Just deal with it.
I swear I should just hold a sign that says, "Dealing With It."
FDH and I sat down to have a private talk about FSD17 (the Diva) today. It was at his suggestion. I foolishly thought he'd hear me out, like he has before. He did not.
Instead I got the following responses from FDH to the issues I brought up with him:
Her room: Just keep the door shut. I told you how she was. It's a non-issue. Just learn to deal with it.
Her failure to do any chores we've asked of her: She's not used to it. (She does chores at her BM's.) It's nothing to fight over.
Her hogging food/drink and then demanding more when it's out: It's just food. It's no big deal to run out and get her more. It keeps the peace.
Her inability to tell the truth about simple things (taking out the dog, her homework, her after school schedule): It's being a teenager. It's a non-issue.
He then told me that I need to let this stuff go and anything else I had an issue with. She's just the way she is. She likes me and respects me and not to ruin that.
Really. Well. You can keep that respect and shove it...
I wasn't being evil and I didn't get angry with my words. I did try to see things as a teen...but what I was bringing up with him was way beyond teenage behavior. I really couldn't take any more.
I seriously think I'm in an episode of The Twilight Zone. I took his bait and feel like a fool now. I really believe that every conversation we ever had about re-establishing rules, consequences and rewarding good, responsible behavior in the household...is blown to shreds. I feel like a mistress in a love triangle.
I know that sounds gross. But really...I feel like the other woman.
Anyone? Advice? Anything? I don't have a leg to stand on...do I?
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what usually works for me is
what usually works for me is to tell hubby that wat she is learning and doing at this age will follow her if she is not showed or taught better. its not about keeping the peace its about raising a child who will be able to turn into a responsible adult. if not tell him dont be surprised if she lives there until she is 40 or relies on him for ever. i stress this to bd because no one wants to have to pay child support on a 40 year old woman. we want to raise kids that will be independent enough to support theirself esp a woman because we can not go and work offshore or anything like that. we will resort to a low paying job on foodstamps etc or living with a man who can rule us because they know that we don;t have another option. i would try to establish a connection with her and let her know that these things are important to you and that you would appreciate her helping out and being more respectful.
I think he just wants to
I think he just wants to coast through the time she is there without conflict and expects you to let it all go too.
I wonder what would happen if you suddenly dropped all expectations and just disengaged. Would he then say....you could at least (blank) or (blank).
It always seemed that whatever I did, DH wanted the opposite. I finally just don't mention the damn skids and we all live happily.
"...She likes me and respects
"...She likes me and respects me and not to ruin that."
This what DH kept telling me about SD24, too. How the heck can she respect me when she obviously has NO respect for herself, her parents, the children she keeps popping out, etc. etc. I think he had "respect" confused with "she thinks your an ATM machine"! Besides, if her actions were "respect", I'd hate to see what "dislike" looked like!
And, yes, DH is very much "just let them do what they want so they don't bug me" with both of his adult kids. He was like this the entire time he was raising them alone, too. They are prime examples of the "future" of your stepchild! If your DH doesn't start to enforce some proper behavior, you are really gonna be in for it!
YOur story sounds like mine
YOur story sounds like mine lol (don't they all?) same age and all.
Disengage is my only advice. Do not do anything for her.
If you are asking her to clean her room or do her chores and she is not listening and just ignoring, that is not respect. It is not ok.
Not learning how to take care of yourself, lying, and being a selfish slob, is not learning how to enter into adulthood. Your DH sounds like he is not interested in her learning how to do these simple things, and instead just wants to "keep the peace". I had to tell my DH to grow a pair, and do something about his kid. You may have to do that or just live with it till she is gone.
Wow. Thank you. All of you.
Wow. Thank you. All of you. Thanks.
I appreciate all of the comments and all of the advice. I truly do.