Stepping on my toes to get to Sd.
My Dh, whether he admits it or not, has some guilt issues when it comes to his daughter. He is no where near as bad as some, but I still get hurt or annoyed by his actions. Here are a few examples:
When Sd is visiting he'll ask me if I want to watch a movie with them. I'll say sure (like I haven't memorized all the words in Monster vs Alien yet) and drop what I'm doing to spend time with my family. When I join them it is usually him with his daughter laying on top of him (totally age appropriate, shes only 3 1/2) on one couch and me sitting by myself or with my cat on the other. It doesn't really feel like family time. Kinda like I'm the outsider. There has been once or twice where we sit together on the couches and it gives me the warm tingly family feeling. Sd loves to put her head on my belly and try to hear the baby! It just makes my heart want to burst with happiness, however this has only happened once and it was because me and Munchkin put in the movie and invited Dh to sit with us.
I'm wondering if there is a way to get more interaction that causes the lovey dovey family feelings? I have talked to Dh about this and although he sees my point it makes him feel like I am making him choose between me and his daughter. I don't like to think of it that way, I think of it as reorganizing our family alittle to include everyone.
Has anyone got some success stories to share?
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I wasn't a big success with
I wasn't a big success with this but here is what helped us out at times. I encouraged 1 on 1 time between SD and DH. It lessened her jealousy towards me a bit and increase DH's appreciation of me. Then when we would do things as a family unit, SD was much more giving and less egocentric. Doesn't hurt to try!
Glynne
Thanks! What kinda of things
Thanks! What kinda of things did you do to encourage one on one time? I have tried to disappear for like an hour or two during the visitation to make sure she gets her Daddy time. (He likes to make her squeal and shriek and that is sooo not my idea of fun, maybe when I have my own I'll get the bio-earplugs he seems to have) The only problem is if I am still in the house, she'll follow me. Which doesn't bug me, but it negates the idea of one on one time with Dad!
Thetis - per my suggestion,
Thetis - per my suggestion, my dh sets aside 1/2 hour every day called "daddy time". It is the same time everyday and Creature gets to choose the activity. During this time, I stay away. He doesn't answer the phone, etc. It is all about Creature. Have him make it a big deal. Take a bath or something during this time.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Everyone at work must think
Everyone at work must think I am INSANE!!! Everytime I read the word Creature I burst out laughing hysterically!!!
****I can do bad all by myself****
"A pessimist complains about
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
Hmmm from what it sounds
Hmmm from what it sounds like shes looking for something from you. Either affection, acceptance, play time, some type of interation
I would take that chance to interact with her. If you really feel that they need their time together you could use this opportunity to run somes errands or just get out of the house for a bit and have some alone time for yourself. 
For me, it was opposite-SD refused to acknowledge that I was pregnant. She would sprawl across Daddy and get really clingy the moment DH would show me the slightest bit of affection. (Even going as far as bringing out pictures of BM to show me) So, I would use this oppotunity to just interact with her. 
~Never interrupt your enemy when she is making a mistake.~
~No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~
lol Well Munchkin does get
lol Well Munchkin does get really jealous whenever Dh shows me affection. I'm trying to get him to break that because I feel it goes over what is polite for a child of her age. She'll pull his face away from me or something when he is talking to me or demand two kisses if I get one. That type of thing. But I really think its going to take the counsellor telling him thats unhealthy and impolite before he takes it seriously.
I make sure to spend some time with Munchkin everyday we have her. We play computer games, that teach colors or words, together and cook somethings together. I think she seeks me out because I treat her more grown up the Dh does. He wants a little baby to tickle and such, where with me and her we talk and do girl things. I think she likes the feeling of being treated her age, as long as it gets her what she wants lol.
Its good that they have
Its good that they have things they can do without you to bond. Munchkin will tell her daddy to STOP if he's singing or trying to play guitar. It annoys her as much as it annoys me!
Is there anything you guys do together? (I know you don't get along with them well but theres usually something we can tolerate doing)
My DH and SD would go on
My DH and SD would go on bike rides together or swimming. Share a Sunday - go to a movie, play Frisbee in the park. DH is great with kids so SD would often invite a friend. They had a great time together and I had some nice private time.
Glynne
Following Torn's idea. I
Following Torn's idea. I also spent 1 on 1 time with SD when she was younger. We did girl things - it helped us bond for awhile and I think it did help with her jealousy issues. Glynne
My FH really wants "family
My FH really wants "family time," but it took him a LONG time to realize that the way "family time" happened, typically, was him and his son's time, with me tagging along. There was, in truth, a lot of conflict between us, when I felt isolated, when they would fall into their ways of being together and interacting that they developed for 10.5 years prior to me. It took FH being willing to see that I hurt, I told him over and over that I wasn't willing to be invisible the 50% of the time that SS is with us, and that it was healthy for SS to see him take interest in me, and be affectionate and caring with me. And I do encourage and make the space for time just between the two of them (they have a LOT of if b/c I work in a different city two nights a week!). And I am also coming to accept/realize that when FH is feeling scared that SS is pulling away, when BM is being a total B----, etc. he becomes more clingy with his son and more protective- which sometimes puts me on the outside.
Things are better-- FH has realized that if he just takes the time to do little small things, to greet me, hug me, to touch my shoulders while we are all watching a movie together, it makes such a difference! I do think that it is nearing a point where developmentally, SS (who is going through puberty and will be 11 in a few months) doesn't need to sit on his dad's lap, straddle his dad, etc. I am all for physical affection (I grew up in a very affectionate household), but I also think that there are ways of physically interacting that are appropriate at different ages.
I think it just takes time and practice to get into new habits and new ways of being together. And having both partners realizing and wanting that forming a family kind of requires this.
We only have SD6 every other
We only have SD6 every other weekend, so usually the whole weekend is spent spending time with her, whether it be watching a movie, going outside to ride bikes, or kick a ball around, or play some video games, or just playing hide and seek, or coloring. DH doesnt neglect me during that time, and SD doesnt really have a problem with him showing me affection either, and I love spending time with them as well and I usually dont schedule other things to do. I will though whenever we have her for longer, so they can have time together, plus I usually work on the weekends, so he has her to himself for 8+ hours!