I may cath flack but need assistance
I just started seeing this guy that I have know for a year. He is currently married but very unhappily. They had decided to split for the 2nd time when she texted him that she took a pregnancy test and it was positive. He recently found out that she had been cheating on him prior to finding out that she was pregnant. Ever since they are constantly fighting and the big one was this last weekend. He has 2 kids (10 & 7) from a previous marriage and she was nice to them prior to getting married. When she had their daughter (4) she flipped the switch on him. She doesn't want his other kids around. He has had some doubts about his daughter from preious relationshp and has voiced thosein confidence with his wife. He has his kids every Friday night overnight. The wife is constantly mad about this. This last Saturday morning they were arguing about going to watch a fotball game at a friends house. The wife didn't want him to take his kids because hs son (10) has long hair and it is embarrassing to her. She started an arguement and then in front of his 7yr old daughter stated "why don't you tell her the truth about you having doubts that you are her real father" .... Sometimes people should think before they speak right... Well he decided that he was going to stay home with his kids and let her go to the party to avoid any further arguements.
She continues to throw it in his face that she is going to leave and that he will NEVER find anyone else better than her ... He told her to leave. It took all his might t not tell her that he was already with someone else 100 times better than she could ever be ....
Anyway, she made his life a living hell the first time they seperated and he doesn't want to go through that again ... she stalked him for a year before he deided to try and make things work for their daughter and now they have a baby on the way (quetions if he is the father now) ...
I guess I need advice on what to tell him ... I know what I want him to do and what I think needs to happen, but I am also in the middle.
I have 3 kids of my own and I am currently seperated for 2 years from my 2nd husband because my kids weren't comfortable around him. I chose my children over my marriage. Which is what he should do. He gets along great with his ex and his wife hates that. Jealousy or insecurity on her part, but she doesn't think he should have relationship with them...Doubt o no doubts he has raised them for the last 10 and 7 years ... to me any man can be a sperm donor but it takes someone special to be a father.
He needs advice .....
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Comments
RUN!!!!! Seriously, that is
RUN!!!!!
Seriously, that is the only advise I can offer. I don't care how good a dad this guy is. He has proven track record of absolute dishonestly.
And he is still married. And you are still married.
This is just a recipe for disaster. Take some time to get your divorce finalized (if that's what you want). Then stay single for a while and figure out why in the world you would be attracted to a man with who knows how many baby mamas.
Dido!!
Dido!!
What is it that you want to
What is it that you want to tell him?
let's throw in a nasty bm ass
let's throw in a nasty bm ass kissing mil.... pas'd skids, some tat's & piercings and you might earn yourself a place on the springer show...
this doesn't sound good..
I'm sorry.... I couldn't get
I'm sorry....
I couldn't get past the first 2 sentences.
Sweetie, there seems to be too much going on in this sitution. Whatever happens between this guy and his wife, you need no part of, whether he's happy or not.
Just, wow.
I hear what you are saying
I hear what you are saying ... He has been married 1 time to his current wife ... He was in a relationship with his other 2 kids mom for 6 years ... I am in the process of my divorce which is complicated because when I left him 2 years ago he skipped town and is nowhere to be found. I think that you all seem to have the impression that he is the bad guy. His wife is the one that cheated on him numerous times and he has only stayed for the kids. I know his wife personally and the marriage was doomed from the start. She is a compulsive liar and told him numerous times before him and I ever decided to start seeing each other that the most recent affair she ws having was over, but he got her cell phone records and found out that they are still seeing each other. Like I said 2 days ago she told him that se was moving out of their house and was going o move in with the guy she had supposedly stopped seeing .... right now he has 3 kids and one on the way .. He knows for sure that the 10yr old and the 4 yr old are definately his, no denying that. His question is the baby on the way and the 7yr old.
I guess what I was wanting help on was what to tell him ... should he get a paternity test on the 7yr old or just leave it be because he has raised her for the last 7 years as his own ... as for the baby boy on the way he has already decided that a paternity test is necessary.
But isn't he cheating on his
But isn't he cheating on his wife right now??
It is a crazy-making situation when people start new relationships before ending their old ones.
Plus, how many women have you heard that hang on for years waiting for their married lover to get a divorce so he can "finally be with the right woman"! Or some similar sappy crap.
Yes he is cheating on his
Yes he is cheating on his wife and technically am cheating on my husband ...
Am I waiting around for him to get divorced ...NO ... I don't even want to get married again .. I was single for 12 years before I got remarried and that was the biggest mistake I ever made (getting remarried) ... I am ok with being alone ....
I don't see anyone as the
I don't see anyone as the good or the bad....
all I see is an ugly situation that is compounded by some legalities that cannot be ignored.
If he doubts paternity, then yes a test is in order.
Still, M*A*R*R*I*E*D
Still,
M*A*R*R*I*E*D
I am not trying to justify
I am not trying to justify anything ... Yes I am still tecnically married .. I served my husband 3 times and now I am in a waiting period because he didn't respond ... So I have filed ...
The guy I am seeing has not filed yet ... We have only been seeing each other for a week ... Is he going to file most definately and I think he needs to do it soon ... He doesn't want his wife around his kids and he spends most nights at his grandmother's house who recently passed away. He avoids his wife at all costs going home long enough to shower and change his clothes.
Running away I am not going to do .... stop seeing him until he is divorced I can do .... We have been friends for a year and that wont stop
Why is my realtionship doomed
Why is my realtionship doomed from the start? I knew exactly what I was getting into before I even got into it. I know both sides of the story. Like I said before I have known them for a year
Ok I have to put in my 2
Ok I have to put in my 2 cents here. My dh and I started seeing each other before t5hey were divorced and we should have waited!!!! We went through a really bad first 3 years b/c of it. Dh NEEDED the grieving time and he didn't get it. He grieved while we were married and it was very hard for me. It had nothing to do with him still wanting bm but everything to do with the fact his marriage ended. does that make since? I had been single for almost 10 years so I didn't get it. Your BF needs to have the grieving period before he can go on. You have been away from your soon to be ex husband for 2 years so you have already been through that process. Your Bf needs to do the same for himself. I hope this makes since.
I also agree that your bf needs to take care if his business before you 2 get together. I am talking from experience,
I agree about the grieving
I agree about the grieving part. However, he has been doing alot of grieving the last 2 years. I think that is why they both decided to call it quits before she found out she was pregnant. I know that they has been miserable in the marriage ever since the first time they split and got back together. The only reason he took her back is so he could see his daughter every night. He has tried marriage counseling and she refuses to work on it.
It doesn't matter same
It doesn't matter same situation with my dh. He tried to make it work so many times and left so many times he really thought he did his grieving but he didn't. He is STILL in that situation and until he is no longer there he doesn;t realize he needs that time.
I agree with the tests though he needs to know if they are his or not.
Him and I have already talked
Him and I have already talked about it. He wants to get a paternity test for his own peace, but he says he doesn't care what the outcome is he is and will always be her father.
I think you need to cut ties
I think you need to cut ties and get out of the situation until he figures things out on his own. You being involved is exacerbating his current situation with his wife and he needs to make those decisions with a clear head. Yes she has cheated. So has he. Whether you can say "separated" ___ times or not, neither has filed for divorce. This is a HUGE red flag, on fire, burning your eyebrows as it waves in your face.
You apparently care a lot about this man but you must realize that you are putting yourself (and your children, eventually) into a huge mess and that there doesn't seem to be a resolution occuring yet, since there has not been an effort made to make a change in his current situation (effort meaning action to dissolve the marriage).
I would love to know what he tells you and what your future plans are? Does he say he wants to be with you and loves you, etc.
I do not completely agree with everyone that says "RUN" -- as that is SO much easier said than done. As you said, you went into the situation fully aware. I just truly believe that when you are this involved and interwoven into the situation, you can't think clearly, and he can't either.
And from experience, I say
And from experience, I say yes to him getting a paternity test on the new baby but no to getting one for the 7 year old. My fiance battled with having one done on his son, but the outcome would have killed him. He signed the paperwork saying he was the father (at birth) so he is legally bound to the child no matter if it turned out to be his or not (unless the true father stepped forward).
I do have to clear one thing
I do have to clear one thing up. When dh and I got back together it was AFTER he filed for divorce and had already moved out of their house. But like I said dh needed more time than that.
You have been SEEING him for
You have been SEEING him for a week?
Sigh!
Step back and tell him when he is divorced then you will see him. You will wait xx months and if he hasn't got things finalised by then you are walking away.
This is so much like trouble, once this woman hears you are in the picture the collateral damage (his kids) will be terrible.
Step back until the dust settles. If it is meant to be, it will happen.
But I suspect you want to play Nurse Nightingale and tend his emotional wounds and show him what a good woman you are and he will have a wonderful loving wife etc.... meanwhile he will be tied to this woman forever... or at least the next 14 yrs until the 4 yr old turns 18. Not to mention to posssiblity he IS the father of the unborn child. Add another 4 yrs.
I would not expose my kids to this drama. Ever. Not for longer than it would take to move out/get in my car and drive away... fast
You are addicted to the
You are addicted to the drama. It's ok to say that. I was as well at one point. I had a very smart guy tell me that I "create drama in my life when I get bored". I was pissed when he said it. But he was right.
You both need time to get your lives back on track. You are both still married. Yes, I get that y'all are separated. But you are both legally married. That is NOT the time to start a new relationship. It's not a moral judgment. It's just not smart legally.
Yep. I think I realized it
Yep. I think I realized it for real when I read Steven Covey and learned about the urgency addition. I was completely addicted to the adrenaline rush of saving the world. I wasn't happy unless I was right in the middle of drama. And when I got bored, I searched out people and situations who could provide me that "fix".