I'm new, my situation
I’m a SM to a 3 y/o girl. Being a SM is not something I wanted to do, and I didn’t get involved with a man with a child. My DH and I have been together for 7 ½ years, he made a “mistake” and we decided to work through it, but now I have SD3 in my life, a BM who’s crazy and a guilty dad. Plus we now have BS11months.
I have tried to be involved in the situation, but decided to step back (disengage). I will not allow myself to be taken advantage of and I think if I’m going to do the dirty work when she’s around (all the “motherly” things), I should be able to voice my opinion about certain behaviors and ask questions. But when I do that, DH gets defensive and doesn’t seem to see what I’m talking about or care to address the problem.
Financially, my DH is the one responsible for her – if she needs a pin he has to buy it which leaves me financially responsible for our son to a great extent. Obviously this annoys me, I think BM should work to help provide for her child, but she’s too damn lazy to.
The little girl just will not eat “real” food. She’s at our house and all she wants to eat is either junk food or fast food. I spoke to DH about this recently. I told him that I will not have 2 different rules in my home and that he should try to ensure that she eats properly when she’s here – obviously we can’t control what she eats when she’s not here. His response is that she’s not here as often as he’d like, so he doesn’t want to make her “uncomfortable” while she’s here. Ummm… ok.
She does not greet people even when her father tells her to. If we correct her about something simple, she starts crying like we beat her. and her dad starts coddling. There are no boundaries as to what she can have, so last Christmas, he opened my son’s gifts from his GM (my mom) and she's the one who played with them first. I do not like the way she looks at me and my son; and if my son tries to play with her, she’ll push his hand away. I did realize that she played with him while her older cousin was playing with him over the weekend (mimicking what her cousin was doing). There’
s just so much and I’m tired.
It’s not like my DH doesn’t know that there are problems. He’s said it himself that there are behavioral and eating problems (he even said she’s “spoiled”), he’s just not willing to do anything about it.
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Tell him your marriage is in
Tell him your marriage is in jeopardy over this issue and suggest couple's counseling. If he's aware there are problems, but not willing to deal with them, then he's putting you and your BS 2nd to his "mistake." Notice, I didn't say his child, because her best interests are not being looked out for either; she, too, is being put 2nd to his "mistake." This isn't something that will go away on it's own. Consequences in terms of his daughter's behavior are years down the road and, right now, just an abstract concept to DH. You need to show him what the consequences will be next week, next month, next year if this is not changed. Also, be ready to stand your ground; if you waiver at all on what you say, you've forever engraved your doormat status into his mind.
Well he says he intends to do
Well he says he intends to do "something" but has an excuse for why he's not following through. I've already told him what I expect and that will not change. I'm not always present when he spends time with her, but when I'm there I don't expect certain things to take place. I do not want my son exposed to the dysfunction.
Some days are just a struggle though.
Ok, first I think you must be
Ok, first I think you must be some kind of saint, because this would not fly with me. I have forgiven an indescretion (but truth be told, another thing I've learned from a life time of mistakes is most times, you probably shouldn't) but there is no way that the product of an affair would be in my house, ever. I would of course want my SO to provide child support, but one of the conditions of reconciliation and a continued relationship with me would be no contact with the child or the BM, other than through a lawyer.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but can't see a good outcome to this situation.
I'm with neveragain on this
I'm with neveragain on this one sorry. I too have forgiven a "mistake." But that mistake by no means resulted in a child. I wouldn't be able to stomach the child. You must really be a good person because that child would never set foot in my house. Sorry, I feel really bad for you.
Neveragain and
Neveragain and Unfreakingreal, it was not an easy decision and we didn't just go back to normal from the beginning. It's been a long and hard road. In the beginning I didn't even want to see a picture of her let alone see her in the flesh.
I did try to "do the right thing" and accept her though but I think he's starting to take advantage of the fact that I'm trying to do the best I can. He's starting to think that he "deserves" more than he does. He's starting to think this is normal. Now I'm starting to feel resentful again. Especially because I feel like my child is being disadvantaged at times. Her behavior doesn't make the situation any better. He's not making the situation any better.
I just feel guilty for feeling this way sometimes.
Don't feel guilty. Screw him.
Don't feel guilty. Screw him. Don't do shit for a kid that is a constant reminder of his indiscretion. Let's not forget that he put your life in danger by having unprotected sex which resulted in a KID. A KID that is now making things hard for you and YOUR kid. I'm sorry, I feel awful for you and you must really love this man because I wouldn't have been able to forgive him. That would have been a deal breaker for me. I can't give you advice and I'm usually really good about putting things in perspective but add to this your DH is acting like an ass too? As if he is ENTITLED to ANYTHING? He's really a piece of work. I'm angry for you.
Thanks. You just made me feel
Thanks. You just made me feel like somebody understands the way I feel. I do love him and outside of the issues that this has created we have a good relationship. I just need him to understand that his relationship with her is different frm my relationship with her. I will never feel the way that he does but he needs to step up to the plate to make things better than they are right now.
You sound like a very kind
You sound like a very kind person. It's funny that you say that he's taking advantage and acting like this is normal because I was going to come back and post that although some people will come on here and say its not fair to the child, I also don't think it's right to make this sort of thing seem like it is normal and ok. What is going to happen when your child gets older and figures all this out? Do you want to teach your child that its ok to cheat and to get someone pregnant or get pregnant, and then just expect your SO/husband/wife to acceept it? I just think it's not a good thing, not a good thing at all. You are suffering because you feel guilty for standing up for yourself.
I do think about how my son
I do think about how my son will feel about this kind of situation. I hope that I can teach him better though. I'm just not sure how I'll approach the topic at the time without seeming as if I'm chastising his sister.
This is what I mean. You
This is what I mean. You really should be able to discuss the situation and give your point of view without worrying about how it makes his sister "look" or feel. What your DH did was wrong, pure and simple. Your son needs to know that in no uncertain terms. If it makes him question his dads morals, or the anquish his sister has caused, so be it. Your DH did this to your family; not you. You shouldn't have to sugar coat the truth, or make bad behavior and consequences seem seem good. If your step daughter feels bad, then maybe it will teach her never to mess with a man who is in a relationship. If it makes her bio mom look bad, well, if the shoe fits .......
I agree. I've thought about
I agree. I've thought about it and my son needs to know what's right and what's wrong and I will not change the way I would have said it if his father hadn't done what he did.
If my DH had an affair I
If my DH had an affair I would not forgive him. I would leave him and divorce him and that would be that. You could have done that and you choose to reconcile. Therefore you chose to accept him for who he is and that is a father. I commend you for being able to do this. My first DH cheated on me several times and I took him back a few...but the final time when he got his GF prego with twins I knew I could not do it and I walked. If I would have chose to stay with him I two would have forced myself to accept his kids. You take the man and you take the baggage. If you cant handle the baggage then you dont take the man. The End.
Since you chose to reconcile and allow him and all of his burdens into you life (his child) now is the hard part...living with it. It sounds like you are doing the best you can. You have to get him on board. If he will not you are back at your original choice. Leave or stay. Since staying hasnt worked out maybe it will be time to leave. Only you know. Good luck!
I agree, I did accept him
I agree, I did accept him back as a father and that's all I want him to be. Me accepting him as such does not mean that I have to accept foolishness as well. Expecting a child to adapt to certain rules that he himself agree with is not asking too much.
Oh I totally agree with
Oh I totally agree with you...which is why I said he needs to get on board. If he wont he wont that is his choice...but then you have choices to make also. I say the indiscretion - strike 1. The kid - strike 2. Parenting issues that he refuses to correct would be strike 3 and your OUT.
Yup he does need to either
Yup he does need to either correct it or keep it the hell away from me. The problem, ie.
I might be able to forgive DH
I might be able to forgive DH with counselling but I would not ever want him to see the child or have it in our lives. Nothing would change my mind about that. I understand DH would have to pay cs but that would be done through the courts and there would never be any contact with the BM or child.
My father~in~law had an affair that resulted in a son (he would now be 43). He has never seen him or payed cs.
"I told him that I will not
"I told him that I will not have 2 different rules in my home and that he should try to ensure that she eats properly when she’s here – obviously we can’t control what she eats when she’s not here. His response is that she’s not here as often as he’d like, so he doesn’t want to make her “uncomfortable” while she’s here."
Um, hmmm. Ok, he needs to be reminded how you are uncomfortable in your home with the result of his indiscretion.
You are a better woman than me. I really hope things work out for you. Just looks like you are going to have to push a bit more and remind him he owes you.
Thanks. He does need to be
Thanks. He does need to be reminded of some facts. If he can't keep his responsibilities in check then I don't want to have anything to do with it until he can man up and quit the guilty parenting.