So I haven't been here in a while. I thought I pretty much had it all figured out. I think I have it pretty good. A wonderful man to call my husband and 5 kiddos that only 2 of I actually took part in the making of. BM hasn't been my problem for a really long time. There is also a new stepmama-figure in my sons' life who is just the sweetest little thing. (I can call her little cause she's 13 years my junior. ) My exH did good.

I feel like I've lost myself a bit though. I seem to be defined by my abilities to be an ATM, a cook, a maid, a cabdriver, a homework checker, a referee to who had the chair first, a stopper at the store cause the milk/juice/soda/cereal/dishsoap ran out, and I could go on and on.

I feel invisible. I ask the kids to pick up their stuff and they don't. Take out the trash and they don't. Actually put their dishes in the dishwasher and they don't... so I scream and yell like a crazy person and I think it makes them scatter by the time I get home after a long day at work. I wanted to have Family movie night and instead it was just me and the youngest. Everyone made other plans.

Computers, Ipods, texting, Facebook, Buddies, and pool seemed to take precedent over what it is that I wanted. I made plans the next day to see my dad who is in the final stages of his illness and again, it was just me. Husband made other plans to play softball with his friends and the kids. Left with the choice, they all chose to go play rather then see my dying father. I played cribbage all afternoon just feeling overly sad... and angry.

I brought home a grand puzzle to work on to help me relax a little, and like a stampede they came in and wanted to help. Which included yelling and snatching of pieces. All in a moment my role went from relaxed puzzle creator to Mediator of arguing children. My husband sat on the couch, beer in hand, and revealed to me thru a half burp, "Your Turn".

So I suppose they can't win for losing, I was mad that they wanted to be somewhere else, and I was even more mad once they got home. It just felt like I adapted to their absence and was bombarded with their presence.

Maybe my grief is getting the best of me? I love my family, but I feel like I don't matter unless I'm providing whatever service is needed by someone else. I can't remember the last time someone did something nice for me without an explicit request/demand on my part.

I just feel like I don't exist.