Any suggestions on how stop parenting the skids?
I am at the point that I know I need to be less involved in the skids parenting(actually, I am not married to BF, we do live together). They have two parents and I know I need to back away and not try to parent them, it's making me crazy. The major problems with this are that I am 99% sure my BF has Asbergers and the skids live with us every other week 50/50 custody. I try to step in and parent the skids because it doesn't seem to happen if I don't. If I don't tell the skids they need showers, they could go for days without one. If I don't ask if they have homework, it will end up being pulled out at 9pm and then there's yelling and crying and chaos in my home. I HATE chaos. If I don't put schedules up, nobody knows until 5 minutes before an activity starts that they need to be there...and again, whining and crying about it. I have tried to just shut myself off from all of this, but have no idea how to do it. I don't know that there is an answer for any of this. When I back away and sit and watch everything play out, all three (BF, SD12, SS9) end up stressed out. However, if I try to help, then it's me who ends up stressed out because I don't get any of the info needed to keep up on all the skids activities, plus, their dad doesn't seem to care about whether or not anyone picks up after themselves, eats a decent dinner or takes showers? He claims he does and will be diligent for a few days, but then he just stops noticing again. Do I just let them all live how they see fit and engage in my own life? Anyone?
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Ahhhhhh, blender....so
Ahhhhhh, blender....so familiar. I feel a comaraderie with you. Except, I think you probably have it worse than I do because my Bio Son is 18 and I don't have to worry about him learning bad habits from skids. Honestly, being that I'm not married to SO, I can't say for sure I will stick it out. We've dated for 3 years and lived together for 1 1/2 years. When we were just dating, I could disengage and go home...you have no idea how much I wish I would have left the situation as it was. Ever since I've moved in, life has been chaos. I will say that I'm definitely getting better at ignoring the things that drive me nuts and worry less about how the skids turn out. I'm a fixer by nature, I want to take care of people, so it was originally very hard for me to keep my distance. Now I know that if I don't, I will end up crazy.
What do you do about chores/etc? I have given up on telling them to clean their rooms and hang up their clothes, now I just shut the bedroom doors and ignore what's behind them. BUT, I get soooo sick and tired of having to clean up after them all the time in the "common" areas of the house. If I don't "nag" at their dad he dsn't remember to have them pick up their own dishes, load them in the dishwasher, pick their wet towels up off the bathroom floor. Do you just do these things and not say anything? I'm so tired of being a nag, it's just not in my nature, but I'm also so tired of being the maid! I've even tried leaving everything alone during the week they are with us and hope they will get sick of living in filth...doesn't work. They're apparently fine with filth. I am not.
I have learned to disengage a
I have learned to disengage a while back. I am not their father ,and I don't plan to be. If they want something, all they have to do is ask. I have gotten to the point that hey are very selfish ,and feel entitled to do and say as they please. So, I don't deal with it. They don't talk to me , so, I let their mother deal with them. Maybe someday they will see what they missed, but, for now this is the best I can do for both of us. Would I like to be a better open relationship with them, yes. Will they come around, maybe, maybe not. I just have gotten tired of being their doormat and getting nothing in return.
Thanks for all the
Thanks for all the suggestions, good one they are indeed.
MayLetHerWin, I'm not actually sure how BF's life was with his ex except for the fact that he worked approximately 60 hours a week so that she could stay home with the kids. So, yes, I assume she did most things and he didn't have to. Of course, he had his role and she had hers. I don't want him to sound like a bad person, he's not. He never sits down, he's always doing something around the house. He's just oblivious and I thoroughly believe it's because he has Asbergers Syndrome. When I "remind" (nag)him about things, he enforces those things...but it's very short lived. He says he will do anything to make me happy, but I know he's not really capable of being on top of everything. So, I figure if I disengage and handle things differently, I may survive. LOL!
Love all the suggestions and I'm definitely going to use them, they are great!
Im in the same boat you are
Im in the same boat you are without a paddle. My sd is 12 and is a total slob, she DOES nothing. I mean nothing! She comes to our house and again does nothing from the time she gets there to the time she leaves. I have made chore lists and asked and asked that they be followed. My husband does enforce for a week max then its back to the same ole same ole.
Please note...I do not want her to feel like she is Cinderella or anything. Please I dont ask her to do much of anything. Things like make your bed, pick you floor up, no eating and drinking in bedroom. Common stuff that hopefully will teach responsiblity and cleaniness.
But, what is boils down to is she is not made to do this stuff and her moms and before I came along she didnt do it at her dads. My husband does not make her do the stuff asked of her because he is afraid she will stop coming and stay with her mom. Its a loosing battle for me. This is not a GOOD way to parent, but both of her parents are guilty of it and at night when I lay my head down on my pillow I know that I try...it may not be helping or seem like it is helping, but I have faith that in 10 years when she is out on her own that she will think to herself...thank god my sm showed me how to do that...cause I dont know how to do anything else!