I'm not sure I really fit here with this question. I am a stepmom, but not a biomom. I have found answers that maybe haven't helped me fix things in my situation, but have really helped me understand more about it. BM has custody of skids and we never see them. My question is about grieving (I don't know if that's the word for it) the absence of my skids. When I met DH he had full custody of both of them. BM wasn't in the picture at all. I went from no kids to being a mother figure to a 5 year old and an 8 year old, and being DH was working almost 2 hours out of town every day, I was pretty much their caretaker in the mornings and the evenings. It was a huge difficult adjustment for all of us. SS8 at the time wanted nothing to do with me because I wasn't his mom. SD5 at the time LOVED having another girl in the house. We lived this way for nearly 4 years before BM became a consistent part of their lives again and due to what BM claimed the circumstances to be (long ugly story) skids went to live with her. From that time, visitation with DH became a problem, as he wasn't getting any. We went through long ugly court battles and ended up losing. DH suffered terrible depression. He wasn't eating or sleeping and ended up losing his job because of it. That was about 5 years ago. Of course, it was very sad for me too, to lose them, but I can't imagine my feeling of loss was anything close to his. As time has passed, he has come through a lot of it. He was out of work for nearly a year, but has held work since he went back. We've not been through any counseling together or separate, aside from what few times he went with his kids. That was focused on helping them cope with their issues rather than helping him cope with his. He seems to have no interest, or feel like he needs any help in figuring out how to grieve that loss. If he were truly facing it and dealing with it, I wouldn't be concerned, but he seems to think that shutting it out is getting him through. I, on the other hand, think about it constantly. I'm sad about it daily. I miss them terribly, and I know he does too, but he won't talk about it. He just has the attitude that if they don't need them he doesn't need them. I guess it reaches the point you can't change their minds, but I still think he needs to face his sadness and worry and hurt feelings. He won't call them because when he has they haven't answered and they haven't called him back. If I start talking about missing them he makes a statement or two about it and then changes the subject. I NEED to be able to talk to someone about it, and I would LOVE for that person to be him...my husband, who I should be able to discuss anything with. I guess it's just too hard for him.

One of my sisters suggested I see a counselor to help me figure whatever it is I need to figure out to get this out of me. I feel silly, though...an obsessed stepmother who can't let go of the skids who hate her. It makes me feel like I belong in a padded room. So many stepparents can't stand their skids, and I'm not thrilled with the choices mine have made. I'm angry for their selfishness and thoughtlessness toward DH. Granted, BM has taught them everything they know about it, but I do understand that there comes a time for them to be held accountable for their actions and choices. They are now SS16 and SD13. I also have to consider that they are both at very selfish ages, but understand that at the same time age doesn't excuse actions. I have reached a point I truly feel for BM in that raising 2 children alone is a difficult task, however, it's one she took on by choice. I truly love my skids and feel for what they will have to struggle with for the rest of their lives. I don't know what they feel. I come from a very happy, loving, supportive family. My parents have been married 51 years now and love each other more than ever. I've never experienced what DH's kids have experienced. I feel helpless and lost and I just want to fix it. I know I can't, but I feel like I can't stop trying to. If I could get DH and BM to communicate...if I could get skids to understand how much DH & I love them...if I could get skids to understand the regrets they'll end up having down the road by denying themselves a relationship with their dad...I feel like I see so much more as a person not so involved in what's happened in their family.

I guess my question is, would it be crazy for me to go to a counselor by myself to try to fix my sadness, anger, and frustration? It makes me feel stupid for letting my mind get so screwed up with all of it...over kids that aren't even mine!