DW is supporting my disengagement
For those of you that have not read my entries, I am a step-father living with a SD17. Her mission in life is to break up my marriage. For the last few months, she consistently pushed me to the limit with her behavior. DW is a "friend" parent who doesn't enforce discipline, and doesn't allow me to parent. Up until recently, she **did**, however, expect me to help with SD17 (grades, running her around town, etc.).
Right before I found this site, I developed the idea of disengagement on my own (calling it "withdrawl," I think). Once I found ST, I saw that many people have disengaged from their skids, but often get blowback from their SO's. However, when I pulled back, DW was actually very supportive. Since I have nothing to do with her kid anymore, DW get along much better. I have made some adjustments, such as encouraging "mother-daughter" time, and hiding out in the bedroom, but it hasn't been too terrible. I openly told her that I was disengaging, and she supports that. She now knows better than to ask me to do anything with or for SD17, and she (DW) actually spends more one-on-one time with me now.
In the end, I think that we both came to the realization that DW's permissive parenting did not work, and that it is too late to change things. Rather than state my opinions on how she could do things differently, I just let it go. We are just going to be in "damage control" mode until SD is finally out of the house - hopefully no babies, drug habits, or vehicular manslaughters. However, once SD is out, I have DW's firm committment that there will be no turning back with SD. DW is going to quit her job and travel with me for work, so she won't even be home for SD to sponge off of. It's still a ways off, but dreaming about that day is what keeps me going.
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Hi paulinutah- I've read your
Hi paulinutah- I've read your blogs and relate to a lot of them. Your situation sounds a little like mine. Permissive visitations though, we don't have full custody (please please please don't let that change). I think SO feels like your DW too late to change, but he doesn't feel like the dominant parent anyway given its visitations only. So he sees no point in spending the time parenting, just playing. I have an SD15 who I think is going through typical teenage stuff. But I see her pulling crap with me that she does her mother. I think I got a clear taste of it last weekend which set me off. I've only recently come to the realization that even though I'm a control freak, I just can't control it no matter how I try or look at the situation.
I am starting the same thing, go to my room give them more time together. Give myself time away and try like hell not to get frustrated when I see inappropriate parenting. So so so hard. Pulling away certainly causes a reaction, but I'm not sure if its a good or bad one in my situation. SO seems to be very attentive to me still, but I feel a slight tension. He wants to have a "talk" with me but has yet to do so.
Good luck to you and I'm glad your situation is improving.
Similar situation.... here's
Similar situation.... here's what opened my eyes to the whole "hiding out in my room" thing - It takes ALOT, and I mean ALOT to put me over the edge. I just don't have much of a temper and absolutely can't stand any type of confrontation. I actually shake and my heart starts pounding out of my chest. A few days ago, I had been pushed past the limit of what I could tolerate as far as the disrespect, foul language, screaming, breaking things, etc. I stood up for myself and demanded respect in my own home that we pay for, citing that her father and I pay for the water and bath products she showers with, all the electricity she uses, the laundry machines and products she washes her clothes with, the food she eats, etc etc... Her response was typical juvenile BS. She continued to scream and swear. I said "Stop. I don't want to hear this" Sit down for the response!! She told me to go upstairs if I didn't want to hear it. HAH! Big 'Ol Eye-Opener for me!! Well, of course, she LIKES it when I hide out in my room. She has the run of the entire rest of MY HOUSE. So I calmly said, "This is MY house, and I will be in whatever room I want to be in" Since then, I've made my presence very known, playing MY kind of music on the stereo, lighting candles, talking on my phone, singing, laughing, etc. in ALL rooms of the house. Guess where SD17 has been hanging out? In her room. Yee haw!!
I have disengaged from my
I have disengaged from my SS20 and SD15 for the last few months now. DH is aware that I no longer speak or have anything to do with his son especially. I hide in my room most of the time and from the sound of it most of us do. Its actually sad that we have to come to this point and live this way. I am miserable most of the time but I know I have a great husband who loves me unconditional. Disengaging is the only way for me to survive in this marriage.