Puberty
So it looks like I'm going to be the one who talks with SD about her changing body and that things that were previously no big deal, are now becoming inappropriate for someone her age.
She's 11 and has already started her period (sorry if there are any guys on here, this might be a little graphic). I was the one that explained that she needed to be sure to clean "down there" really well during that time of the month. Also had to tell her that when you sleep at night you and there isn't anything on the pad when you wake up, it doesn't mean you have stopped. Her mom doesnt tell her any of this and is trying to force her to use tampons (which she's uncomfortable with seeing as it has only been about 3 months now).
Her boobs are getting bigger and last night I had to talk with her about how it was becoming inappropriate to wear a thin white tank top (without a bra) to bed at her daddy's house. She didn't understand why that was a big deal because it is just to bed and her daddy.
I completely understand that and in some ways it's not a big deal, BUT I'm afraid that she will do that at school and will get made fun of or get in trouble or have boys making comments. Her mom doesn't make her wear underwear ("because I dont wear any so why should I force her?") and her sister is a former stripper (at just 25) and wears TRASHY HO clothes so she doesn't exactly have a great example to follow.
THoughts and suggestions as to how to tackle and explain these changes to her? Her dad feels out of place doing it and I'm pretty sure that what her mom tells her will not be very prudent.
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My own experience...my (step)
My own experience...my (step) mom had to do this all for me, too. My BM left the picture when I was 10, so my stepmom is really the only mom I have. She took me for my first bra, taught me the in's and out's of periods, every thing.
Now, I'm a BM and a SM to 2 girls who are both 13...almost 14. I have had to be the one to walk through these lessons with both of them. SD is a big girl, so it was never so easy to go get a training bra when it became time. It was going to every store in our local mall...and only finding the old "granny" bras. SD's BM bought her sexy bras (at 11 and 12 years old) that SD could stretch around her and call it "fitting". SD was measured at 40AA and her BM would send her home wearing 34B's!! I don't get it. There is an aunt (DH's brothers wife) that tries to help, but is completely loyal to SD, so she is easily swayed. Meaning, she has also sent SD home with inappropriate clothes just because SD wanted it. This aunt just so happenes to be the biggest female role model to SD (or so we think...because of the crazy behavior from BM...). Aunt does not wear underwear either, so now...neither does SD13. Really gross when she wears her short little dresses (which I throw away every chance I get).
The only thing you can do is to help SD through this difficult time in her life. Teach her how to be clean, don't let her get pressured into anything (tampons or trashy clothes) if she doens't want to do it! But, understand that some things are just impossible. No matter how many times I have told and shown SD how to properly dispose of used pads, yesterday..in the kids bathroom..I noticed a bloody splotch on the cabinet..."odd" I thought. Then I picked up some laundry and found some panties with the used pad still attached and suddenly understood what happened. She took off her panties and flung them over to the dirty clothes pile and hit the cabinet with the pad. Completely disgusting and I even dry heaved. I dropped everything and left it for DH to take care of.
SD is also bigger than most
SD is also bigger than most of the kids her size, so she has to use bra extenders. I SOOOOOO feel your pain on the bra shopping!!!!!!!
I like that idea. Kids are so
I like that idea. Kids are so celebrity-driven now that giving her someone to model after would be a great idea. No matter how well-dressed and properly dressed you appear (even though yes, you're providing a good model for her) she will still not be able to compare her fashions to yours. Other suggestions would be Carrie Underwood, or Taylor Swift (always modestly clothed), or Selena Gomez.
I think you should continue what you're doing. Keep teaching her things, don't get frustrated if she doesn't want to try your idea because that could push her away. Provide her with the things she needs (good age-appropriate bras, camisole tanks with the shelf bra thing in them, etc) and she won't have a lot of reason for not wearing them. Plus, as her breasts grow she will become more aware herself that it's uncomfortable not to wear a bra.
What is it with not wearing
What is it with not wearing underwear? I didnt know that young teens did this. It seems unsanitary but especially during your period. Not to get technical here but is she just sticking her pad to her pants? EWW. And if she wears skirts with no underwear-then where does the pad go? Just gross.
Now that she has her period
Now that she has her period and it's not 100% regular yet, I think she has been a lot better about wearing underwear. She's had an "accident" or two and now realizes that it could strike at any moment. Last time her mom had taken a "sick" day the prior day to go f*** off with some friends so she "couldn't get away" from work and I drove an hour to bring her some clean undies, pants, and pads. Ahhhhh the joys of (step)motherhood.
EXACTLY what I told her. I
EXACTLY what I told her. I told her that they are a great solution BUT require a lot of responsibility and if she's not ready for that then she needs to hold off until she is. My DH was the only one around when her sister (not his child) used a tampon for the first time and got it STUCK and had to take her to the hospital. He's a hunter/biker/redneck/man's man and the thought of him that uncomfortable situation makes me laugh, but it had to be humiliating for her!!!
Her mom doesn't "remind" her to shower daily and we always make a HUGE ordeal about it (and the dandruff/greasy hair). She now has gym every day and comes to our house looking like she hasn't bathed for DAYS. You would think that she would be ready to be clean, but no.
I've actually started taking showers at nights to set a good example....and maybe possibly it's nice to sleep in a few extra minutes in the morning!
Thanks for the celebrity role model advice. I'll try to plug the "good ones" as much as possible but really she doesn't act like a typical pre-teen when it comes to TV and Music. Her mom bought her KE$HA'S CD and I about lost my SHIT. She is DIIIIRTY and her mom doesn't see what's wrong with it.
I forgot to mention this
I forgot to mention this book. "The Care and Keeping of You" from the American Girl Library. A friend suggested it years ago and it's a WONDERFUL book. It covers it all. I went through the book before I gave it to the girls and then, when I gave it to them, I took them aside by themselves and had them thumb through it. I explained some of the things they would see (from eating well, good hygiene, getting boobs and periods, to getting good sleep). (It's all drawings...no actual pictures) I then told them they are welcome to take the book and read through it and if they had any questions...to come talk to me, or BM, or aunt or grandma...anyone they felt comfortable talking to. I had gotten that book a few years before the whole period thing set in, so they've had it for a while. I just noticed the book has made a come back in my daughter's room...so she must have been reading up on something!!