Ghost him, don’t look back and move on with your life. He doesn’t sound like a keeper.

When you say you mixed up the BM's, is it BM2 instead of BM1? (I don't think that matters to the story, but just checking!)

When you say they spent 40 mins on the phone "chit chatting like old friends," are you saying they spent the majority of that time talking about things OTHER than YSD? If so, then YES, that would make me upset.

If most of the time was spent actually talking about things related to YSD and there were just a few minutes of small talk/pleasantries being polite, I see nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't sound like that's what you're saying. In my almost 20 years with my DH, he hasn't spoken with BM for 40 minutes more than a time or two. I bet he hasn't had actual phone conversations with her more than a dozen times in those 20 years, as most communications were via e-mail, and in the later years, by text. And those phone calls, texts and emails all were strictly about issues involving SSs. None of them involved making small talk, catching up or other wise acting like "old friends." Others may disagree, but to me, that's not necessary to have a civil relationship, and even if it's innocent, it feels disrespectful to your relationship to have that kind of lengthy convo with someone you used to be intimate with.

I would ask your DH how would he feel if YOU spent 40 mins on the phone with an old flame, chit chatting and yucking it up like it was old home week?? I bet he wouldn't be ok with that!!

This where I was a year ago- read my blog- save yourself whilst you still can, it won't get any better...

I don't know if any of this will help but here's my situation/experiences:

SO has 2 BM's also. There are 2 daughters with BM1 and she is HIGH CONFLICT - they don't get along at all and she is always trying to cause trouble for him. Thankfully the SDs are older (16 & 18) so she's losing some of her control.

There is 1 son with BM2 and they live across country. He said they didn't always get along, but since I've known him (3 yrs) and we both went to visit them, their relationship is really good now. He talks to his son by video chat and ultimately ends up talking to BM2. Sometimes I hear the conversation, sometimes I go about my business and don't. I trust him 100% so its no big deal to me. Matter of fact, his son, BM2 & husband and her daughter are coming for our wedding this summer.

I am friends with my ex husband - genuine friends. We don't talk as much as we used to - work & life in general has us all busy. He is remarried now and I also get along great with his wife. Sometimes he & I will reach out by text or a call just because we heard something funny from our past, to talk about our adult kids, etc. Neither his wife nor my SO have a problem with it.

If you're secure in your relationship and if you believe he's truly just having a civil discourse with that BM, then it shouldn't bother you. Talking for 40 mins every day would be bothersome but if they have contact sometimes to talk about the daughter - I would be ok with it. Its better than having a high conflict BM. I prefer hearing my SO talk to BM2 rather than argue with BM1.

The best advice I've received about boundary issues with people is: "You can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person."

Blowing up at you over an inappropriate & out-of-the-blue closeness (in the phone call) with an ex is disrespectful. Not prioritizing your need for boundaries is disrespectful. And disrespectful behavior is unhealthy behavior. You won't have peace until something changes. That change can be him modifying his behavior or it can be you leaving.

Two BMs in my life, also, so I hear ya as far as that is concerned!

It sounds like there is more going on than just him talking to BM2 for 40 minutes. You say he is supportive and cold, and can be a Disney Dad and lets boundaries be crossed.

The talking to BM2 like old friends, was just another straw added to the haystack and you have no idea if this is going to be an ongoing thing. Forty minutes chats certainly do NOT need to be an ongoing thing. This call may have been catching him up on his daughter but who knows?

It's scary when the status quo changes. YSD was not in the picture much, now she might be, and so might BM2. Instead of calming your fears and talking to you about what's going to happen (or what could happen if YSD becomes a bigger part of the picture) your husband is chastising you. Not really what you need, right now.

How old is YSD?

I think the issue is DH has denigrated this woman during your entire relationship. Yet now he does a 180 and she is a sun-shiny example of co-parenting.
So what is it? He wants to work with her to parent their child or is this a one off episode of wishful thinking that he CAN work with her?
He has told you for years how much he hates her and all her faults and then he wants to be her male BFF?
Basically he has trained you to despise her as much as he does. Now he wants to change the rules based on one conversation.
I would ask him calmly why has he changed his mind about her when for the past xxx years he has only spoken trash about her.
I would get THAT answer first before anything else.

Walk away and don't look back. Two kids, invasive bm and an unsupportive, attacking husband are too much baggage. He sounds like a jerk that doesn't know what he wants or where to draw the line. He also wont acknowledge that he created this mess. You dont have to deal with it. Solitude provides peace when you dont have security. You will never have peace with this man. You deserve it.

My bride struggled with the inconsistency of interface with the SpermClan for years. My perspective and advice to her was to keep a copy of the CO rolled up and on hand to smack them about the head and shoulders with any time they twitched out of compliance with the CO stipulations or deviated from standards of reasonable behavior. It worked... until it didn't. The transition between working and not working was my wife's consistency in holding them accountable.

She being who she was not one to keep their feet to the fire and would start of back off when they had been compliant for some period of time. Her stance was consistently that they had changed and were no longer the difficult PITA POS toothless morons they were before. She would give them an inch and they would immediately Z out back to their default idiocy.

So, after about 8 years of the back and forth the finally dedicated to smacking the crap out them with the CO for any deviation and our lives got a whole lot less dramatic. For the last 8 years under the CO all we heard from them was either Yes Sir/Yes Ma'am or whining and crying. Either of which was fine for us.

My condolences on your DH's loss of the plot.

Good luck.

I personally am suspicious of him blowing up at you over your feeling threatened or uncomfortable with the length of the phone call. It seems like he became overly defensive which, in my experience, normally happens when somebody knows they were doing something wrong or something that crossed a line at the very least. If the shoe were on the other foot I can't imagine he wouldn't be slightly perturbed by it. Perhaps that is worth pointing out. Somebody who really loves you should be sensitive to the way you feel and either agree not to do something if it bothers you or at least discuss it and explain that your concerns are misplaced but that you have nothing to worry about...or something to that effect.

I am sorry your in a hurtful situation girl. I hope you are able to figure out how to move forward. I agree with your thoughts...what is the point of having a nice life together if you don't feel emotionally fulfilled? I would rather be piss poor and living in a tree house with my SO than to have money, nice cars and a big beautiful home but an empty aching heart. Best of luck to you sweetie!

If this BM was PASing the SD there is a good chance she is High Conflict™. So DH is probably afraid of her and feels he needs to kiss her arse so he can see his SD. He is excited about potentially being able to see SD, and at the same time feels like he has to walk on eggshells to please his ex, so he feels stressed. His reaction is most likely anger that he feels you are kicking him while he is down. Voldemort is playing nice, and that is a huge relief to him. He wants to think the change is real. He's ignoring the unsettled feeling in his stomach. Your reaction feels like a betrayal of his hopes. He doesn't want to hear Reality©.

It is understandable that you to reacted the way you did, because HCBMs are a nightmare, and she most likely intends to rain chaos and drama down upon you. If she's playing "nice", no doubt she wants something. HCBMs never change.

My DH used to be terrified of his Voldemort. She caused a lot of drama in our lives for a short time, and he tried to shut me up because I was the softer target, in his [incorrect] opinion. Fortunately, he was invested enough in our relationship to become more afraid of me. I told him to stand up to her or else. And when he did, he found that very empowering. Now he is completely unafraid of her. But the county we live in is the Shangri-La of men's rights, and almost all the single fathers I know here have custody of their kids, so if you live in a Golden Uterus® county, you may not be able to stuff your Voldemort like we did, but your DH still has rights. Even drug addicts get visitation of their kids, everywhere as far as I know, and money and lawyers are not required to file for visitation rights. DH needs to get a CO and enforce it.

However:

"just another insecurity, you’re always causing issues"

I've said these words before. They are the words of someone who has had enough. I was once in a relationship with a jealous person who tried to isolate me and was constantly causing unnecessary drama in my already stressful life. Are you jealous? I hope not. If you are, give your DH a break and let him go. Relationships with jealous people are unsustainable, and if you are causing him grief he doesn't need, it's time to go.