So how much do you tell them?
I don't want to overwelm SS10 but should I let him continue to live in the dark? BM has not felt with a single issue! She has told him dad abondoned them, even though he didn't even know about him till he was two! He asked why they can't just all live together again? DH told him they never did live together but she let him create this fantasy where they did even giving him the pictures we had at the zoo when we first met him and saying that's when they were together! He thinks that our bios our just mine and he is DH real son and doesn't understand that they are all his kids? DH thinks if he asks we tell SS10 what ever he wants but he clearly does not understand and I don't want to completly shatter what he thinks of BM ( so very tempting! But would hurt SS too!) Dont know where to begin and what to leave put till he's older or never tell him at all?
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10 years old? I wouldn't say
10 years old? I wouldn't say anything bad about his mom, but you can sit him down and tell him the basics of the situation at 10
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I agree, BUT you also need to correct any out and out lies that have been told to SS by BM. I am sorry, but if it puts BM in a less than flattering light, then too bad.
Your SS is 10. He is old
Your SS is 10. He is old enough to know it all, have the facts and to start to form his own opinion of the situation and his BM.
Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts. SS needs the facts.
Present them in an age appropriate manner, review the CO with him and explain what it says, what it means and why it exists.
If he asks why his BM would make stuff up, be sensitive, tell him that she was hurting but that now he needs to know the truth and to ask her those questions.
We struggled with when to tune my SS-18 in on the facts about his BioDad and the SpermClan. Ultimately we decided that from day one is not to soon. So, when he would come home from SpermIdiot visitation with questions about the toxic and vitriolic crap the SpermClan fed him we countered with fact, information and age appropriate explanation.
We became a family when SS was 1yo. This philosophy has been very effective in keeping the SpermClan manipulations to a minimum and in preventing our son from buying in to their vitriolic crap.
This is what has worked for us.
Good luck and best regards,
At 10 tho, I agree hes ready
At 10 tho, I agree hes ready to be introduced to real facts. How much you share about what is at your disrection. If you want to disprove the suposed 'daddy abandonment', a good idea for this is with a family album. Show him the pictures from when he was alive and dad didnt know about him, and then itll be "bam! there you are-thats when he found out about you". I would even say this convo is better for his father to have with him.
You can help explain the family dynamic to him though. The best way to clarify for a child in his age range is to introduce him to another family with half-siblings. This way he'll realize he's not alone and it'll be a more tangible fact because he can see a whole family.
If he asks you questions about his mom's "truths" you can always redirect with "I'm not sure, but you can ask her" or the nicer "Maybe she thought you would understand it better because you were younger"
Good luck with your sit down!
I would also not say ANYTHING
I would also not say ANYTHING about bm- I wouldnt try and explain her actions or come up with suggestions-if he asks I would just direct him to ask her.
Obviously she's not honest, but it appears he will be finding that out real soon on his own.
Thankyou so much for the
Thankyou so much for the feedback, we will be sitting down to figure out an apropriate plan. Ok now I'm faced with how much to I confront BM with? Or do I let her deal with him if he asks without a heads up? I kinda don't want her blindsided but he might get a more honest answer if she is put on the spot?
HM3, It is noble that you
HM3,
It is noble that you don't want BM blindsided by SS's questions. However, I am not sure a heads up is necessary, appropriate or desired from your end of things.
Good luck.
i would leave this convo up
i would leave this convo up to the parents, even though bm may be lying, that's really a place for mom and dad imo
Yeah that would be nice but
Yeah that would be nice but "mom and dad" don't talk very well and SS10 should not be witness to the type of talking they do! I've always played mediator cause I only care about SS. What happened between them means nothing to me so I can focus without feeling getting involved.
good point, but maybe just be
good point, but maybe just be there for support, but let daddyo tell the story??
i've experienced something like this and i would've perfered "those involved at the time" to explain it to me (IMO)
OR just let him ask the questions and answer short sweet and simple and to the point on the questions he asks and leave it at that (satisfy his curiousity)