Am i crazy for wanting to bond with my SKIDS?
Just wondering, if this upsets anyone as much as it upsets me. My skids arent terrors and ever nasty to me, but they really just dont seem to care about me at all. They say Please and Thank you. Yes they can be brats sometimes they are 8 & 11.
They just dont want to bond or seem to care about me at all. They arent affectionate kids at all, they dont even hug grandparents or extended family. i come from a very affectionate family and very close and we express how we feel. so for me i take it personally and feel rejected.
i have tried to bond in different ways, being interested in there lives, sports, games... i have even tried to buy love i took them on a amazing holiday with quad bike riding, horse riding, paint balling etc.
i come in and say hello and normally i get a hi but nothing else, they just answer the questions i ask and thats it. i get myself all worked up and feel rejected all the time. My partner thinks im nuts and its just how the kids are and they dont hate me, but i also think its social manners that the kids should be taught if someone enters your house you say hello and make a bit of an effort.
if the kids dont give me the response i want, i normally take it out on my partner which is wrong, but its also his parenting skills that have made them the way that they are. It's affecting our relationship when they are over.
i just dont think its crazy i am getting upset over trying to have a bond with them and getting rejecting and honeslty them not caring AT ALL
should i not worry i dont have any bond or relationship with my skids? or just accept this the way they are and wont even change?
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also to clarify! i dont try
also to clarify! i dont try and PUSH bonding time with them.. we all live together but we have lived together for 18months and ive been dating for 3 years. so its not like this is a new situation.
I wouldn't worry about it if
I wouldn't worry about it if you can help it. You cant force bonding. If they dont feel it then they dont. You cant make them. I have an amazing bond with SD5.....not so much with SD14. Age is a factor as well as how the bio parents treat you or see your role in the family. I think you should probably lay off of your partner also. It sounds like he is doing a great job. They say please and thank you...they are respectful...that is 10000 steps ahead of allot of peoples step children. Be grateful for that and for him!
thanks for the advice, i know
thanks for the advice, i know i am very lucky hearing alot of the stories on the site from nightmare skids. but the reason i get so upset it my relationship with my partner is amazing and im sooo lucky that he is so good to me and we have no issues, only issue is the kids. And want for him to have me having a bond or good relationship with his kids.
So i guess if it doesnt affect them or seem so mind then i guess i need to drink more wine and not care!
well hopefully one day i
well hopefully one day i would totally love having a nice relationship with them! i am alot younger then my partner so i would never trying and pull the trying to be your mum card! but even just liking me as a person/friend would be enough for me..
One day it may slowly change, ive ordered that step monster book so i will have a read and try not take it personally
ohh ok, well i think it will
ohh ok, well i think it will be interesting to read none the less. i will keep trying to have a positive relationship with them, for them and also for my partner.. but at the end of the day if they dont want a enjoyable relationship with me the only option would be a survival one with them so i am not the one always hurt and upset!
They are at an age that may
They are at an age that may or may not be conducive to Sparent/Skid bonding. It depends on the kid(s) and the relationship they have with your blended family bioequivalent.
I also think that at the age your Skids are it can take more time than you have been in the blended family.
I have been SS-18's dad since he was 1yo so our bonding was much easier that what you are dealing with as far as 8 & 11yo skids are concerned.
No, you are not crazy. Bonding and having a decent relationship with Skids is what we all strive for and a critical element of a happy marriage in a blended family.
Unfortunately Skid behavior and the behavior of the blended family opposition often prevents the bonding. When that happens it is critical that Sparents focus on the marriage as the core of the blended family and work with our spouse to protect the marriage from the toxic crap generated by the Skids blended family opposition.
All IMHO.
Treat them the same...your DH
Treat them the same...your DH will more than likely give you some "but the kids feel that you don't care, blah, blah, blah"...maybe then he'll get the hint. The problem many times is that not only do we NOT like how they treat us, but that we continue to treat them nicely when they really could care less...it wears us out. You need to treat people as you want to be treated, but if after 18mos they treat you the way THEY want to treat you, then you need to change plans and treat them the same...
I don't think you're wrong
I don't think you're wrong for wanting to bond with your skids. But like everybody says, you can't force it.
I had the opposite situation. SD was 10 when I married her dad and I had met her ONCE. She was a horrible brat that day, and I expected to just tolerate her. We're long-distance NCPs, so we don't see her very often at all. SD was/is very bubbly and affectionate - and I'm not comfortable with overt shows of affection.
Yet somehow, as SD got older and started to think for herself rather than being BM's parrot, my heart started to warm up. SD is 15 now, and we're about as close as we can get. With her permission, I'm sure I will eventually end up claiming her as my daughter - not of body, but of heart and mind. She doesn't call me Mom, but that's okay.
I think a huge factor that
I think a huge factor that plays into this is how you mention they do not come from affectionate families and do not give affection. My skids are 3 and 6 and they are the LEAST affectionate kids I've ever met in my life. They have always gotten tons of love and affection from my FDH, but their BM is very cold and awkward (as well as her whole family). The only time she gives them physical love is when she's trying to put on a show (when I'm around, basically) and you can tell it's so forced because the kids refuse to "play along". They don't get excited when they see anyone! When we pick them up from daycare or drop them off, we ALWAYS give hugs and kisses...but it's like pulling teeth. It's such a strange thing and it makes me feel really bad when I see the other kids who RUN to their parents when they get there, or who love to give the good-bye hugs and kisses.
I don't really have any advice but I think some kids are just raised that way...and you can't really force it. Just continue to love them the way you would want to be loved at those ages, and all you can do is hope that one day they'll see how much you cared. Just realize that they are STILL kids, even if they seem to give off an older, more mature vibe because of their non-affection.