CS$$$ and unappreciative BM's - anyone else have these issues???
OK, so this one can be filed away in the "greedy BM with no conscience and no appreciation" folder.
Recently, my BF has spent large sums of money on skids in a very short period of time, in addition to what he normally spends on them (and in addition to the massive CS $$ he pays his exW) - I will list some examples:
1. SS26 just got married and my BF paid for the entire wedding rehearsal dinner (with the prior understanding from his exW/BM that they would each pay 1/2 the cost) - cost: about $1,000.00, of which BF has not received BM's 1/2 from her yet.
(Note: SS26 is exW's biological son from ANOTHER man that my BF legally adopted when he married exW/BM and raised him emotionally and financially as his own flesh and blood since SS was about 2 years old).
2. My BF also paid for 1/2 the cost of SS26's honeymoon cruise, BM was supposed to pay the other 1/2 (which we have absolutely NO idea if she ever did) - cost: about $1,300.00
3. BF also took SS26 on a "bachelor weekend" to Las Vegas (because he felt bad that all of his friends were kinda losers and didn't throw him a bachelor party) with a few of his uncles (BF's brothers)- paid for his round-trip flight, hotel, spending $$, etc. - cost: about $1,000.00
4. BF agreed to pay for SSstb13's tux rental, shoes, miscellaneous expenses for SS26's wedding (SSstb13 was in the wedding party) - cost: about $500.00
5. BF & I took skids (SDstb16 & SSstb13) on a 10-day vacation with us, including a 5 day cruise - cost: about $2,000.00 (not including extras or money we gave skids to buy gifts/souveniers - including for their mother!!)
My BF also pays his exW about $1,600.00/mo. in CS for 2 skids - NEVER ONCE BEING LATE ON OR MISSING A PAYMENT EVER!! Mind you, we also have true 50/50 joint legal & physical custody. Skids live with us 3 days/week, then 4 days/week the following week. My BF pays the same amt. of CS$$ to his exW as if he was an EOWE father, or less, but he isn't.
So, to make a very long story as short as possible, BM calls my BF yesterday (actually, she has SSstb13 call him from his cell phone and then SS hands the phone to BM) and BM nastily says to him "You have to pay for skids shoes for back to school". My BF says to her "first of all, that's what CS is for. second of all, I just brought our kids on vacation and spent over $2,000.00 - I don't have any extra money.". He didn't bring up all of the other thousands of $$ he just spent on her bioson's wedding (because my BF is always the bigger person and doesn't like to fight with her).
Now I/we have absolutely NO PROBLEM whatsoever with buying skids shoes, undies, socks, school bag, things they need for back to school (and we have done so in the past). BUT IT'S THE GODDAMN PRINCIPLE OF IT!!! Let's see, she receives full CS$$ even though skids don't live with her 50% of the time, she only works part-time (when she feels like it), she didn't have the kids for 1/2 of this month already (due to us taking them on vacation)...HER FIRST PHONE CALL IS ABOUT GODDAMN SHOES for skids!!!!
My feeling about this is that the dialogue SHOULD have been: (WARNING: this is my "dream" version of how co-parenting should be...I know it isn't realistic. But a girl can dream, can't she?? lol):
BM: "Hi [BF's name]. Just called to say thanks for bringing the kids on vacation - they told me they had SUCH a great time!! Oh, and the gifts you let them buy for me with your $$$ (skids don't have their own and SDstb16 doesn't work yet), you shouldn't have done that, that was very thoughtful of you - thank you"
BF: "No problem, you're welcome. I'm glad they had a good time - I hope they appreciated it. With this economy, ANYONE is lucky to go on a family vacation - nevermind for 10 days and on a cruise for 5 days."
BM: "Oh, and since you've had the kids this entire month already practically, you don't have to pay me this week's $750 biweekly CS$$ payment. It's not necessary and duplicative since you've had the kids 100% of the time and I haven't needed to spend anything on them."
BF: "That's OK, but thanks for offering. Just put that $$ towards the skids school shopping needs."
Like I said, a girl can dream. Yet another example of petty, unappreciative, entitled BM's that use their kids as nothing more than a paycheck. Can you say GO TO WORK FULL-TIME AND GET A LIFE?!?!?!
Milomom's countdown: 2 more years for SDstb16 (unless she goes to college full-time) and 5 more years for SSstb13 - and then we are CHILD SUPPORT FREE and will FINALLY have BM OFF OUR PAYROLL!!!!
P.S. An interesting note here, BM has NEVER, EVER taken the skids away on a vacation EVER since she & my BF legally separated almost 7 years ago (or since their divorce was finalized over 4 years ago)!! We don't expect her to spend her $$ on vacations if she can't afford to, just LEAVE US ALONE and stop LEECHING and riding BF's coattails, for heaven's sake!! Instead of spending all of her money on tattoos (for herself), etc....
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Ha! Like that will ever
Ha! Like that will ever happen! Our bm also tries to dictate what we need to buy ss above the child support. And sometimes, my dh, will forget who he is talking to when he is chatting with her and say things that she interprets as promises. At one point, my dh said something about he would like to get ss a computer and that it would be nice for him to have a cell phone to keep in better contact with him. Well, about 2 weeks later she is demanding to know where the cell phone and computer are. Um, dh was thinking out loud never said I am definitely going to buy these things and within 2 weeks. WTF? My dh got a settlement from Social Security and bm actually got a big chunk of it for backpay as a payee for ss-she actually gave dh about 1/3rd of it back to spend on ss's needs because she was pretty blatant that she wasnt spending any of her chunk on ss. Well, now she feels we are responsible for anything he ever needs. We have taken him on a beach vacation, bought him a season pass to an amusement park, bought him multiple outfits/clothes, taken him out to eat, bought new carpet in his and ds's bedroom (which was rank because ss sleeps on a futon-pees on it every night and the urine soaks thru it and drips on the carpet) so we feel like we've done plenty and we are not done purchasing extras to make life better for him, but I HATE her telling dh what he needs to buy and when. He cant really buy ss a computer because my ds saved up 300.00 of his own money and then dh helped him a little with the rest. He has told ss that when he is able to save 300.00 he will also help him. He has 150.00 saved already. He does not want to buy ss a phone because we bought him one before and he NEVER called us on it-wouldnt return our calls. BM used it probably 75 per cent of the time. When she demanded dh buy the phone, he said he didnt really want to put ss on our plan because of that and she told us we just needed to get unlimited minutes. Again, WTF? I dont understand why she feels like she can tell us how to handle our cell phone plan. She said if we got unlimited minutes it wouldnt matter how much she and the rest of her family used ss's phone. UGH!
hismineandours, I know, I
hismineandours, I know, I know. That's why I said "a girl can dream" in my post - lol.
Your BM has some kind of "selective hearing" and I'm sure even if your DH is crystal clear about what he's going to buy/not buy for the skids, she would still just make things up. Yep, and the old "give her an inch, she'll take a mile" applies to your BM, too, I see. You learn over the years that you literally CANNOT spend $$ above and beyond what you MUST pay in CS$$, because then the unappreciative BM will come to EXPECT THAT YOU WILL CONTINUE TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING for the skids.
Sometimes I get so annoyed because the skids don't actually SEE the massive CS$ being deposited into her bank account every 2 weeks. They just see BM spending "her" money on them and think that my BF doesn't spend anything on them. I also know that our BM undoubtedly has been telling them this as well (the old "ask your Dad for $$ to buy that, I don't have any more money" trick) -that their Dad is a bad/deadbeat Dad because SHE'S the one always buying their school clothes, etc... with "her" money.
It's just all sooooo annoying.
"Sometimes I get so annoyed
"Sometimes I get so annoyed because the skids don't actually SEE the massive CS$ being deposited into her bank account every 2 weeks. They just see BM spending "her" money on them and think that my BF doesn't spend anything on them."
EXACTLY what frustrates us!! Bm doesn't work yet according to ss12 SHE bought his school clothes already and SHE gave him spending money while he was with us. Um, ok. I want to tell him, "where do you think she gets this money if she isn't working?"
Snarky01, thanks. Wow, you
Snarky01, thanks. Wow, you have a similar situation...but multiplied by FIVE kids!! Holy cow, I suddenly feel like my situation isn't half as bad (literally) since we deal with "only 2 skids".
I don't know the ages of your skids, but I hope they're close to "aging out" of CS$$ to your BM.
How is it LEGAL (nevermind fair) that these BM's are not held RESPONSIBLE AND ACCOUNTABLE for the children they bring into this world ALSO?? How is it that they are legally allowed to not work full-time and collect massive CS$$ from the man that fathered their children? Just makes no sense to me whatsoever...sigh.
BOTH PARENTS are supposed to be financially responsible to support the child(ren) - one parent should not be legally allowed to "ride the coattails" of the other after a divorce/breakup. Grrr......
Snarky01, OMG, I feel for you
Snarky01, OMG, I feel for you and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this for 14 more years. That's a looooong gravy train ride your BM gets to take before she has to finally get off.
Yes, our state already has a similar child support model - VERY, very pro-BM. Even though my BF has true 50/50 joint physical & legal custody of skids, even though they live with us 50% of the time (Week 1: Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday & Sunday, Week 2: Wednesday, Thursday & Friday), BF still has to pay massive CS$$ to BM - because in this state, the "breadwinner" parent is deemed the "noncustodial parent" for purposes of computing CS.
Also, BF has to have skids on HIS health insurance AND pay 90% of all of their "unreimbursed medical expenses" (i.e. about $2,000.00 for SD's orthodontics that weren't covered by HIS health/dental plan).
All because BM REFUSED TO WORK FULL-TIME during their marriage (and the skids were in school full-time when they legally separated - no "daycare" or anything needed in order for her to work a full-time job), therefore she "claimed" that she didn't make any money (court had to "impute" income to her of about $10,000/yr. because she was working off-the-books waitressing & bartending during their divorce & we "caught" her doing so), so we had the lawyer threaten to serve one restaurant with a subpoena - instead, they wrote a letter stating that she made approximately $200/week (bullsh*t - she made a lot more cash than that when she DID choose to work, and it was tax-free no less)!!
Then BM wasted 2 years trying to get through a local 2 yr. community college (she failed out after 1 semester) and tried a vocational school (again, only because she was asking the court to award her additional "educational maintenance" $$$ from my BF during their divorce - more money, more money). I think she eventually did get some kind of bubble-gum machine certificate (nurse assistant or something), who knows. It doesn't matter because from what I've heard from skids, she doesn't like to go to work and doesn't plan on working full-time anytime in the near future.
Wake up late. Sit back. Kick feet up. Watch TV. Eat bon-bons. Go to sleep. Repeat. lol!!!
Ouch, wow....I can imagine
Ouch, wow....I can imagine the anger, horrible! I must say I do know a lot of entitled ex-wives that do this. Honestly it's despicable.
I always feel bad as a bio-mom that receives csupport...even if my scenario has been on the 'getting screwed' end.
I have two sons, I receive $500 a month, that's it. I've not applied for modification either. Out of the 7yrs apart, I've probably received a little more then half that time in csupport-the other he stil owes but I dont' go through the state so ...it's money neither the kids or I ever got to see or will see. I carry the insurance, pay the premiums and though he's responsible for half the deductibles, co-pays, prescriptions-he never has. He also never has taken the time he's given-four weeks in summer, holidays, school breaks, etc.
All in all on ocassion he will in addition to paying the support go and by them shoes, or a shirt, or go to the movies, what have you. In a sense he's starting to improve and want to do this on his own-not because i've ever asked him to, but it was his choice.
But yeah, a good friend of mine was paying half of his salary for years in alimony -his exwife refused to work ever-and csupport...then when they divoced the mom promptly remarried someone, he was unemployed too and she got preggos...so in essence my friend was paying to support his kids, the ex-wife, the new husband and the new baby...absolutely a pathetic, disgusting move on part of csupport laws. Sounds like your h is MORE then generous w/his kids.
Have him stand his ground-the woman sounds like a completely entitled user honestly.
overit2, thanks. I wish you
overit2, thanks. I wish you were our BM.
Sometimes I wish I could sit down and talk with BM about this whole CS$$$ racket - how unfair it is and how she can choose to agree not to collect the CS$ (or at least not that much) - as I guarantee the relationship all around with everyone would be a much more comfortable, happy one without the need for CS payments exchanged.
However, I never would. BM is spiteful, vindictive and selfish. If she knew that the CS$$ issue bothered us (me), even for 1 minute, she would KEEP IT GOING intentionally. She'd probably even go so far as to take my BF back to court for an INCREASE if she knew she had ANY possibility of winning. It could be ANY subject that we want to discuss with her - not just CS.
Imagine that - our BM actually declining the CS$$ knowing full well that it isn't necessary in our 50/50 situation. It would NEVER happen - she lives off the CS$$ and without it, she'd ACTUALLY HAVE TO WORK EVERYDAY!!! Like the rest of us....
I kind of get what you're
I kind of get what you're saying-but maybe those "amounts" are based on your individual situation, city and cost of living.
No way it costs me only $105 a month to feed the kids..and I 90 of the time cook. Not if you try to eat healthy. I could probably spend that in a week to feed them. No, I'm not about to feed them junk, canned and hormone/preservative ridden food so they can have obesity problems, juvenile diabetes and a host of illnesses later in life. Costs a lot more...I mean I don't know how on earth one can only spend $100 a month to feed two boys 9 and 11 unless I'm feeding them ramen noddles and chef boyardee ...which they have no knowledge of. But hey.
Mortgage/rent-depending on where you live, it's a lot more then that. In my case it's around what you mention, not quite.
Utilities? Are sky high in some places...and that's not blasting the ac and heat, and watching the water. keeping them very moderate and being watchful. Probably utilities run about $400 or more range. Believe me my bills would be GREATLY reduced if I didn't have the kids with me most of the time. probably be almost 3/4 less.
Clothes, asp program, summer camp, bday gifts for other kids bday parties that the custodial parents 9 times out of ten takes the kids to, misc expenses (outings, allowance, toys, haircuts, special treats for job well done at school, gifts for teachers at school, etc).
Believe me, I know some amounts like the OP mentioned, are ridiculous-then again if the parent makes a vey decent living and the kids are accustomed to a different lifestyle it's fair to maintain that. BUT, especially if a parent is sharing almost 50/50 custoday? That's insane. Really, to me personally because of cost of living, the boys needing more sports activities now (to keep them healthy, out of trouble and spending energy) the amount I get does not cover it. Which is why I can only afford one sport a year (three months out of the year). Forget about saving for their college one day.
Crayon, once again I agree
Crayon, once again I agree with you 100%.
Especially in our pro-BM state, the legalized embezzlement (a/k/a child support laws) never gets corrected/stopped.
Absolutely with the CP BM becoming entitled (if she wasn't that way already). Our BM's mantra seems to be "..but that's what I'm ENTITLED to!!!!" (with her whiney, annoying voice).
GET.A.FULL.TIME.JOB.!! SUPPORT YOUR CHILDREN THAT YOU MADE!! STOP LEECHING OFF EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING AROUND YOU!!!
Honestly, I have no idea whatsoever how women like this sleep at night - or how they can look themselves in the mirror every day. No conscience. Kids = money = income without having to earn it. They certainly can't have any respect for themselves, that's for sure. They haven't worked for or earned ANYTHING they have (at least in our BM's case, that's true).
Send her a bill !
:jawdrop: Send her a bill ! }:)
Trust me, if our state wasn't
Trust me, if our state wasn't so pro-BM that we'd be risking a CS$$ increase by doing so, we would!
Welcome to the entitlement me
Welcome to the entitlement me me generation-that seems to especially affect women it seems. Horrid.
I agree that I don't know how they sleep at night also. Nobody is entitled, owed a damn thing. I've worked full time since the age of 21, taking some months maternity leave, and been back full time, trying to climb the ladder at the company slowly. Takes much longer it seems because beign a single parent you need to go for positions that allow flexibility and you're definately promoted less then the childless or guys-just a fact. But I've certainly kept my ass to the daily grind of it and moved forward!
My exh on the other hand quits jobs left and right whenever he gets tired of it, works under the table, gets fired, etc. And HE is the one w/the "the world owes me I'm entitled attitude", always has been. And a nagger and drama queen/king too....I swear he's the ex-wife LOL
overit2, I admire you and
overit2, I admire you and your strong personal work ethic. Also, I agree that it is probably very difficult for a single parent to move up the company ladder (assuming this parent is truly single & the other parent is not in the picture at all - financially or physically). You seem to have been committed to your own personal growth/success. I've always been the same way - I've earned everything I've ever owned in my life - and I've been working since I can remember (babysitting and delivering newspapers as an early teen, picking strawberries & string beans at a farmstand, fast food jobs during my mid to late teens, etc...). I paid my own way through 4 years of college & 3 years of law school, bought and paid for my own new cars (2 - each about 10 years apart, lol) and own my own house. My parents had 8 kids and just couldn't afford to buy us clothes, cars, dinners at restaurants, pay for college, etc. I grew up learning how to earn $$ for what I wanted/needed in life. Best way to raise your kids, IMHO!!!
Your exH seems to be just like our BM. I swear, sometimes I wish I could set our BM up with a male counterpart of her (entitled, nasty, lazy, drama queen/king, etc...) just so she could see how truly pathetic and ridiculous she is for herself - and also so that SHE has to actually DEAL with someone who acts like she does!! Sometimes it's draining, it really is.
Thanks Milo...I agree it's
Thanks Milo...I agree it's the best way to raise our kids also. I try to instill that in them as well. Shoot I broke up a friendship w/a co-worker I had because she purposely (no kids) sought out guys that were vp's, or lawyers, or dr's or whomever, she has no qualms saying she wants to be spoiled, supported, and the guy to pay for everything.
Yet...she also is a hard worker-and has climbed the corporate ladder...quicker to do when you're very good looking, have DD's and kiss butt always w/the Director and above crowd
(totally not my thing-gross). But her entitlement mentality-enfuriates me, how many years did we women struggle for equality, yet even though she does ok financially she believes she deserves a guy that makes TONS more then her-more advanced in her career then her, more social status, and should support her and spoil her....I mean wtf? Really I just lost interest in even speaking to her.
Oh yeah....I know what you mean. A good guy friend of mine who divorced his wife about the same time...we said the same thing because his exw and my exh were SO similar. And believe me she bled him dry w/alimony and csupport that supporter her non working butt, her new husbands non working butt, and their new child on the way. It was sick. We would say they should pair up, lazy, entitled, selfish, etc. But believe me, they are smart they would never pair up with someone like them...they need nice people to go after to get their supply. Stupid they are not. Survivors, or as we say in spanish "vividores".
Same w/my bf and his exw...she went for a very good man, great heart, and sucked his life right out-and knew she could because he was good man. It's taking him a long time to recover from that, from trust issues, why is it you have these scumbags always hooking up w/good people...makes you ill. I know for a fact I was the "good girl" in the relationship...and got f*cked over by an abusive, older man. So, here him and I are now-with our trust issues we work through, and the cautiosness and fears ...slowly inching our way fwd in the relationship because of how our exe's messed us up. BUT...now we have TWO good people together...and it's been so wonderful to have that.
Hey Snarky01. Come on in and
Hey Snarky01. Come on in and join the club!! lol
Same here - I told my BF that I'd love to get married, but why bother while he has to pay CS to BM?!?! So she can run to the courthouse the day after our wedding and file a petition for an upward modification of CS? Trust me, when it comes to MY income, MY money and MY assets, hell will freeze over before that woman becomes "entitled" to a piece of any of MY HARD EARNED MONEY.
We've dated 6.5 years, what's another few years until the skids age out of CS & then we will have BM off our payroll and are free to do whatever we please WITH OUR OWN DAMN HARD-EARNED MONEY!!!!
BM's usual day: wake up late, watch TV, put feet up, eat bon bons, gain another 50 lbs., watch more TV, complain on the phone (all day long to whomever will listen to her) how she's such a "victim" and how she has no money, blah, blah, blah, go on the computer (all day long) on myspace, facebook, role-play on vampire websites with her 10 different screen names, get another tattoo or piercing, stay up all night role-playing on the computer, go to bed, wake up late....lather, rinse, repeat.
You get the idea. She honestly makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. It's women like her that "undo" all the hard work that we women have done to come all this way, to shatter the glass ceilings above us - to be seen as independent, competent, intelligent human beings.