After the failure of first marriages.
It seems after the failure of my bf and my first marriage, it seems that we both have lost our freedom. We have our children thinking they have all the say of our relationship and our parents have the say too, and still the ex's have say. Well not my ex as my child is not my ex's.
My bf's parents won't allow bf and I to date, and neither will his kids allow it. It is good his parents don't live in town. Bm won't allow his parents to be in contact with his children.
I know, I know my bf should have a backbone and be able to stand up to his ex and parents, but he is afraid of the Bm turning his boys against him. BM did not allow his
grandparents contact with grandchildren during marriage. He is happy to have parents in his life again. His parents are bankrolling the divorce payout and BM knows it so she won't sign the divorce papers.
I love my bf more than I have loved anyone. Intimately we are very close. What we have is very special.
My bf has lots of healing issues, and soon we will be going into therapy together to help us move forward.
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I had never looked at it that
I had never looked at it that way, but that is exactly what it is. In first marriages if you have crazy in-laws, your DH treats you bad, etc...people normally listen and give fair advice...once you are divorced with kids, or you marry someone with kids, it is expected that you will do as everyone else says you should do, think, etc...and if you don't, then you are evil and they will make your life hell.
Yeah he is 39 and I am 40. It
Yeah he is 39 and I am 40. It is babyboomer parents wanting to protect their children, but not trusting our judgment for who we chose to be with the first time. He married cause he thought that is what was expected of him even though he says he didn't love her. I married cause I was 34 and in a common law relationship for 3 years. My ex suffers from bi-polar and is an alcoholic. We both are aware that our marriages were a mistake, and we are in no hurry to get re-married. We just want to be accepted by our families and children. We are both loving people and never fight. He did everything he could to make his ex happy. Let her have a closet full of 600 dollar shoes, and 400 dollar jeans. He bought her a Land Rover for her birthday and he paid for her plastic surgery. He married the trophy wife who was demanding, and when he put himself into debt to make her happy, she left him. They had no intimacy as the relationship was about trying to make her happy and she never was.I am low maintenance, indpendent. The only thing that annoys me about him is that he let's his ex berate him and she gets her way. He is realizing this isn't healthy and is recognizing this dynamic.
We are 40 have baggage, but we are 40 and very much in love. We listen to each other respect each other and support each other. We feel lucky to have met each other and know we are better for it.
Your BF's ex sounds like my
Your BF's ex sounds like my DH's ex. They got married because "it was the thing to do" and "he didn't know it could be any better." He said there was never the thought of love, but he felt it was expected. She was/is greedy and had to have the best of everything, and since the divorce (10 years now) she has put herself into debt living in her (formerly their) mansion alone and racking up credit card debt.
DH says he looked for the complete opposite of her when we met, and MIL says I'm completely different. It feels good to have nothing in common with the greedy b***h, but the baggage on his side is annoying.
I don't quite understand the "not allowing him to date you" part; at his age, he should have some backbone and not live according to his parents' wishes unless they support him.
My inlaws hated/still hate DH's ex. They felt she took advantage of him when he was young (she's a few years older than him) and he says that he was with her partly to spite them. He's very happy they love me, but I know their opinion isn't what matters most.
Hmm... you say that everyone
Hmm... you say that everyone won't allow you to date. Parents, ex's, kids, and yet it sounds like you are dating?
So, I guess you just have to determine what is important. What is a priority? Family will cause a lot of problems "out of love for you" they don't want to see you get hurt is all. But, if you feel strongly about something then what can you do but to just say that's what you're going to do.
Maybe you are both unsure whether you want this? And so you are listening to all these people. Sometimes we do things unconciously. (like being afraid to committ again so you are drawn to someone who is not really available)
Regardless of whether or not they get used to the idea that you guys will date, it sounds like a lot of hurt all around, with some to spare. Not just now but for awhile. My own situation with my bf is not ideal, but i don't have his family and my family against us. (just his ex.. which is no surprise!)
Maybe you should sit down with family seperately, kids seperately and have an honest talk about why they are so against it? Maybe share why you want it? If it's about them not wanting you to get hurt, then you are old enough to make that choice and acknowledge that there will be some pain but this person might be worth it. If their reasons are valid, you might need to reconsider. If they are not, then it doesn't matter what they say. It can't hurt the situation to try and have a talk as to why they are so opposed, allowing them to give their reasons and you to share your thoughts in return.
But, at the end of the day, it's YOUR life and you're the only one who has to live it. It's easy for them to try and tell you what to do. They don't have to live with the consequences, YOU DO.