Why is disengaging so hard....a story that will blow your minds needing help with that time of month
Well, I think for a moment things have changed and then BAM! I am hit with something else. Being 7 and 1/2 months pregnate, I like to think I am just emotional, but talking with a close friend she said she would be the same way and shes not pregnate.
I just worked my ass,sorry for the cursing, off trying to get my 13 yr old step daughters room ready so she could move into it before the new addition came along. She has been in the room for about two weeks and it already smells like a sweaty dirty something.
Well, we all know females have that time of the month. I have talked with my sd about proper hygene and how to dispose of items and what do do if accidents happen. So this is not the first episode that we have had.
I decided Friday afternoon that I needed to do her sheets. OMG it looked as if someone was murdered. She had not been there in three days and the spots looked like it had happend more than one night. So that meant she had slept on them and layed around on them...because she stays in her room all the time. It had seeped down to the matress pad. Thank god it had not made it to the mattress. Ok im a little pee'd at this point, because she had not attempted to do anything about it....like remove sheets or even tell me.
So, after i spend 30 minutes trying to get it out and then putting them in the washing machine to wash and soak. It is now time to put laundry up. I go back to her room to put her underware in the drawer and as I open it up I find about 5 pairs of panites that are drenched. Ok this crossed the line. She had put them in there. I got them cleaned up and told myself that I was going to have to have a chat with her. I told her dad, my husband, this and he was ok with it (so I thought).
Well, as she is pulling up to spend time with us remember as she is pulling up....he tells me that he needs to talk to me about the issue. He told me to be easy on her that it must be hard for her. HELLOOOOOOOO I am a female. Its not like I am going to ground her or whip her...though I think that is what she needs. I AM BEYOND WORDS AT THIS POINT AND TOTALLY LOST AT WHAT TO SAY!!
Then to top it all off, about 5 minutes after she gets to our house he brings it up and babies her about it. I dont even get to bring it up and Im the one that scrubbed the stuff out. And he didnt even really call her out.
I did call her out later on the underware and she lied to me about it. Told me that they were jsut stained. I told her that I wasnt an idiot that those underware were dirty and to not let it happen again.
She is dirty and discusting and I am not going to even tell the story of her trail from the cammode to shower.
I really just want to back off...but this is my house too and I dont want it to be destroyed. Does anyone have any adivse in this area.
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My advice? STOP CLEANING HER
My advice? STOP CLEANING HER ROOM?!?!?!?!?!
What the hell are you doing?
STOP! CLEANING! HER! DIRTY! STUFF!
Make him do it.
Then he will talk to her.
Can't give you GOOD advice,
Can't give you GOOD advice, can just tell you what I did in my situation.
SD (now 17) is smelly and disgusting. She used to NOT use soap when she showered. I know this because she did not have soap in her bathroom for at least TWO YEARS. She would put back on the same underwear day after day for up to a week. DH didn't want to talk to her about it because he didn't want to embarrass her. Her room smells like a buffalo's backside. If the door is open, I can smell it at the bottom of the stairs (it is the room farthest from the stairs in a two-story house).
She didn't change her sheets in more than two years (no lie of exaggeration). I finally confronted DH about the sheets, and instead of making her (then age 16) wash them, he did it himself and remade the bed for her.
SD moved to live with BM full time when she was 15. I was going through her room, which desperately needs to be cleaned (not vacuumed more than twice since we moved into the house 5.5 years ago). I found the first pair of nasty, stained underwear, then the second, then the third, then the fourth. Just shoved in various places in her room. I calmly added them to the items of SD's that I was boxing up to return to her.
I haven't given the boxed items to DH to return to SD17 yet, but I'm sure she'll have a fun time unpacking her stuff. If she couldn't be bothered to clean them or throw them away, why should I?
LOL I cracked up after
LOL I cracked up after reading "buffalo's backside" thanks for the laugh! On another note, my BFs daughter is also 17 and when she stays EOW she leaves her dirty under garments on the floor as well and hardly showers. No wonder why his son doesn't want to go in that room to sleep! We only have 2 bedrooms right now but his daughter makes it hard for his son to want to go in there! Why are these teenagers so disgusting!?
Thanks. It is BAD. At one
Thanks. It is BAD. At one point, DH was actually enforcing a chore for SD (taking out the trash). One week she didn't get it out in time and didn't tell anybody. She shoved the bags into her closet and they sat there for an entire week. I finally figured it out because the stench wafting from her room was even more powerful than usual. DH didn't even notice it!
I would just stop cleaning
I would just stop cleaning her room. Let her lay in her own filth and tell her to keep her door closed. Let her ruin her clothes and bedding and tell DH to handle all the stuff that needs to be replaced. There's no reason for you to be cleaning up after her at her age.
I stopped getting mad about the kids' mess and having it straightened. I tell their Dad to tell them to clean their room and when they're not there, I close their doors.
I'm not sure how you're
I'm not sure how you're disengaging when it comes to laundry; it seems like you're fully engaged. Your SD13 should be doing her own laundry, and I know from personal experience.
I have a similar situation, except it's my SS7, and he pees the bed. The lack of hygiene was a huge issue for me, and my DH and I fought constantly about it. DH didn't think it was a big deal if SS7 slept on urinated sheets, which is disgusting for me even to have to type down. I told him that it's my house too, and it needs to be taken care of on a daily basis.
I told them both that I refused to do pee laundry, and that SS7 needed to do it. That approach is something I read about, and luckily the family doctor backed me up on that in from of DH and SS7. Eventually, my washer and dryer were constantly filled with pee laundry that I always had to remind them to change over.
I finally decided to disengage from this and other things, and this is how I ended up handling it:
I do NO pee laundry ever!
SS7 must ALWAYS keep his door closed
SS7 now wears pull ups
If I find dirty laundry or soiled pullups around the house, I throw it into his room, and close the door
I still keep on BS13 to give me his dirty clothes on a regular basis for cleaning, and that somehow reminds DH that SS7 needs to bring dirty clothes down as well. And I don't have to say a word to either of them about it.
At first, it's hard to do this for obvious reasons (mostly sanity), but this approach now feels MUCH better to me. And eventually, DH sees how disgusting SS7 room is, and yells at him to clean it up. Things get done more now than before, although it takes his room becoming unbearable for DH to do anything about it.
NOT MY KID, NOT MY PROBLEM!
I can understand your
I can understand your frustration when it feels like DH is as much work as SS7, but am honestly amazed at the indifference you are showing to this boy, who likely needs nothing more than love, attention, and guidance. With the kind of chaos you describe, it's no wonder he's wetting the bed.
Believe me, I've had my fair
Believe me, I've had my fair share of urine, feces, vomit, etc. to clean up - and it's not pleasant. I agree that as a hygeine issue it's gross, but it seems there's more to this boy peeing in his bed that making him do his own laundry isn't going to solve.
The problem with that
The problem with that Ssamantha, its actually a health hazard. You dont want to catch something nasty from that kid.
I would make the husband clean it up. I dont care who cleaned it, as long as I didnt have to do it.
No way in hell i would be touching period stained things.
Thanks all for the comments.
Thanks all for the comments. It really helps me see what I need to work on.
I just feel like I am used. They dont mind calling me to do something for the sd, but when it comes down to it I cant have any say so in what she does at my house.
Its just hard at times.
I hope the comments keep coming!!!! I need them!!
Dads and their daughters, it
Dads and their daughters, it seems like this is the case for a lot of us SMs here. I don't understand why they are so scared that they might hurt their "angels" feelings! Big deal they need to grow up I say!
tryingtomakeit, you are
tryingtomakeit, you are definitely not alone. I have the exact same problem; that's why I finally disengaged. The hardest part for me is seeing SS7 talk back to DH without any consequence, and then being put on a pedestal 5 minutes later for something small. I can't stand that, and have to leave the room sometimes. And when DH asks why I left, I say that it makes me sick to see DH treated that way, and I need to go somewhere else before I get physically ill. That usually makes the point.
Back to what you're dealing with, not having say in your house can be a pain. One way I was able to disengage while still having control over the cleanliness of my house was to:
1) Not give a flying f*ck whether SS7's room is clean or not. His door stays closed at all times period (no pun intended).
2) If I find items of his around the house (i.e. toys, homework never handed in, crayons, etc.), I put them into a box in the living room. I then told DH and SS7 that if there are items in that box by the end of his week with us (we have 50/50 custody), they will either get thrown out or go to goodwill. I told DH that this includes any homework spread around the house. He wasn't happy about that one, but I haven't had homework spread around the house since. So far, this approach has worked wonders. It's all about your delivery. Make it crystal clear that you don't give a f*ck what they think, because you're working to keep your house in order "like DH wanted". (That one always shuts DH up:) )
3) Never clean up after SS7 or DH. This is a hard one to put up with, but if you clean around their messy areas, DH can pretty easily see the mess that they left. If it's completely disgusting, I ONLY tell DH to handle it or else. I don't care if he handles it or SS7 handles it, because that's now not my problem. I only care that it gets done. If DH wants to be SS7's maid, then that's his problem, not mine!
With these steps, you still have A LOT of say on what happens in your house; more say in fact. But you do less of the work. And it honestly feels gratifying when you DO have to throw out crap that skid has left out when he's gone, but that's my little secret to keep.
My DD started doing laundry
My DD started doing laundry around 9 years old. And she liked it. She is very particular about her clothes. So it is not unreasonable for a 13 YO to do her own and take care of her room.
I don't understand why all these girls are so disgusting. I can't imagine a boy wanting to get near them. It must be a mental disorder.
I would have packed all of
I would have packed all of the bloody things up and left them someplace for your dh. It's great if he has a man cave or something and then I would just leave them there for him. Perhaps if he actually saw them and cleaned them himself he would understand the degree of nastiness.
OMG!! This stuff is just flat
OMG!! This stuff is just flat out honesty for me. I hate being all open and crap, but when it comes to periods and boys, I lay it out there.
Don't worry about ANY feelings. State the facts. Periods happen. Here's the supplies, here's how they work. If you get something dirty, clean it immediately. If I find your dirty panties, I'll throw them away. Sheets get messed up, wash them. It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
I have 3 teen girls. Periods are normal. Teach her to get over the embarrassment. They are bloody nasty. Dispose of that shit properly, that is a rule and there is no excuse for being nasty.
It's a moms/stepmoms job as a woman. It sucks, but dear old dad needs to shut the fuck up. That's just gross him talking to her about her period. WHATTHEFUCKEVER!
If my dad talked to me about that crap I would have frickin killed myself!!!
Get used to buying panties, and just buy more panties. Understand that panties are gonna be part of your life. Shit, and tell yourself, at least I only 1 girl instead of 3. my girls are 21, 19, and 18 now and it has all turned out fine.
Oh and there is this product called Oxy Clean Max Force, a 4 in 1 cleaner in the laundry aisle. It's a spray on pre treater in a blue bottle with a red top. It gets blood out pretty good.
I'm trying to help you. I know it's disgusting, but I have a lockerroom here, so I understand. What's even weirder....when your pheremones sync up and all the girls in the house have periods at the same time!!!! TMI? hahahahha LOL
P.S. I had one that was so
P.S. I had one that was so embarrassed she hid them in her drawers and under the bed. Throw them away, it ain't worth the trauma. You can tell her you found them and to stop hiding them. They have to learn to wash them out, they don't know.
Do her that favor as an understanding woman.
My sd21 stinks too. I've
My sd21 stinks too. I've bought her deodorant several times, but the sight of her greasy hair makes me wanna puke.
Fortunately ss20 and ss17 don't stink. They are all about showering and smelling good. WOW, I said something nice about them.