I may regret this, but who thinks I'm wrong?
I have been with my SO for 3 years today, we have lived together for 1 1/2 years. He has 12 yr old daughter and 9 yr old son who live with us every other week. I have an 18 yr old son who lives with us 100%. My SO was married for about 7 yrs and his ex is bi-polar and causes us great grief (name callling, physical attacks, 20 calls in a night, talking about me to anyone she can, etc....). I was married for 18 years and have no contact with my ex (thankfully).
My SO would like to marry me, I've told him that I'm not ready to be married again and don't know if I ever will be. Honestly, the biggest reason comes from the situation with his kids and the BM. I'm sick to death of the constant drama that comes with it. I feel that if I did marry him, I would be stuck in that world and it would suffocate me.
I was married to a very controlling man and always had to answer to someone. I'm 39 years old...went from living with my parents, to getting married and living with my husband...I've never had the chance to just be on my own and make my own decisions without answering to someone. I need my life to be based on my own decisions and because of the skids and the crazy BM, my daily life is dictated by them.
Okay, who thinks I'm wrong for not wanting to marry my SO because of the situation with his skids and BM?
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Yes, I've told him that I
Yes, I've told him that I don't think there's any way that I can live the way we live now for the next 10 (or more) years. He says it's not fair to him that I may not stay with him because of his ex wife. He says he has no control over her and it's not fair to punish him. He's a sweet guy, however he doesn't "step up" if you will...he doesn't take charge and enforce rules I ask him to enforce to help keep me sane. One rule I've asked is that when BM needs to stop by our house for something that she calls us or texts us first just to let us know. She's so evil that it totally stresses me out to have her just pulling into my driveway any time she wants unannouced. I asked my SO to tell her to let us know prior and that she shouldn't just be popping in whenever she wants. Well, he told her once and she bitched, but whatever. Then, just 2 days ago, she shows up again without warning. My SO does nothing about it, even after I bitched. All I'm asking is for my home to be my "safe place", and he doesn't even do anything about it.
That's just plain asking for
That's just plain asking for her to show some manners. You don't drop by anyone's house unannounced without calling or texting first. It assumes you are more important than anything else they may be doing, and they should drop everything to attend to your needs. Beyond rude.
You seriously should be on
You seriously should be on your own for a while. I am not saying to stay with SO, but you should have your own space to get away from it. Go with your gut feeling and don't deny yourself what you truly want.
all i can say is skids alone
all i can say is skids alone can be problematic, throw in a crazy bm..... and it's always something...
you're not wrong for having these thoughts...
Good for you! Looking back I
Good for you! Looking back I think I should have thought it over longer......
What you are is....SANE.
What you are is....SANE.
No, you should never marry
No, you should never marry anyone until YOU feel YOU are ready, not because they want you to. Nor should you do it to please them and keep from hurting their feelings. Better to wait than to have it end badly because you felt forced. Take time to yourself, even though you are in this relationship, and decide what you want for yourself. Everything will be better for everyone involved.
I dont think you are wrong at
I dont think you are wrong at all DH and I were together for three years before he proposed and almost 4 before we were married. It wasnt even 3 months after our wedding when s*it fit the fan. He had been hiding quite a few things from me for fear that I would leave. Now 2 1/2 years into our marriage, things are a mess. If you are doing whats right for you and no one can blame you for that.
Aw, thanks for all the nice
Aw, thanks for all the nice comments. I didn't realize how much I had been letting guilt stand in the way of what I wanted because I felt like I was being a bad person. I feel like a bad person quite often due to my feelings towards the whole skid and BM situation. I kept thinking if I was just a stronger or better person I wouldn't let this stuff get to me, like I should be able to prevent my feelings. The sad thing is that I haven't really even been able to completely analyze my feelings for SO because the "whole picture" keeps getting in the way. But then, by being on this website I realize that it doesn't matter what my feelings are for just SO, he doesn't come by himself, it IS a whole package and I have to analyze how I feel about THAT. I need to figure out whether or not I want to live in that picture or not. Thanks again for all of your thoughts, it's nice to know I'm not some evil person for feeling how I do.
"The only thing I wonder is
"The only thing I wonder is why you continue living in the situation you don't want to be married in. I don't know what the difference is."
I agree. Frankly that is what I don't get about many of the situations I read here. If you love your BF and still want to be with him but are unhappy in the living situation, then why not continue the relationship and just live separately - I thought that was one of the BENEFITS of NOT being married? I don't think I'll ever understand those here who are livng in miserable situations but still referring to their SO as their "F"DH. Why on earth would you want to get married if you are already miserable living together?!
I concur... at the risk of
I concur... at the risk of sounding old school, I was wondering the same thing? why would you move in with someone who you were not planning on marrying (unless you both agreed before hand that marraige was never in the future picture?)
Like you I went from parents'
Like you I went from parents' house to married and was never on my own. I left ExH when I was 31. Looking back I feel like I jumped into new relationships too quickly probably because I had never been on my own. I was with my next XSO for a year before it ended disastrously, then with the next one for a year before that ended disastrously as well.
I then swore off men, and spent a few years on my own. It was some of the best time of my life. I was free to do whatever I chose and didn't answer to anyone.
Of course it was lonely at times, knowing there was nobody there to care what I was doing in a good way as well as in a bad way. But I don't regret it at all - I am 100% sure of who I am and what I'm about, because I had that time with nobody shaping me but myself.
When I met SO, it "wasn't supposed to be a thing" - neither of us was looking for a relationship. We hooked up as consenting adults, not looking for anything more. But we found a lot more, and ended up together. It's been over 6 years. We moved in together quickly, and we had SS with us full time for the first 6 years (he just left recently).
Making the transition from single with nobody to answer to, to instant wife and mommy was probably the most difficult transition of my life.
My SO deals very well with BM and SS, so I have a much easier situation than many on here. But it's a lot to take on regardless.
I think it's commendable that you are putting a lot of thought into it.
Is your SO really the man you want to be with, based on *his* qualities, his situation aside? If you think he is, stay where you are. There's no rush to marry him.
Take it one day at a time.
good luck...
L
I think you are SPOT ON! I
I think you are SPOT ON! I married my H even though my gut was telling me it was a mistake and now I regret it terribly and have to find a way out of this mess I created! PLEASE DON'T end up like me!
LizGrace65, I do believe I
LizGrace65, I do believe I jumped into this relationship way too quickly. He was a friend of mine and someone I could talk to because he had just been through a divorce a few years prior and he had children in the mix just like I did...he helped me with a lot of the feelings I was going through. I wish that I would have had a "girlfriend" who had been through that situation and could relate to what I was going through, if I had I might not be in this situation right now. I think I was both afraid of being alone and also I probably confused this friendship with something more. He's a great guy, but I know at this point, we will not make it.
One of my biggest problems is that I have this "overlearned guilt complex" (I had a therapist tell me that years ago) and I feel like I'm responsible for everyone's happiness. I HATE to hurt other people. I am still recovering from the guilt I felt for leaving my ex. It's been over 3 years since we split and I just had a dream last night that I was re-marrying him because I felt so guilty about leaving him, however, my current SO was also there and he was looking at me with a horrible look of sadness, so I was torn because I didn't want to hurt him either. When really, I didn't want to be marrying either one of them....GEESH, pretty telling dream.
I guess Sueu2, the reason I am still in this situation is because I don't want to keep hurting people. I don't want to live the next 10 years feeling bad for walking away from yet another relationship. My SO's mom died from Cancer when he was 10, he's 40 and is still dealing with it. He says every person he has ever been with has left him. He and his younger brother both have this thought process that "everyone leaves", just like their mom did. I'm a person who wants to make the world a better place and if I keep hurting people, I'm making it worse. So, I stay in situations that make me miserable...hence the 18-year marriage.
It is extremely commendable
It is extremely commendable that you are putting the feelings of your BF ahead of your own. What a selfless person you are, too bad there aren't more like you in this crazy world!
Unfortunately, as you say you have to make the choice as to what YOU can live with. Is it fair for you to marry this man, if you know that you will leave him down the road because you eventually will get so fed up with BM, Skids and the drama will chip away at your relationship until there is nothing left?
I also understand your BF's frustration in that he has no control over crazy BM. When hubby and I were first dating, and BM pulled her first stunt, I was ready to run and I remember he cried and said that was what his past couple of relationships had done because nobody could tolerate her nonsense and I, like you, felt bad for him! How could you not??
I hope that you can make a decision for your future that will not cause you guilt, or stress and that you can be happy. Life is too short to spend years of it unhappy!
klynn - I totally understand
klynn - I totally understand where you're coming from wanting to fix things for others and give them happiness. But I have one question...
Who does that for *you*?
You deserve that same happiness. You have a right to try to get it for yourself. You have a right to put yourself first and do what is right for you.
I could be wrong, but what I'm hearing from you is that you don't think you'll make it long term, and you're thinking about making changes, but you're not sure you're ready yet.
That's ok. You'll know when you're ready. Stay where you are until then.
I wouldn't get married in the meantime - but you're not doing anything wrong by maintaining the status quo, even if you have doubts.
L
LizGrace65 - you are 100%
LizGrace65 - you are 100% correct on where I'm at and I thank you for making me feel better about not acting on anything yet. I've been feeling incredibly guilty for how I've felt lately and everyone on this post has made me feel so much better! Thanks for all the kind words everyone!
Klynn, I think you need to
Klynn, I think you need to move out on your own with just you and your son. I know it can be difficult emotionally, but you will be so much happier. You have to have some time to yourself for a while. You sound like you don't even know if you love the person you are with (my apologies if I am wrong). Why is it wrong to hurt other people (by moving out) but it's ok to continue to hurt yourself (by staying there even though you are not happy?) You can not let other peoples issues be the reason you stay, either. I am sorry that SO's mom died when he was young, but it wasn't your fault, so why are you trying to carry that burden? I really understand that it's easier said than done, but your internal feelings will not get any better unless you give yourself a little breathing room!! Keep in mind...just because you want your own place doesn't necessarily mean you have to give up on this relationship...it may end it, but it could also make it stronger.
I am not sure how many of us on ST are like myself, but I have been with DH for over 10 years and we finally got married earlier this year. We are married, but we still do not live together. I have never lived with him (full time--DDstb14 and I do spend the night from time to time) and not all that sure that I ever will while his kids live at home. I don't love him any less, but having my own place where I can decompress has been (at times) essential to keeping this relationship on track.
"We are married, but we still
"We are married, but we still do not live together. I have never lived with him (full time--DDstb14 and I do spend the night from time to time) and not all that sure that I ever will while his kids live at home. I don't love him any less, but having my own place where I can decompress has been (at times) essential to keeping this relationship on track."
LOVE it! Wish this could've been me, but now it's too late.
Oh yes...I suggest this
Oh yes...I suggest this course of action for every step parent out there that has issues with skids. I realize it's not for everyone (it took some serious soul searching when I first started thinking about it myself) Times are very different now and there is no rule that says that just because you are married, that you have to live together. I am very lucky that my DH was ok with the idea, too. We got some backlash from his family and we still get strange looks when people find out that we don't live together, but hey...those people don't have to live my life. My DH has recently said that we could possibly add on a bedroom for our Christmas gifts to eachother (his house is too small for all of us), and I am seriously thinking of telling him that we don't need to do that right yet.
You are doing the right
You are doing the right thing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I tell you if I had known BM and her kids would dessimate my life, I would have run the other direction. Unfortunately a year and a half later we are better, but not great. If could turn back time, I would have stopped after the 2nd date.
You can't undo all the arguments and unkind words you say too each other when fighting over the SK and BM. I wish to hell I could.....