Professional Counseling Platitudes
I was just reading lil_teapots blog on her counseling session, I have NO problems with profesional counseling, however if I go I will make darn sure my counselor is a stepparent!!!
I thought of some of the common platitudes thrown out to stepparents-here are some of my favourites:
Whatever age the children maybe there are a few things you need to bear in mind:
Recognize That in the Relationship with Your Step Child You Are the Adult
When You're Parenting, They're All Your Kids
Communitcate with your stepchild/children -How often do you talk one on one with your step child? Do you enjoy your conversations?
Be flexible about your relationship with your step children. This can be a time of turmoil for the children. They are trying to figure out how they can love more than two parents. They may be experiencing intense feelings of confusion, anger or anxiety. Be respectful of their feelings and give them some time to work out their relationship with you.
They did not have a say in any of this. It was YOUR love for each other and decision to cohabitate that forced your families together and now they, the children, are expected to accept the situation and be happy.
These children have had a loss and they have grieved and may be still grieving. They may grieve for the rest of their childhood and possibly, their adult lives. They need time to comprehend their loss, to feel safe in their new circumstances, to be assured of continued love, care and attention from their biological parents and when they have attained all this, they will then need time to accept the 'new family' which they have become a part of.
Finally, we need to remember that stepchildren are children-- adding a prefix and hyphen IS IRRELEVANT. These are children who have been through a dramatic change in their lives. They need to be loved as any child, and parents need to act like adults, and communicate with each other.
I see some merit in some of the advice-however this advise is coming from a dispassionate 3rd party at best -NOT living the life!!!
Any thoughts???-
By the way Zippy16.5 is still under the dental surgeon's knife! Thanks for all the comments-will update in a few hours (once Dh recovers from the shock of Zippy having to deal with real life dental trauma DH could not make go away).
- Endora's blog
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Comments
Endora..
I agree with you. DH and I tried to go to a family counselor a few years ago in order to get Skids some help. She admitted BM was nuts, but then tried to blame a lot on me.
For instance: I would get mad at OSD for taking her things to BM's and not bringing them back. Her bathing suit became one of those things (we live on the coast). Well, when we wanted to go to the beach as a family, we couldn't because SD didn't have her bathing suit. The counselor told me I needed to not get mad at her and for all of us to go to the beach anyway and her have to sit out and miss out on the family fun. Ok, while teaching them consequences is one thing, Why should the rest of us have to endure either a. not going to the beach or b. deal with a whiny ass because she can't participate. I have a better idea - tell BM get get SD a bathing suit for her house! what a novel idea! But it was my fault for getting mad at SD because I wanted to have family time with the kids.
The counselor was an older lady, and I really think she was out of touch with Step-family issues and she might have never dealt with a BPD person before. But we live in a small town, and have limited options for counseling. /sigh one more reason to want to move to a real city.
My counselor isn't a step parent
He had a step dad and a step mom, but even he understands what step parents go through. He understands that with a step family, it's all about cooperation among all the adults involved because that's what his family did... and it worked out just fine.
Unfortunately, in almost all of our cases, BM doesn't want to cooperate... It's all about them them them. It's not about their children... it's about them getting all the money they can from CS and using it for themselves... and that's where we have our issues. It's not OUR fault, especially when we try to make things work on our part.
I like my counselor a lot because even though he was a step child, he can still understand my perspective and help me deal with the issues that I go through as a step mom.
SD13's counselor is a
SD13's counselor is a step-parent now. But I stopped interacting with her because she justified SD's horrible behavior towards me on one too many occasions. Instead of having H go into the office with SD at the end of the session to confront/correct the behavior, she instead mearly told SD she understands why she would treat me this way. Now up to that point, I had been understanding, nice, loving and patient. In return I was being ignored, treated like an unwelcome guest in my own home, called names, critized and had been hit twice by this kid. And this "counselor" told her it was okay that she was doing these thing. :jawdrop:
Better yet....she told H that we both should be more understanding and not punish her for this behavior. I went off the deep end and let this woman have it. I said "Are you f**king kidding me? You think it's okay that a child treats an adult like dogs**t? Well lady, you and I are done here." She had the nerve to say "I'm getting a lot of hostility from you". Really? Really? What clued you in? The yelling at you or my bulging eyes and red face?
I haven't been back to this woman's office. I have completely disengaged from SD13 since then and after H got used to the fact I was done with his kid, life has improved a lot for me.
Though I have seen my fair share of counselors, this one is a total advocate for SD (which is fine) but she also justifies her bad behavior rather than dealing with it. She also is an advocate for BM, who is constantly at odds with my H and undermines his authority in our home by trying to go around his rules for SD.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy
I have 2 guesses about this counselor:
1. She was a stepchild or BM at some point, and that's why she supports that viewpoint, but doesn't want to admit it to you, and
2. She will be blogging here on ST as soon as she can find it!!!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Endora those were great!
That's the same crap I hear all the time.
Then there's *REAlITY*, where "They're not your kids, they're mine and if you leave you can never contact them again!" or the fact that mommy decided sex with the cryptkeeper was better than staying home and taking care of her kids so she split.
Plus this crap about them grieving their loss of their parents is so irritating sometimes. My skids don't give a crap whether their parents are together or not...all they care about is getting *stuff* and having fun.
What irks me most of all, again, is how we need to tread lightly because their feelings are so very delicate. Why aren't the BIOPARENTS read that riot act and made to obey it?! They are the ones who 1)made these kids in the first place and 2)created the "drama" that upset their lives. We are just innocent third parties who happen to fall in love with someone who is divorced w/kids. I think the bioparents should have to go to counseling and be forced to hear the same crap we do where they're blamed, belittled and relegated to the shadows. Everyone seems to forget, although we are new comers to the situation, we didn't CAUSE it...we're just picking up the pieces of someone else's mess. And frankly I think we should be commended and treated way better by H's, bm's and these lousy shrinks.
Maybe one day we could all as a united front stop doing what we do...no tutoring, no washing clothes, no paying bills, nothing...and let the bio parents and their shrinks see exactly what it is we do that they're so ungrateful for.