“trying” vrs. “just being”
So upset and confused right now I want to puke. I’ve been sitting at work seething all day listening to Nine Inch Nails and glaring at my wedding ring (off my hand sitting on the mouse pad… couldn’t stand the feel of it any more). I just don’t know what to do any more… it’s just two steps forward, thirty steps back and I’m getting so very tired.
DH woke me up at 5am with this demanding need to “talk” (aka… the never ending run around) about my attitude lately. (great way to kick off a morning… I now your all pea green with jealousy!) I guess he’s been dealing with a lot of pent up worry lately, worry that I’m not happy in this new city he moved me to, worry that I’m not adjusting to the skids, but most of all he said he was worried he’s (in his words) ruined my life. If he would have just conveyed these worries in those brief, declarative sentences I could have put his fears to rest and finished my nights sleep before work… but no. He had to go down this whole ugly road of dramatic statements like, “you just hate it here and won’t even give it a chance! Your hatred towards this place taints everything we try to do… it’s going to get to a point where you’re looking at the kids thinking, “just hurry up and graduate so I can get the hell out of here!” all I do is make myself sick worrying that I ruined your life. Don’t you see we’re on a collision course for disaster!!!”
*blank stare* I’ve been very honest about the fact that I don’t really like it here, but we’re here now and I really thought I had been “trying” to give it a fair shot lately, and to hear that the man I sacrificed my entire life for basically tell me my attitude sucks and not only am I not even attempting to better my situation but I’m bringing down everyone around me in the process really punched me in the gut. Apparently I’m “wallowing” in my own self pity.
He even had the nerve to keep throwing the possibility of moving back home to PA in my face... real sarcastic, “we’ll just move back to PA and just see the kids sometimes”… I wanted to punch him in the mouth. He basically pinned my missing home against my wanting him to be with his kids full time… how fair is that? I continually tell him I’d move t the moon if it meant being with him (and DID!!!) but he’s constantly throwing “just go home then” crap in my face and it’s really starting to ware my nerves.
He says there is no “trying” to be happy… you either are or your not.
He says it’s like being in love… you either are or your not.
Well what happens if you’re totally in love but totally miserable in your situation..?
In my opinion you weigh your options and follow your heart… I chose a life down here with him, and damn it… I’m effing trying.
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I’ll tell you this much… two
I’ll tell you this much… two drama queens in one house may not be the ideal match either!
Yeah… he’s a bit of a drama
Yeah… he’s a bit of a drama queen sometimes… and he definitely has no control over his mouth when he really gets a bug up his butt… most times I have no idea what we’re even *arguing/talking* about by the end of the blow up… he talks in these crazy circles that leave me stranded on the side of the road side swiped. Try taking that on with a half awake brain…
all you can do is try..... if
all you can do is try..... if he can't appreciate that, then he has the problem... you knowingly made a sacrifice for him and skids ~ b/c you loved him and that should mean the world to him.. of course there is going to be an adjustment period ~
i would want to knock his teeth down his throat, too... good luck moon!
Thank you starfish... all I
Thank you starfish... all I needed was a shoulder...
(No subject)
Moon Child, I hear you, and
Moon Child, I hear you, and have been in a similar situation. It's very hard to reconcile having a great man but living with a shit situation. It's a romantic idea to think that love is enough but it's not enough in my case, because I've been unhappy for a long while now, trying to be "ok" with a situation that doesn't feel right for me and probably is intolerable for any other woman.
I wrote this in someone else's blog, but the whole situation is like living in your dream home which, unfortunately, happens to be situated in the ghetto, with people shooting through your windows, people trying to break in, never feeling safe, etc. Sure, the house is beautiful, but how can you truly enjoy it? Yes, you love the man but his situation makes you miserable.
I guess you have to figure out whether things can change enough for you to be happy or whether you can change/lower your expectations enough to be happy and if not, whether you can accept being unhappy for the sake of love. You've really got three choices: change things, accept how they are, or leave. I chose choice three since I couldn't do choices one and two.
Sorry you're so sad. I moved to be with my then BF also and I am still homesick after almost two years in my new town. I've accepted that decision though...definitely not easy to do.
Can you do something nice for yourself after work? Get out with a friend/coworker? Buy a little treat for yourself? See a movie/DVD alone or something?
Hugs to you Moon Child...
*laughshard* Our house and
*laughshard*
Our house and the street its on are the only two things that I “do” like about this flippin town… I hear you though… and the metaphor fits. Right now I’m trying your #2… trying to accept things as they are and make the most of it. If you had told the idealistic girl I was two years ago that moving me out of flippin Pittsburgh would have hurt me so badly I would have laughed my ass off… I really was kidding myself about ignoring how deep my roots ran…
Thank you for your kindness… *hugs*
)
( I may try martinis with the girls after work… if I can co their responsible arses out on a Wednesday night!
You're more than welcome. You
You're more than welcome. You should definitely go out. Laughing and burning off some steam will help lighten the load. Have one for me!
OF COURSE you are going
OF COURSE you are going through a huge adjustment period. His job is to comfort and help you, not make you feel like crap about having the struggle.
Exactly! I am still not
Exactly! I am still not psyched about being here but I can't move my kids again so I am trying to put roots down here and be happy in this town. I've accepted that I made the decision to move here.
I know you're working but could you volunteer one night or an occasional weekend day? I have started volunteering and have met some really nice people and it makes me feel part of the community, and much happier (still homesick though, but not miserable). I also made a really good gf through volunteering.
I don’t know if it could be
I don’t know if it could be considered volunteering… but we moved into a pretty old community and I try to busy myself with helping out my elderly neighbors. My next door neighbor and his wife are stand-in grandparents to the skids and just about my only touching stones here. I should look into some kind of community service…
Nailed it fabumom… I’d be
Nailed it fabumom… I’d be close to terrified bringing DH and I into a professional counseling session… the guy could write a book on our various dysfunctions. “Wolf and Moon Syndrome” I think they’d call it…
I was in this situation. Quit
I was in this situation. Quit my job. Moved to another country. Just so that he didn't have to be far away from his kids. And I was depressed. And when I am depressed I express it - I sulk, I hide in my room, I talk about all the people and things I miss, and I talk about all the things I hate about here.
It used to get to DH a lot, and made him very sad, he was thinking he ruined my life. He just wanted to come home and see me happy, see the person I was before I moved to this place.
The truth is that it was my choice to move, he did not force me. But many things were different from how I expected them to be, and so the unhappiness came from that difference between expectations and reality, not necessarily anything DH was doing or not doing.
I think you can "try" to be happy, but it really takes action. Forget about the situation and just do something each day that brings that joy into your life. It doesn't have to be anything big, but take 20 mins for it and allow yourself to be happy just in that moment. That 20 mins of happiness can find a way to magically expand.
For me, one major thing was connecting with friends and family. I sent a web cam for my parents, figured out a way for them to call me cheaply and I try to be in touch with at least one family member every single day. It makes me feel like I never left them. Another thing I do is take a walk every evening if I can, just to get some exercise, some sunshine, some fresh air, to see the sunset and enjoy nature because all those things make ME happy.
The bonus is that I've found that when I'm mostly happy, rather than mostly sad, DH is much better at listening to me complain and vent about my situation when those sulky moods appear.
You've made a really enormous sacrifice for your guy and his kids, you definitely deserve to be happy!!
Thank you… that made me tear
Thank you… that made me tear up a little…
Tell him to take a Xanax and
Tell him to take a Xanax and chill the eff out and help you cope with the situation by being supportive. How much better would you feel if he asked you if you need anything from him from time to time, or even asking if there is anything he can do to brighten your day... not judging your every facial expression and word you say. Does he also keep a log of when you pee, and what color it is to indicate your mood?
All kidding aside, sometimes men feel the need to 'fix' everything. They work under the assumption that if there is problem, it can be fixed. Everything is a lightswitch, on or off. On or off. On or off. Women most of the time understand that there are emotions that have to be worked through with time and support. It's not about fixing, it's about working through it. If that takes a day, a week or a year, whatever! He needs to step up and make you feel SUPPORTED through your adjustment! What you are feeling is NORMAL, it is NORMAL to miss the things you left behind, especially if you were really happy. It doesn't mean you won't be happy again and it doesn't mean that you are depressing or negative or mean. You are adjusting, plain and simple.
Much luck to you, you will get through this. Sometimes men just need to be told how to help. He is probably feeling very out of control and has no idea how to 'fix' you. He's just looking at it all wrong.
I'm going to call BS on
I'm going to call BS on "there is no “trying” to be happy… you either are or your not... it’s like being in love… you either are or your not."
DH and I are happy because we bust our butts making ourselves happy. Love and happiness are a hell of a lot of work!
Trying to be happy doesn't mean, "Here's the situation, I just have to suck it up and 'be happy' (but I'm miserable inside)" It means working TOGETHER to make things better for everybody. Not big dramatic things - little heartfelt gestures mean more. Love is the same way - I remind myself every day of why I love DH, and then I tell him why and how much I appreciate him. He does the same. That's why our marriage (physically separated by our jobs for half of it) will last.
Sounds like you need a little appreciation for being you and what you do.
I gave up my fab high-paying
I gave up my fab high-paying career job, sold my home that I owned myself as a single woman, left all my friends behind in a big city that I loved to move to marry a small-town guy and move to his small town three hours away so that he didn't have to lose living in the same town that his 5 year old daughter did.
Did I mention that I am a big city girl?? Well, I hated it for years. Twenty years on, still am not crazy about it, but I have made a life for myself and am proud that I did the right thing. SD of course, who now hates my guts, doesn't reflect at all on what I gave up for her, but that's another topic.
I think you are handling things well.... volunteering, making friends, and putting down roots eventually make the new town "Home". I think it is time hubby cut you some slack and allow you some time to adjust, and I don't mean days or weeks - try years. Try simply telling him - "if and when I ever want to move back, you will be the first to know - right now, I am where I truly want to be." And let him know that the next time he wakes you in the morning for serious discussion, you will knock his block off. Grrr.......course, my hubby is just the opposite. Keeps everything inside and rarely discusses his feelings. Talk about extremes one way or the other....sigh
Love is not a question of do or don't, yes or no.....it is a committment to be together and move forward in the same direction. Sounds like that is what you are doing to me. And happiness? Please. Happiness is made out of the little things and the small moments and smart people know that it takes work to be happy. You don't just take a dive into the "happy pool" and come out radiating happiness.
But then again, I always subscribed to Charlie Brown's theory....
Happiness is a warm puppy.
(spoken by a dog lover/owner of Tango (6 month Yorkie) and Cashe (2 yr Shih Tzu)...
I can’t say enough how
I can’t say enough how comforting it is to hear that so many other people are in this “readjustment” situation (SammyJo58… we gave up the exact same life for our hubbies! Your post gave me an enormous amount of comfort in what I’m feeling and hope for the future! Thank you…) and how dear it is to have a man’s perspective as well (Old Dart, PLEASE stick around for a while… all of your advice and insight is so very appreciated!!!).
I feel like printing this whole blog out and putting it in a shoe box under my bed for future soothing… thank you all so much for your words of comfort and thoughts on dealing with all of this. You’ve given this ol’Moon a real boost these last two days… thank you all and again, thank you Admin for giving us this place!
*gianthugs!*