SD5's biodad threatening lawyers...I would accept the change but it would break fiance's heart.
I've blogged about this before but let me explain again so you all understand what my upcoming vent is about.
SD5 is not my fiance's daughter. He and BM started dating when SD was months old, BM turned my fiance into "Daddy" because the biodad was not in the picture, other than paying CS to BM. After BM and DF broke up, BM manipulated DF into paying for SD's day care every week. He says that BM said, "If you want to be involved in SD's life then you need to do this". He had spent the previous three years playing "Daddy" to SD and at the time he happened to be making a decent amount of money, so he was easily manipulated into paying for this. (Side note -- can you even IMAGINE collecting child support from one dad and then demanding that some other guy, your ex boyfriend no less, pay for that child's day care???? The audacity!) So BM played on DF's good heartedness and how much he loved SD. When I finally came along I questioned all of this and he finally had the balls to stop paying for SD's day care. This was also the beginning of their court battle over their son.
BM and my fiance had a son together, who is my SS3. When they broke up, they agreed they wanted to keep the siblings together as much as possible. Therefore, when the stipulations all got finalized, it was a SPOKEN, not written, agreement that DF would have SD the same times he had his son (just about 50/50). Of course because DF is not SD's father, nothing was ever worked out legally with all of this. I've blogged before about feeling like we're less than babysitters, because we are almost obligated to take SD5 because of all the history, but it really sucks sometimes to feel like you're just being used by BM so she can go out and party whenever she wants. She gets all the child support from two fathers, yet she has her kids only half the time, one of which she gives up VOLUNTARILY (SD)!!!
For the last year, SD's bio dad has gotten more involved. They have no court ordered visitation set. It started with him taking SD every other Saturday, always the opposite weekend than when we had SD. About 5 months ago or so, he demanded to have his daughter for a whole weekend. He apparently also threatened lawyers on BM about how she "gives" her daughter to us, so why is he paying her so much CS? So the visitation got switched, and we no longer have SD5 on the weekends, ever. We now just have her either 1 or 2 days a week, alternating weeks (the same days we have her brother on weekdays). BM told us recently that biodad also wants to have his daughter the days of the week that we do (which makes sense).
This past Friday, my fiance told me to pick up SD5 from day care when I picked up SS3, and bring her home, and that her biodad would be coming to OUR house to pick her up. Ok...weird but whatever. So when there was a knock on the door I was surprised to find BM standing there instead of SD's biodad. Later, fiance called BM to ask her what on earth was going on, and she told him that biodad refused to pick up SD at our house because he doesn't like that she's coming here still, and that BM had to drive SD over to biodad's house that night. DF said, "Why are you bowing down so low to this guy? He didn't want anything to do with her for the first three years of her life and now you just bend at his every whim?" BM's reasoning is that biodad is threatening lawyers again and she's trying to "make nice".
Basically, BM is scared shitless and will do anything to make biodad happy. If SD's biodad gets a lawyer, he's SURELY going to win. BM gets paid child support, yet she sees her daughter the LEAST out of everyone else during the week! It's ridiculous. If I were BM I'd be scared, too. Of course this makes DF feel threatened because he wants to continue to take SD as much as we can.
There's a part of me that really wants SD's biodad to get a lawyer, just to see BM lose. Also there's a part of me that feels like SD5 deserves to have a relationship with her real father. Yes it sucks that he didn't want to be involved her baby years, but he's very obviously changed and grown up a lot. SD enjoys going to his house. I feel like we add chaos to her life lately rather than helping to really raise or mold her in any positive way. Then there's the other side of me that knows that anything changing would really break DF's heart.
But I'm stuck in this place where I can see the bigger picture (and I also will admit that I haven't attached myself as much as I could have to SD, because of all of this complication) of the entire situation, but then I feel evil if I say anything to DF. Really, if SD's biological father wants to be involved and wants to be a positive influence on his daughter's life, he should have every right to do just that. Basically, I've started to see SD's biodad's side of things more than it making any sense for us to continue taking her. And then I feel guilty because shouldn't I be on my fiance's side??? **Sigh**
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Haha, yes you are right. What
Haha, yes you are right. What BM does on her own time is her own thing. I think that the complicated part is that BM and biodad never went to court and signed any sort of stipulation. They went through Child Support and agreed they'd just take things as they went with verbal visitation agreements. So, biodad is threatening to take her to court to MAKE a stipulation.
What is best for your SS? He
What is best for your SS? He is the one in this situation that you and your DH need to focus on.
IMHO, it is best for his relationship with his half sis to continue as it has his whole life. That means that SD continues to visit with your DH on the same schedule that historically was in place. Your DH was the first daddy she knew.
If I was your DH I would sue SD's BioDad for visitation in both he and SS's name. All this guy is doing is being a petty manipulative PITA.
IMHO of course.
That is a good point. I'm
That is a good point. I'm kind of wishy-washy about what's "best" for SS3 right now. He has been behind developmentally (speech/language, motor skills) because he has always let his older sister do everything for him. She's more of a leader type and he just lets her do it rather than do things on his own. He now comes to our house on his own on the weekends, and they've been really enjoyable. He has arrived at the point in his life where he has developed his own imagination, and he's becoming more independent. When SD is at our house it is constant fighting and arguing between the two of them. SS3 does a lot of negative attention-seeking behavior when his sister is around. It seems more stressful for them when they're together at our house, but maybe I'm looking at this through a tainted view because it's so much quieter in our house when it's just SS3. We've been able to do a lot more one-on-one things like learning activities with SS3 when we've had him on the weekends. When we try to do these things with SD5 around, she monopolizes it by shouting out answers, picking on him for not knowing how to do something, or simply SS3 is not interested in doing things that SD is not doing, so his focus factor is a zero.
It seems more chaotic for both SS3 and SD5 nowadays, with SD going to her bio dads on weekends now. From SS3's point of view, sometimes SD is with him at our house and sometimes she's not....it's not a consistent schedule because it's such a WEIRD schedule, that it seems like he has a hard time adjusting to the differences between having her there and NOT having her there.
And from SD5's point of view, life is just freakin' chaotic. She goes to 3-5 parental figure's households A WEEK (us, BM, biodad, biodad's mother, BM's mother). Like I said, I feel like we're adding to chaos in her life rather than helping in parenting (especially when our ideas of parenting are very different than all the other parental figure's).
I don't know what the solution is but I do know something will probably change in the near future...just not sure HOW it will change.
I have read all your blogs.
I have read all your blogs. My take on this is your DH needs to start to disengage from this little girl. She has a Dad. He wants her and honestly it just sounds like she will be so confused the older she gets.
What happens when BM gets another husband and their is a third man in her life. Start encouraging your husband that he needs to let go. If her Biodad takes BM to court, chances are good that he will be cut out of her life anyway. Judges don't like when it is so convuluted. They like it more cut and dry and a litle girl having this many dads is confusing.
Poor kid, he can still have a relationship with her, but honestly he needs to make this less confusing. If we love something, sometimes we have to let them go....
You bring up such a good
You bring up such a good point that we often forget about, due to BM's lack of solid relationships: what happens when BM finds a guy who wants to be involved in her family? Yes...yet another "DAD". And she was so quick to give my fiance the title and role of "Daddy", what will stop her from giving a new guy the title or role? I mean, we hope she finds someone that loves the kids and wants to be involved with them...and it'll add a lot more confusion/chaos in her life.
Fiance has considered the
Fiance has considered the idea. He even got biodad's phone number to do so...I think he's nervous about it because there's a ton of bad blood between them and it all goes back to past events (BM cheated on fiance with the biodad a number of times, plus got together with him briefly after she moved out of DF's house). I think it's really awkward for them both, but I've told him it would probably be better to be on good terms with biodad nowadays, and try to work togehter WITH him rather than it seeming like we're against him. I'll definitely start pushing this again though.
Steppingup I know that it
Steppingup I know that it will hurt your dh very much however I really think the best thing for that little girl and your ss is for dh to let BD be her dad! He needs to step out and let her real dad bond with her and not think about 2 dads. She is only 5 years old, she can't handle going to see 2 dads. I don't think she gets the concept.
I know that your dh has been there for her but he needs to understand that bio dad is in the pic and if he wants to be her dad he needs to let him. That means that your dh NEEDS to step aside! He needs to tell bm that she needs to let bio dad have his dd and he can no longer take her since it is too confusing for the child. He needs to think of her feelings instead of his right now.
The thing that bugs me about
The thing that bugs me about this is BM and DF created this mess. With SD being so young when your DF and BM split up, BM should not have insisted that DF take SD and DF should not have agreed to continue playing daddy with her. I understand that your DF took on this role with the best of intentions, but looking at the bigger picture, these two should have realized that it was setting the stage for exactly what is happening now to happen.
I totally agree with SD's bio dad in that now that he is in the picture, why should your DF be playing the role of daddy or buddy or anything? Why should SD have to be tossed around between three different households? BM's excuse of "keeping kids together" is old and outdated. Kids can be together when they are with her. Other than that they should both know that they have different fathers and as such will be spending time apart from time to time.
I do understand that this is going to hard for your DF as he obviously cares about this little girl, but he and BM both should have been very prepared for this to happen at some point.
Yes, DF helped BM to create
Yes, DF helped BM to create this mess, that's for sure. It didn't help that DF's parents got SUPER involved with her too (the only 'granddaughter' in the family) and they REALLY pushed him to stay involved in her life...and still do. They get really upset that we don't have her on the weekends anymore.
That's totally what I think
That's totally what I think would be best...but do you see how it makes me sound like I don't WANT SD?
It's kind of like DF is (unintentionally) helping BM to manipulate biodad and make him "pay" for his mistake of not being involved the first 3 years, by letting this continue when the guy is obviously trying to fix his mistake.
tell him to put himself in
tell him to put himself in her BD's shoes. Ask him how he would feel if bm was doing the same thing to him? Not let him see his child and letting another man be his child's dad. Making it very hard on him to see his child and his child being shuffled to several homes. Try to turn the tables a little so he can see it from BD's and the SD's point of view.