50/50 works in our family, but no body has special needs per se... and the 'other' families both live very close. HOWEVER...as my son has gotton to be a teenager, he is finding it difficult to do 50/50 and now spends most of his time at his Dads..which is closer to his friends. I think that if you had a child with special needs it might be especially difficult...but I didn't find it this way with my SS or my BS. I guess communication is the key, and as long as you can communicate with the Ex's..then it's ok.

we don't have 50/50, close but no cigar.... bm is supposed to have skids about 3 extra nights a month (but she usually dumps them at her mom's house or sd @ my mil's and ss with her dad).

we live far away (about 45 mins) and skids have NO friends here, so i am praying for the day they want to stay at home more to be closer to their friends (which neither have very many), but in bm's trailerhood they have a bunch of "cousins".

My ex had 40% and I had 60%. It was very hard on the kids. We only did that for a couple of months and then we changed it to eow and wednesday/thursday on the opposite weeks. We never did tell the court we had changed it as cs goes way up when the days are reduced (I'm in Canada). I felt like the ex was only doing the 40%to lower the cs so I just left it and negotisted the 2 days/per week with him for the sake of the kids. I think exh would have pushed for 40% to remain if it meant his cs would go up. I'm easy to get along with as long as things are in the best intrest of my kids. Yeah, I'm one of the nice BM's, lol.

I have many friends who are teachers and every one of them agree that 50/50 custody situations are not the best choice for *most* kids and *average* situations. They all were very worried about my skids when I first began telling them about our 50/50 visitation. It's been fine so far but SD5 only just started kindergarten and SS3 just goes to day care every day.

My friends say they find it sad when the kids don't have a "home". They will write, "My dog Fido lives at Daddy's house and my cat Tigger lives at Mommy's house." It's always "mommy's" or "daddy's" and never "MY" house. My sister feels really strongly that kids need to identify with a HOME that is THEIRS, not someone else's who they visit.

I have mixed feelings...it really depends on a lot of factors whether 50/50 is the best choice, but I do agree that a more stable environment is the winner.

I think it all really depends on the people involved; how well do the parents cooperate, how well do the kids tolerate it, and the schedule of the 50/50. I've heard of some schedules where the kids are bouncing back and forth just about everyday, and personally I don't think that is a good idea (for some it may work, I just don't think it would be a good schedule). My BF has an every other week schedule which has been working out pretty good. There is little to no contact with BM as all drop offs and pick ups are done at daycare/preschool (except when she gets a screw loose and goes on a rant with incessant texting ). This schedule is all SS3 (almost 4) has ever known so he has adjusted to it quite well with little effect on him (except different behavior at moms vs dads because he knows that BM will let him get away with certain things that dad won't).

Communication is necessary, but I don't think it needs to be the type where everyone is all hunky dory with each other, and acts like they all get along great. My BF and BM DO NOT like each other. But they have tolerated each other for SS when necessary. If two parents cannot talk about anything ever to each other that has to do with the child, then no, I don't think 50/50 is a good idea. But, if they can communicate when absolutely necessary, even if it's not the greatest communication, then I think 50/50 can work great.

A lot of the time (not always, but a lot) the BM is the reason why communication is non existent (i.e. being a complete loon and acting all crazy). Without at the very least, decent communication, 50/50 is probably not going to work. Given that the BM is almost always the primary in anything less than 50/50, the father suffers because of her inability to act like an adult, and I think that is crap.

My exhusband and I have shared 50/50 custody since our son was 13 months old. We have alternating weeks and this has worked out well. Although I would have rather had my son with me everyday, this has helped to ensure he has a great relationship with his Daddy. I actually think his Daddy lets him get by a lot more with him than I do (which is okay with me because he knows what he can get by with at both houses). My son rides the bus to and from school from his Daddy's house and I take him back and forth on my weeks. I make this sacrifice because this is his fathers school.

I was the main caretaker of my son when XH and I split. This was so hard on me but I knew my son deserved to have a relationship with his father. My Daddy never fought to see me and if he was going to make sure my son had everything he needed and he was safe.. then it was what needed to be done. I didnt come by this decision easily but I was putting my son first. My son is an awesome person and yes, he does say this is at my Daddys house and this is at my Momas house but he knows he lives at both places and both places are his house. He is welcome to come and go to either house as he chooses. If he wants to for some reason go to his Dad's on my time, I have never stopped him and vice versa. It may not work out well for everyone else but it has in my case.

Friday to Friday 50/50 worked way better than Wednesday to Wednesday. I do think that arrangements that break up days and nights during the week are disruptive to the kids, and the households. IMO, what's the point? Kids thrive better with consistent schedules/routines.

As far as leaving things behind, that improved when everyone quit retrieving forgotten items and held the kids responsible, or the drop off parent--not the receiving parent. Different rules aren't confusing to them-- they naturally abide by the least stringent. At least they are being exposed to better behaviors. We didn't have problems with mom signing kids up without our knowledge... she always came looking for the fees. Our biggest problem was that mom would allow kids to drop out of programs, or feign sicknesses. We would show up for a soccer game to find out that the SKIDS weren't there!!

I agree that 50/50 can lessen the PAS impact. I can only imagine what we would be dealing with if we hadn't had more time with the SKIDS.

I also dont' think it's a good idea...unless they are in the same school district/area. Otherwise I think it's very hard on the kids.

Divorce the Sandcastle's way is an excellent book..and it does address this. It creats a lot of conflict for the child.

Someone I dated previously had this arrangement-the REASON he did it was because no CS was exchanged. Even a few years later when it was so obvious it was so hard on the kids and his ex was wanting a more traditional set up-he refused...but it was because he didn't want to pay. Obviously the relationship didnt' last, but IMO he was NOT acting in the best interest of his girls as it was very tough on them. They lived 30-40min from eachother...the mom would have to drive the kids to school with a new baby and wait for an hour until the other kid started school (elementar/middle differences in start time)...it was hard on the kids. Was the same in the afternoon-and this was 3 -4 days out of the week. He had wknds and none of the big homework/school and commuting and having girls wait around...a lot of it for him was abotu punishing his ex.

Sad.

From my years of Stalking ..... it is clear to me that primary custody with a long distance visitation schedule is the easiest situation to manage.

This gives the Skids the best opportunity for a stable primary home with consistent rules, routine, etc.... and the best opportunity for extended periods of time with the NCP to grow a relationship that is not overly infringed upon by the CP.

It seems to me that the 50/50 EOW/EOWE thing drives a ton of drama and instability in to the situation.

That said, if the CP in the long distance visitation situation is not reasonable it can result in no relationship between the kid and the NCP. Which is criminal IMHO.

Assumming that neither the CP and NCP are criminal scumb bags in which case all bets are off.

Best regards,

It works for us now, but SD3.5 isn't school aged yet. In fact, we only recently changed the schedule so that she goes to the daycare/preschool her mom works at when it's BMs week to parent. Until a week ago, she came here while BM worked on BM's week, and BM picked her up every night after work (usually).

It got to be where SD3.5 was getting worse and worse in the behavior department because she never knew what to expect from her mom. Last week her mom got a new job at a preschool, and I suggested that maybe SD could enroll there to make it more consistent. What I was really thinking was "BM really needs to plan on parenting when it's her week." So far it's working well, and truth be told, I'm happier not seeing her every single day (BM that is).

She just went from 50/50 with her older child to 3 weekends a month. I'm thinking when SD goes to school, we will probably do that switch too, where SD lives here and BM takes her only on weekends, but she's here during school time, because I work from home. It's not an option for her to pick up SD from kindergarten or help with homework. She will probably concede to just parent when she feels like it. That's fine with me.

When my parents split they lived about 10 minutes from each other. Even though it felt like an hour drive. At first my mom picked us up everyday after school because we were latch key kids and either she would drop us off at night to dad's or he would pick us up. We didn't stay overnights at her house because she worked overnights. We also stayed with her EOW. Eventually I don't remember how long our schedule was changed to going to mom's on Wed because we had CCD (religious school) and EOW (Fri-Sun). We were the ones to ask to change to this schedule because we weren't able to hang out with any friends when we were at mom's. Even though it was only a 10 minute drive it was a seperate school district and a couple very busy roads to cross. We didn't really have that many friends by her house because it was hard to make friends with kids that you didn't go to school with or play sports with like at the park district. My mom would pick us up anytime we wanted her to or to take us to dr's appts and such even if it wasn't her day. She was pretty easy going about that.

I think 50/50 depends on how close the parents live to each other and how well they communicate. And as for not having a true house ie mom's house vs dad's house. I think most divorced kids say that. That's their new living arrangements you don't have one home you now have 2 and to be able to distinguish the 2 you put a label on it. It's kind of like having 2 friends with the same name you also use their last name or a feature like Jennie with the red hair to distinguish who or what your talking about.

And Rags I would have been devasted with having a long distance relationship with either of my parents. I think I got some good qualities from both parents and I've learned from them and they way they've handeled custody and our relationships with steps on how to hopefully be a better sm myself.