16 yr. old girl & 13 yr. old boy sharing a bedroom? Really? I think this is kinda gross (Poll)
I am really getting to the point of disgust on this, so I am hoping to get your opinions/advice.
My BF & I have been together for 6.5 years, living together for 2.5 years. He has 2 kids (SD16 & SSstb13) and we share 50/50 custody with his exW/BM. Skids live with us 4 days/wk, then 3 days/wk alternating weeks - at our home, they each have their own bedrooms now and always have in the past. Despite the 50/50 custody, my BF still must pay BM massive CS$$ (approx. $1,600/mo. for 2 kids) because he made more $$ than BM when they divorced (back in 2006)- good old wonderful State of New York. BM, to this day, continues to underemploy herself, working only part-time as an LPN. My BF has always been the "breadwinner" of the 2.
My problem is that BM is living in my BF's 2 bedroom rental house that my BF pays the rent for as part of his CS obligation (yes, BM is not only BM but is also BF's TENANT....ahhhh!!). My BF still has to pay BM $350 bi-weekly on top of the rent he pays on her behalf. The problem with the living arrangements, IMO, is that SD16 & SSstb13 still share a bedroom together!!! BM uses the master bedroom herself. When they were younger (SD9 & SS6), this "wasn't a big deal" to my BF. Although I never was wild about the idea to begin with, I always thought it was bullshyte. BM's way of getting out of paying for a REAL HOME for skids. Now fast forward 6 years later and BM still has them sharing a bedroom!!!
Heaven forbid BM actually go out in the big, bad world, work full-time and move into her OWN GODDAMN APARTMENT that has enough bedrooms for everyone and spend the massive CS$$$ on skids instead of herself.
Ok, I know I just needed to vent about this (because her mishandling the CS$$$ is another thing that pisses me off about her - the skids NEVER see that $$$), but does anyone else out there think that it's bordering child abuse that a 16-yr. old girl and a 13-yr. old boy share a bedroom????
I've had brief talks with my BF about this (I've let him know how I feel), but he just says "I'll mention it to the kids and see how they feel about it." Hello?? Of course they'll think nothing of it because 
it's "normal" to them since they've been living like this at her house for 6 years; and (b) Mommy is the "victim" and they probably think "she doesn't have enough money" to provide them with a more appropriate home, etc....
I tried to look up the law in NY to see if this is illegal, but so far I can only find that it is illegal under circumstances such as a foster home. If there's something wrong about this in a FOSTER home, then why isn't it wrong in a BIO home???
Any thoughts on this?
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Comments
It is not right at all. yuk
It is not right at all. yuk
Ewwwwwwwwwww! That's all I've
Ewwwwwwwwwww! That's all I've got to say. I can't believe the girl isn't crying holy bloody hell about it. I know I would!!
That's exactly what I said to
That's exactly what I said to my BF. I said that when I was little, I didn't even like sharing my bedroom with my SISTER that was 1 yr older than me (I had no choice my parents had 8 kids in a 4 bedroom house). So I know what it's like to try to "conserve" $$ in order to raise a family - I'm not being a "Miss Prude" about this, I swear!! I just think it's REALLY gross and I also think it's REALLY selfish of BM (at the least) and borderline child abuse/neglect (at the worst).
Please, someone out there tell me I'm not crazy!!!!
hmmm... in my house skids
hmmm... in my house skids share a room (sd13.5 & ss 11.5). we have them eowe, ew & eot... and i am/will not clear out another room for them to use... NOT gonna do it... they have a very large bunkbed and do all of their private stuff in the bathroom.
at home with bm, she has a 2 bedroom trailer provided free of charge by her parents... and from what i have heard, sd has a room that is filled to the top with clutter including the top of the bed. and bm has a room. but they all sleep in the living room, bm on one couch, sd on the other and ss on a little mattress thrown in the floor (so they can set it outstide to air the piss out, i guess).
now, if it were "our" kids and we had them 24/7 then they would definitely each have their own bedroom.... but, not my kids, not my problem.. even though i agree sd16 & ss13 sharing a room sucks.
I think it's kind of weird
I think it's kind of weird that the kids aren't complaining about it. When I was younger and my mom divorced, we had to move into a 2 bedroom duplex and my mother and I shared a room and my brother had one to himself. I think I was 17 at the time and didn't mind sharing a room with mom, but I REFUSED to share one with my brother (he would have been 15). Granted, I know you said that they were used to it cause it seems "normal" by now, but I would think a 16 yr old would want more privacy. I think it's really selfish on the mom's part that she would make her kids do that while she took the master bedroom. She should be on the couch while the kids have the bedrooms!!!
Jshep, thanks for your reply.
Jshep, thanks for your reply. I especially appreciate it because you are coming from a "skid perspective".
I think the ONLY reason SD16 won't complain about the living arrangements at BM's house (at least not to us, anyway), is because both she & SSstb13 have been drinking the BM PAS-koolaid for SO long, that she either doesn't see anything wrong with it, OR just feels that she HAS to live that way because "BM doesn't get enough $$$" from her Dad. SD16 is a VERY laid-back kid, but especially when it has anything to do with her "Mommy of the Year", who is a total leech and loser, she just deals with it...
I agree with you 100%. If she's such a great Mommy, why isn't she selflessly giving each of her children each of the bedrooms?? Or even sharing a room with her OWN DAUGHTER and giving the son the smaller bedroom??
EXACTLY what I was thinking. But no, then BM wouldn't have her "master love den" to bring all of her boyfriends into to "entertain" them if she had to share a bedroom with her daughter. BM has a whole other life when skids aren't around ("Perfect Mommy" v. "Neighborhood bicycle" - everyone gets a ride). She leads a double life & skids have no clue.
Hahahaha! "everyone gets a
Hahahaha! "everyone gets a ride!" That is great. I got extremely lucky in the mom department. My dad was the piece of work (no PAS'ing from mom, dad's actions didn't just speak loud, they SCREAMED!)My mom's last concern was men when she got divorced...she had to figure out how to provide for 2 kids on a secretary's income. She ended up getting a second job and worked 18 hours a day for 2 years just so my brother and I didn't have to quit any extra-curricular activities (since my dad thought he didn't have to pay CS since us kids were "old enough to go get our own jobs"...like I said, real piece of work). Maybe I'm different, but I never had a problem seeing who was the parent that put us first and sacrificed and went without so we didn't have to. I'm sorry that your skids feel like they can't say anything to their "mom of the year". It's so sad that she makes it seem like your husband doesn't provide enough, cause it sounds like he's providing it all! I just hope one day that the kids will realize what was really going on...that mom was being selfish and lazy and holding her hand out waiting for the next check. I tell you, being a step kid at one time really helps being a stepmom now. I now have a new appreciation for my mom and step dad!!
I don't think you are out of
I don't think you are out of line at all...I do not think this is okay, it's gross and even if you don't think it's gross, those kids are at an age where they need some personal space.
We have a SD3 and SD11 and we are moving soon so they can have seperate rooms....it's that the SD11 is preteen and will need some privacy. I know not everyone can provide bedrooms for all skids/biokids, that's life, but a 16yr old girl and 13 yr old boy should not be sharing...the mom should get her ass out of the condo, or offer to share with the daughter. Just saying. Good luck!!
Thank you jlot - I agree.
Thank you jlot - I agree. That's the problem - BM CAN afford to get a larger place, she just CHOOSES not to - so she can stay underemployed (translation: work only when she feels like it) and spend her massive CS$$ on herself (i.e. shopping, huge tattoos, massages, etc...).
She'll NEVER do without just to give her children their personal space. Nah.....
My family fell on hard times
My family fell on hard times when I was in high school and we spent a little over a year in a tiny apartment. There were 4 kids, 1 adult and only 2 bedrooms. My mom slept on the couch while the kids were 2 per room. We were all girls so it made it easier. It was bad enough sharing a room with my pre-teen sister, I can't imagine how hard it would be to share a room with a sibling of the opposite sex.
JustanotherSM, I agree with
JustanotherSM, I agree with you there. In a situation that is a temporary or emergency one, of course you do what you have to do. I'm all for that - everyone sometimes has to "sacrifice" when going through hard times.
But in our BM's situation, it's been over 6 years like this and shows NO signs of improving because she CHOOSES to live this way. She CHOOSES to only work part-time and feels ENTITLED to CS$$ and does NOTHING to support HERSELF!
She receives massive CS$$ (despite 50/50 custody) and CHOOSES to use the $$$ on herself, her wacky lifestyle...instead of using it on SKIDS, like it is supposed to be.
What kind of mother thinks this is OK??????
We had this issue with my
We had this issue with my SK's also. BM was having my 6 yr old SD sleeping in the same room with her boyfriends 15 yr old son! We contacted DHS and were told that (in Iowa) there is no law. We contacted BM and threw a huge fit and she ended up changing the living arrangements, THANK GOD because Im not sure what we would have done otherwise.
CrystalRE, thank you for
CrystalRE, thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. That, in itself, makes me feel so much better about my frustrations with our BM.
Therein lies the problem here, too - I cannot find ANY LAWS that prohibit this when I do computer searches (i.e. Google, etc...), so I don't know what we can do about it LEGALLY. You must have been so frustrated when you contacted DHS & were told there is no law...so I suppose that Iowa is just as ass-backwards as New York is.
Ironically, I imagine that if my BF (or ANY father, for that matter), were to have their opposite-sex children at an older age sharing the same bedroom, that the BM would go BALLISTIC and he would be seen as a DEADBEAT DAD, doesn't care about the kids, horrible Dad, child abuser, etc.... The BM here would probably be flipping out, calling the police, dragging my BF to court, trying to get his RIGHTS as a 50/50 custodial father taken away, etc... It's amazing, the double standard.
The other problem for us is that our BM is a very selfish, narcissistic woman - meaning that if she KNOWS something bothers us, she'll do it 100 times more often just knowing that her actions are bothering us. She thinks nothing of trying to torture my BF, and even turns things around that she's doing these things "for the kids". :sick: :sick:
What ever happened to the "best interest of the child(ren)" standard? How can a 16 year old girl and a 13 year old boy sharing a bedroom, under ANY circumstances, be in THEIR best interest??
There HAS to be a way to threaten her with legal action (temporarily suspend her visitation until she makes other living arrangements) so that she'll make a change. I doubt our BM will do it, like yours did, just because my BF calls her.
What exactly did your DH say to BM to actually get her to change the living arrangements??? Help!!!
Um, Illegal? It might not be
Um, Illegal? It might not be in anything to do with abuse - it would be more with the housing/dwelling and residency laws. I'm not sure about NY, but in PA, I'm pretty sure there is a rule that says once children reach a certain age (10 I think) and are different sexes, they should not be in the same room together on a permanent basis.
I'd advise you and BF to talk to an attorney to check on this because i'm sure they would be more aware of the rules pertaining to this issue.