was still eating at 11pm (last bite) so he got in trouble. he is not allowed to watch tv or play with toys til after lunch today but only if he eats good. we have tried everything with him from u have a set time to eat all the way to taking away privileges for the past year and nothing seems to work. he does get better at using his manners and eating by the end of the week but then by next time we see him for the weekend its crap again. :? what really has me is that when we went to my mother in laws she literally spoon fed him just so he would eat and when my husband said that it was ridiculous that she was doing that she said "all kids go through this its just a phase" but then she continued to say that spawn does it to him too!!!! SO I think the poor kid is going into regression from being babied by his mother to the point he expects everyone to do it and we treat him like he is 6 not like he is 1. HELP!!! does anyone else have this problem?
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maybe i should be a little
maybe i should be a little more clear...my DH works 3rd shift and has a part time job during the day. we have my SS 3 weeks out of the summer (not all at once) and every other weekend. we have tried your suggestion and it doesnt work with him either. we are both worried that my SS is anemic since he has really dark circles around his eyes all the time (which lighten up after we finally get him to eat right which is about the middle of the week so I am hoping today he does better and we give him multivitamins when he is here), is always cold, and tired all the time as well. we took him to a nutritionist who also thinks he is either going to be anemic or due to what he gets with his BM is in the beginning stages of texture problems which can only be helped by a psychiatrist. we just want the best for him and we try not to play my S1 against my SS6 but we do try to make it a game to see which can finish first to help my SS but that doesnt work either.
Echo- thank you! lol but the
Echo- thank you! lol but the bad thing is I do that with him. he knows I dont play but he acts out when my DH is hear and I think its because he thinks well if I do this I will get attention. see what I am saying? I had to tell my DH that "we need to both be on the same page with the kids." so he is getting better about it but keep in mind the SS hasnt been "acting out" like he is now until the last 8-10 months and was actually a really good kid before he turned into this monster recently. We already do the "if your not done when we are you dont get...xyz" which is a hit or miss with him. I think it is starting to work though so I keep doing it to him hoping he will understand we dont do it to be mean but he has to learn that when he goes to school he has to eat what he is given and the same goes for anywhere else. on another note...I am worried that the school he goes to will call DFACS on his BM if he doesnt eat at school. (not that i mind cause that just means he might get to come stay here which I think is a better environment for him) But i dont wish anything bad on someone even if I dont like them.
jenw- thanks. lol i do think
jenw- thanks. lol i do think he acts like he does cause of his BM treating him like she does. he wasnt like this before like i said so i dont know what has changed there but everything here has remained the same minus the addition of my BS1 and soon to be BD(august). he enjoys playing with his brother too so i know its not the kid addition that has him messed up. i just want the best for the little monster!
The climbing ... is he being
The climbing ... is he being occupied enough during the day? Boys have such built-up energy. IS he being enouraged to walk, run, climb outside? This is what boys WANT to do. His father should be taking him for a loooong walk in the afternoon or before his part time job durng the day. Not only will it exercise the crap out of him but gives him some bonding time and talk time with his son.
I know you are pregnant and have an 18 mth old. But a 4-5 yr old cannot be responsible for the behaviour of an 18 mth old.
Unfortunately this is your job. Put the boy in 'time out' for 5 mins. Then if it gets too horrible for you make arrangements for him to be in daycare while your DH is at work.
See, this is HIS child and you should not be expected to take on rearing someone else's child without everyone being on the same page. The dinner thing? He will NOT starve himself and NO ONE will condemn you for not making him eat dinner.
One thing that is working for my G/Daughter who cries every night and makes a stinky fuss at bedtime .... he gets 6 pennies beside his plate. Every 5 minutes a penny gets taken away that he isn't eating. So he has 30 minutes to eat his dinner. At the end of 30 minutes he gets to choose from a magic bag of (cheap dollar store) gifts. One penny per gift.If he has food left in his plate, no gifts and he tries again tomorrow night.
What also helped my g/daughter eat veges etc was to grow our own veges like tomatoes and lettuce. Even a tomato plant can be grown in an apartment.
I don't really care how tired your DH is. He chose to have his son during this time and he needs to take care of his son. The court has not appointed you guardian of the boy. You are simply his father's wife living in the same home. Emotionally and morally you are responsible for him. We ALL are (damnit!). But your DH doesn't get to pass off his son to you and then not back you up. My darling DH would just 'tell' me he was going out. I asked him who was watching his sons. HE assumed I was. Ummm, no. YOu didn't ASK me. I have plans myself. DO NOT assume I will take care of YOUR sons without ASKING me first.
I would bet he has too much pent up energy hence the furniture climbing etc. Exercise the crap out of the boy!
How do you get a kid to run
How do you get a kid to run walk play etc. Outside that doesn't want to do anything but watch tv? We do things with the kids to "wear them out" and my SS either doesn't partake or says he is too tired to play. My DH backs me up fully if I am watching my SS for him. He doesn't make me do it, I choose to watch him so my DH can get some sleep ( only gets like 2-3 hours a day unless he is off then he gets a little more but sporaticallly). Also my SS is NEVER incharge of his brother. He is asked not to do things when he is playing with his brother that can cause BOTH to get hurt. I am always in the same room or right outside the room door cleaning or something to make sure they are ok. My DH also spends a lot of time with his son playing board games, soccer, or even playing pretend with him. I don't want people to think my DH doesn't do anything at all cause he does. We are just trying to instill the fact that my SS has to listen to ANY and ALL adults that he is with at any given time ( something his BM is not teaching him at all) regardless of who they are. We don't want him growing up saying "your not my mom" or "your not the boss of me" to adults that are caretakers for him.
I also have trouble with my
I also have trouble with my SS5 eating. It is SUPER frustrating - we have him every weekday evening until 8:30p. If he straight up refuses to eat we can say "no more food tonight" but we know BM will give him whatever he wants as soon as he goes home.
We did the "sit at the table until you're done" thing a few times, and I was as frustrated and angry as he was by the end. That's the reason we switched to the timer - he gets 30 minutes to eat whatever and then we're done. He whines a bit for snacks later, but it is unbelievably less stressful for me.
GOOD REPORT! the monster SS
yes he gets positive
yes he gets positive encouragement and lots of love when he does act well. thanks again for your comments.
we used "cleaning his bed" as
we used "cleaning his bed" as a consequent once when he wet the bed when he was WIDE AWAKE and able to walk to the bathroom. ever since then he knows that if he wets the bed he cleans it up. its not a punishment for him at all now its just part of the routine if he has an accident. (which works great because we want him to know that you cant just leave urine sitting in your room without it smelling bad and i figure if he knows that he changes the sheets then it will help him to go to the bathroom before bed and cut down on any accidents) my 18 month old son vacuums (i help him some but he does it on his own most the time while i supervise) we try to teach them young about how to keep things clean.
most of the "chores" the boys do are things they either like doing or offer to help do we never make them do it. suggestion on how to get the twins to make their beds if your up for it... make it a game like who can get done first or sing a song type thing about how to make the bed. its silly at first but then in no time they are doing it without you saying too. My SS makes his bed every time he sleeps in it (singing the "hurry hurry make the bed" song that we made up together when I was teaching him how to do it).