Every time I read about unappreciative SKs, I have guilt flashes.  I never expressed any gratitude to my poor Sdad, it never crossed my mind.  Now that I'm a SParent, I often think of him but my bios didnt express it to DH and my SKs didn't to.me, either.

My problem SD62 often thanks me but I think its manipulation on her part ("keep doing it and do more").

skids view your contributions as part of the "implicit" or "silent" bargain for being with their parent.  In other words, for you to be with their bio-parent, you are expected to fork over your time, energy, attention, and money for their benefit, "just because."   .....  they think they are doing us a favor by allowing a relationship with their parents. 

I don't see it that way, at all, I don't think that step kids think about it to that depth. I just think that most kids, in general, have certain expectations of adults, period. They think that the adults in their lives should do for them, no matter who they are.

So, yes, they do think that it's a given that we should do things for them, but I don't believe it's as calculated as you are describing. At least, not in most cases.

@Paul_in_Utah, no matter the reason for their smucky attitudes and ungratefulness they should be extremely nice to the stepparents because you are right we didn't create this and were thrown into it...so anything we do should be treated with gratefulness. Stand your ground !

I'm with hereiam...that's too deep of thinking for kids/teens.

Kids are taught gratitude. I well remember my mom circle of friends when the kids were young....always reminding them to say please and thank you. We also corrected our teens. So, pretty much...the ungrateful attitude, while kids may have it, only is displayed when the parents don't correct it. SMH

I think it goes along with the increasing child-centeredness of our society. It used to be expected that kids would respect and obey their parents and help at home. It no longer is. Parents are conditioned to feel that they should do as much as possible to make the kids happy, and there are no expectations placed on the kids. If they don't respect and help their parents because they were never taught, it's even worse for the stepparents. My biggest fear is the impact on future generations. How is this generation going to suddenly get their acts together and BE adults and parents, with no skills to even take care of themselves? 

skids view your contributions as part of the "implicit" or "silent" bargain for being with their parent

The kid that is that  contemplative is so rare as to be nonexistant.  Kids want mommy and daddy together. Or they want mommy or daddy for themselves.    Many of them, even HS aged, have no idea what implicit even means.  Most of them have zero expectations beyond getting what they want when they want it.... if they even know what they really want. It is about instant gratification. 

This is entirely a product of shit parenting. Not the SParent, but the breeder.

Funny how kids who are raised with standards of behavior and standards of performance are rarely illbehaved shit spawn.  Whether they are SKids or not.

They are polite, calm, well behaved, respectful, and at most only extremely rarely play any crap behavior. If at all.  And when they do, their quality parent(s) end

 it immediately and applies very memorable consequences eleminating about any repeat of that.

A man's DW or a woman's DH is to be respected and any children in that home must have absolute cognizance of that.  Whether the DW or DH are Sparents or the breeding partner. If the kid fails to remain cognizant of that absalute truth, that congnizance has to be delivered with escalating misery inducing lessons.

Your Skids are unadulterated assholes because their mother is a shit parent.  

As difficult as that is to consider.

Take care of you.

IMHO of course.

Skids make these wrongheaded assumptions, but it's their bio parents that should be teaching them gratitude and that the world doesn't revolve around them.

Kids in general don't really appreciate what parental figures do. It's only later when we're adults or even when we have kids of our own that we fully appreciate all the efforts our parents went to. 

With steps you have the added fun dimension of them expecting you to act like a parent but them not considering you to be a parental figure.  

We have the upper hand as we can just stop doing the parental things and leave it all to the bio parents. 

I think that the parent is the one that should be thanking you.

Kids see what their parents do for them as the "implicit bargain".. their parents had them.. so their parents need to provide for them.

When a stepparent does part of that parent's "responsibility".. it isn't a thankworthy thing in the Skid's eyes... it's something that their parent is obligated to do for them.. if the Sp does it instead.. it's still no different it is somethign they are "owed" as kids.

I think when some skids get older.. they realize that the SP was not under any obligation.. and what they did do was nice.. but I don't think a lot of kids realize how much they take their parents for granted.. until they are older.. and realize how much the parents did for them.. like I don't recall there being an expectation that we "thanked" our parents for every sock they washed.. ever ride to school.. every basic thing they did for us..   we were taught to be polite.. and thank for gifts.. or treats.. but basics.. day to day?  it would get almost ridiculous wouldn't it?  thanking for every thing?  "Thanks for paying to have the heat on dad".. Thanks for washing my sheets mom.. "thanks for taking me to the dr.. Thanks for having running water.. thanks for that toilet paper I just used.. etc.. 

Its not that deep and they arent that smart like another poster said

These "children" usually have some type of dysfunction and use the situation (parents split up) to their advantage. They never will consider you as part of the family and want you to be "silent partner" (yes to everything or never speak/get involved unless you are asked or spoken to). They see how their father or mother treat you and copy the exact same thing

You will find that if your partner is taking you for granted/using you, often by extension his relatives and children will treat you the same way

Ppl who value their partners often have boundaries with steps and force the respect and values even if the children refuse to. Those who take their partners for granted will often burden them with chores and disrespect them/take their value down in front of the kids who will mimic the behavior. You will also find that exes play a huge part in the way children treat you. If a BM or BD tells their child to not listen to their exs new partner or not respect them, its pretty much game over for you no.matter how much you do or how supportive your partner is, the ex spends so much time brainwashing the kids that you have no chance to get them to even just respect you a little bit

There is no "bargain"....neither silent nor loud....Its a waste of time, effort, money,etc....If anyone can get out of it unscathed, they should do so and promptly....For those of us who are stuck, we live with it but not without suffering

The ungratefulness of most skids and their entitled bio parents is one reason why I believe that 90% of the time step-parenting has a very low ROI which makes it not worth expending the resources