Back CS question
My fiance and I are getting married in a month. BM hates me for no reason and has been talking bad about me to future SKids. To the point where FSD asks me why her mom hates me, she doesn't even know me??? I explained that she hates my role in her life and it really has nothing to do with me as a person. I feel really bad for the kids, because it seems like they like me, but they often do not involve me in their conversations with FDH, they are very private, but polite.
Even though they have papers stating what the visitation is and the CS, they remained friends and altered it on their own. BM was trying to buy a house 4 years ago, and FDH lent her 7000.00, she said ok, so just give me half of the CS. The papers say FDH gets the kids for 1 overnight a week and everyother weekend. However, he had them for 2 overnights and everyother weekend. There were times where she felt she needed him to take them other nights as well, and gladly he did. He also babysat there other baby so BM and her husband could have a date night. FDH also was paying for Katate for both kids in the amount of 300.00 per month and never asked for compensation. Based on the one overnight and both of their incomes 5 years ago he is suppose to give her 710.00. But because of the money lent and extra nights she just said just give me 300.00. Sometimes she would say can u get the kids sneakers, or haircuts, and they would shop together for the kids and split it. Well now I'm in the picture and she gets worse everyday. Sometimes she is nice and sometimes she is not, she sits by him at basketball games when he is alone and talks to him, but when i come she sits on the other side and ignores both of us. She doesn't tell him about concerts FSD is in or anything going on with the school, doctors ect. Well, now she went to a lawyer and is insisting on more CS and visitation change due to a letter his daughter wrote saying going to our house every other day is difficult on her and her brother. She misses her friends and hates the extra 20 minutes she needs to drive to school. We went to a lawyer and she said BM can go for back CS. So FDH meets with BM to try and work it out over coffee. She hands him a photocopy of the letter his daughter wrote indicating basically that she wants more time over BM house and more alone time with him and not me and my kids. He starts crying like a baby. At that point she says, I will let you have the kids everyother weekend and Monday. They can come over on Wednesday for dinner but she will pick them up at 8. Which is funny because he did all the driving for the past 3 years, she never picked up or dropped off.She then said even thought your CS will go up with the new schedule, I will agree to letting you pay 300.00 less monthly than what you would really owe me.So because we are in a financial bind he agrees. He than makes a simple request of her waiting a month to get braces on FSD. He explained that if she waited a month, my insurance would pick up some of the expense. She said no.So she is calling all the shots.Now because of the unexpected 650.00 a month and lawyer costs thus far, we fell behind in our bills. She financilly ruined us. Took all the excitement out of our wedding and caused us never experience before fighting and hard feelings. When I saw how hurt he was, I yelled at his daughter when he was outside crying feeling like his kids want him to be alone and he is loosing his kids. I did say some pretty harsh things to her and told her how much money her little temper tantrum cost us and told her she is 2 faced like her mom. Well now the next day, BM doesn't want the kids near me and they don't ever want to come over again. He starts crying again feeling complete loss and she throws in that FSD told her alcholic husband that he is more of a dad to her than her own, and FSS(10) feels like he is being ignored. She finally has something on me to dangle the kids infront of him. After talking with the kids, the 10yo has no idea what is going on and the 12yo is sorry she didn't give the letter to him. My question is, he doesn't want to give up the kids unless he hears from the kids that it would be easier to give up time with him, can she go for back CS? He feels like he has to kiss her ass and give her what she wants so she doesn't financially destroy us. In addition to all the expenses paid so far, we also paid for a 200.00 violin for FSS because she doesnt believe in him playing it. Can we deduct that from next months CS without her saying well then you can pay me the amount owed and back cs? I hate that she is running the ship with her blackmail. Please help :O
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I think you need to get all
I think you need to get all the agreements in writing and in front of a judge. Does he have documentation of what he has paid, ie the $7000?
It may hurt in the short run but you need to get this finalized so you can go on with your life. Otherwise she has you over a barrel.
Also she is escalating this right now because she is trying to stop your wedding. Tell DH to man up, she can't prevent him from seeing his kids.
Thank you for your comment.
Thank you for your comment. How he deals with her is our only problem with each other. I agree, man up and put her in her place. He hates to live under her thumb but he does not want our household to suffer anymore financially than we have to. He is already looking for a second job.
He gave her a check, so he can get a copy, but the lawyer said big deal that was paid the first year. Don't we have a fighting chance that for all this time of verbals agreement. he may not have paid the 710.00 everymonth, but he had them for extra nights, and paid other expenses. Can she really claim 3 years worth the back CS. She never made it an issue until 2 weeks before our engagement. We cannot afford a lawyer. And the unexpected money just thrown at us. I can deal with paying what she is owed now, but now to cut his days and have to pay more, and putting 6000.00 for 20months of braces on their daughter not caring if we could do it right this minute just makes me want to scream. :
I really hate to tell you
I really hate to tell you this, but the verbal agreement means nothing. There was a child support amount that was set, and by him not paying the full amount, he is in arrears-point blank. I guess he could sue her in civil court for her to pay back the $7000.00, but that is even iffy if he doesn't have an IOU or anything like that. A check could mean anything-courts tend to take that as he made her a monetary "gift". If you marry this man, you are also marrying this situation, and you need to go in with eyes wide open. It won't stop here. You might be in court every year regardless, so you might as well bite the bullet and go now. It sucks, and you are going to be resentful and PISSED off for years, trust me. I have been there, have the t-shirt.
OMG....So 2 and a half years
OMG....So 2 and a half years of me taking care of them and 1 blow up he can basically loose his kids??? What about all the verbal abuse she has given the daughter, due to her BiPolar condition? It was just April that we were getting text messages from the daughter saying she can't take it anymore she wants to live with us but doesn't want to hurt mommy. Or the SD who on his daily FB Page writes what the liquor of the day is, and then they come over and say he is sick on the couch. Or the police showing up at the house because of a domestic dispute? My one out of line outburst may have cost him the kids and tons of legal costs?
Maybe I should walk away...I dont think she would go after the back CS...or be messing with his custodial rights if. She just hates me and is making him miserable.
I know I reacted wrong and I
I know I reacted wrong and I did apologize. The letter was written for FDH, why she gave it to her mom, who she knows and doesn't understand is beyond me. We have never made her feel like her opinion doesn't count and I have helped her cope with many inappropriate behaviors from her mom without once bad mouthing BM...FSD has no idea that i can't stand her mom...We never make ex's a topic or bash them. Haven't you ever reacted wrong and realized you made a mistake? Being a FSM and I have lived with these kids on a 50/50 basis for over 2 years, there is no room for error? I have treated them like my own, loved them, did laudry, cleaned rooms, cooked dinners. I made a mistake, and I take full responsibility for it, but I will not be the scapegoat here. I have and ex and we have 50/50 custody and we get a long great for the kids sake. We discuss every issue with each other. We don't blackmail and we are not disrespectful to significant others. BM could have talked and worked something out without ignoring him and running to a lawyer.
Thank you. Something to look
Thank you. Something to look into definately.
Read the court order
Read the court order carefully with the understanding that a court order is a court order until a judge decides differently. Your fiance and his ex don't have the power to change a court order. Only a judge can do that.
Your spat with his daughter may have damaged the relationship. But that stuff doesn't usually cause too much trouble in a courtroom. I would tell the attorney about it, but he'll probably tell you not to worry too much about it.
BUT...the child support issue could be huge. Your fiance could end up in jail over the arrears, if a court decides it exists.
Your DH needs to be completely, 100% honest with his attorney. All is not necessarily lost. These types of situations tend to settle outside of court. But typcially, you need a really good attorney to handle the negotiations.
He saw a lawyer and she said
:jawdrop: He saw a lawyer and she said to just play nice and give her what she wants. The goal of the meeting was to avoid her getting the back child support. Is there anyway that she can sign something after their meeting that she will not go after that money? Also, I wrote my FSD an email apologizing, and she in turn wrote back and apologized also. She did say in the email that she can't imagine her life without me and my kids, and how much I have taught her over the years, and all the good memories I have given her. BM threw us a bone and let them visit Monday and they are suppose to come over for dinner tonight and spend the weekend. I have seen FSD and we cried and hugged and made up. If FSD forgave me would that matter. BM is loving this. In order for FDH to see kids at first, he had to say he ended it with me and the kids would never see me again. She didn't even give him the opportunity to break it to the kids, she got off the phone and told them.
The attorney told you to play
The attorney told you to play nice because the last thing you want to do is end up in court if you are behind on child support payments.
Don't ask her to sign anything! Let the attorney deal with that.
Did I mention that the reason
Did I mention that the reason she said 300.00 was because she can't get the life insurance she needs that is stated in the divorce papers because she was in a psyc facility while they were married. She was feeling depressed and wanted to drown their kids, so FDH flew home and and rushed her to the hospital. He lost his business due to her mental illness. She was diagose then with bipolar.
Did he fight her for custody
Did he fight her for custody when they divorced???
No. His lawyer said it would
No. His lawyer said it would be very difficult and very expensive. And even after the expense, he still may not win, so he chose not to fight.
You need to step back and not
You need to step back and not be so involved here. He screwed up not paying what the court ordered and not keeping track, but you are making it worse. Even if you get through this, it will happen again. I guarantee BM is keeping notes on everything you have said and done. We just made her attorney give us all work product and she had two pages of notes on me. Let all contact go between your DH and her. You keep your distance from the kids. You can be in their life, but don't be so heavily involved. I would continue with the lawyers no matter the cost, get everything in writing for the next problem.
Also, if you are intent on marrying and know that if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't, please get a pre-nup to protect all your assets. Turns out since we file separate taxes going forward and that all of our finances are separate, she has no right to it. Trust me she has tried, but I am protecting everything and keeping his name off of it.
She may or may not be able to
She may or may not be able to get a judgment for back support. With the $7000 loan if she does get any back CS it may be limited. However, if the $700/mo CS was court ordered your DH is hosed and will likely not only owe back CS but interest also.
Never, ever, ever pay any more or less than the CO stipulates. There are no points for being a good guy when it comes to CS or Family Law Judges.
I know your DH is having a tough time with this but he needs to defend himself vigorously against BM's efforts to limit his access to his children and to maintain control over him as well as your home and family.
You mentioned legal fees and indicate that you do not have an attorney. Why would your DH pay BMs legal fees if my understanding is accurate?
As for the braces? My wife is the CP in our blended family. Our CO stipulates that BioDad (the SpermIdiot) is responsible for half of medical expenses not covered by insurance. As the Custodial Family for our son (my SS) we pay and the SpermIdiot is responsible for reimbursing us half. Have BM pay for the braces and your DH can reimburse her over time just as she lowered his CS obligation in order to pay back the $7000 he loaned her for her home.
On the surface I do not necessarily disagree with BMs move to get the visitation and CS documented in a CO. However, her efforts to manipulate and control your DH after you joined the party while she has remarried have the odor of a PAS infested hag. Your DH needs to treat her accordingly. No bullshit and smack the crap out of her with the CO when she steps out of line.
She can not take time away from him in violation of the original visitation agreement. The precedent she set by giving him extra time should be influential in helping your DH get additional time now that BM has initiated a court action.
My recommendation would be to go after custody. BM lives with an alcoholic. I would use that to rip her a new asshole in court for willfully endangering DHs children. You do not know the details of how her DH treats the kids when they are in his home so the assumption has to be that his is a slobbering drunk with sever character issues.
The key to managing manipulation from the Blended Family Opposition is to go for blood. You may not win but dealing with BM is like dealing with the school bully. You might not win the fight but when you bloody the bullies nose they usually will find someone else to pick on.
If BM wants to be a manipulative hag, then your DH needs to find his sack, give it a firm squeeze and step up to her bullshit. His children will be far better served by a confident assertive father that will stand up for his self and for them than they will a father that will placate and roll over ever time BM gets bitchy.
IMHO of course.
Best regards.
ha ha. Well....we have lived
:? ha ha. Well....we have lived together to 2 and a half years. We combined our finances because I got laid off 2 years ago and could manage my everyday expensed. I paid off his debt early on so we could get his credit up and buy a house since he had the income to show. It was a you help me and I'll help you. I've known this man my whole life and I trust him. There was never a doubt in my mind if we would make it. I don't want to put my kids thru this again. Its a shame this had to come up now :? Do I put a price tag on him, by saying I would marry you, but you owe too much money to your ex??? Help
Yes - I recommend highly that
Yes - I recommend highly that you separate all finances now. She will have access to your income if you don't. You need to seriously reconsider marrying him. If he won't stand up to her now, then what will he do when these kids are teens and the drama really begins?