Step-Father VS Step-Daughter from BM view

I am the BM of 2 beautiful girls. The oldest is 12 & she is the SD to my current husband. She has lived with us for about 9-1\2 years. Her relationship with her SF is horrible. He can be a hard ass, and she can be very disrespectful. I think I may be partial to blame in this. I allowed SF to make and enforce the rules and I was the " 'ol softy". This resulted in SF being painted as "the bad guy". Now things were fine up until just the past year. IDK if its the puberty setting in or the fact that her BIO-Father has just come back into her life full time. Child wants to go live with dad, I have said no, I am firm on this. I think she may be driving her SF up the wall to get him to convince me to let her go. It is almost to the point where he is putting me in the "choose" situation. He has basically told me to decide between him or her. I want both but I don't want all this drama. Neither will budge, I don't know what to do.

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GET COUNSELING! I was 11 or

GET COUNSELING! I was 11 or 12 when my Mom remarried . . . hadn't seen BioDad since I was 6. Loved StepDad but things got rough when they married and we moved in and I hit adolescence. Problem wasn't just with StepDad (who actually had rules, whereas my Mother treated me more like a sister before). Anyway, I was rebellious Not just to SteDad though. BioDad got back in my life (which I now realize was a mistake) when I was 16. Had no rules with him and had new attention.

Your daughter needs counseling to sort through all of this (stepfamily and dad coming back in picture). She's also nearing being a teenager, so it is probably enticing to stay with Dad who will probably let her do a lot of what she wants. But counseling is important for you and husband as well. You need to integrate her counseling with you and your husband. I remember when my Mom and Stedad sent me to psychiatrist/psychologist when I was acting out. Psychiatrist suggested they participate too. My mother told psychiatrist she didn't have time because she had 3 small children to care for. They then removed me from that psychiatrist's care (who they had previously talked up big time in order when convincing me to go). This had a huge effect on me emotionally for years to come.

So, show your daughter you have the time for her to work things out. Putting yourself in the "hot seat" of the psychologist/counselor shows you're not hiding anything and you're there for the good of her. Maybe she'll see it that way.

I wish you luck with this and I feel for all of you, including your husband. I am a stepmom and have frusterations with my SS as well and it's a very difficult position to be in. Keep me updated.