Apparently, I didn't give BM enough credit in the 'sneaky' department..

DH and I planned to have a birthday party for SD this year - well low and behold the day we book it, BM asked DH 'aren't you going to be uncomfortable with her friends parents there?' - (meaning that its her father and step mother NOT bio-mom... ) - DH told her not at all.. and she has asked 4x since. We assume she was looking for an 'invite' to attend. You know apparently once you push a child out of your uterus, you should have the right to host every birthday party, whether you pay for it or not for that child... grrr...

Well, BM is having her own get together for SD's birthday - taking a bunch of the girls out to the city and spending the day there.

Now - BM's step daughter is up (comes up once a year for a month) that day and wants to come to the birthday party - not a problem. It's SD's day and she can have whatever friends and such she wants there. BM now wants to be there so her step daughter doesnt feel 'uncomfortable'. Oh and now 'SD wants to invite' (eye roll - because these 'cousins' and 'friends' were not mentioned when we made out a guest list 2 weeks ago.. which has now gone from 25 to almost 35 kids) x,y,z cousin from BM's side.. and OH yeah - their parents want to come too so the kids don't feel 'uncomfortable'.

So the long and short of it.. in 1 1/2 weeks, we have now made a birthday party for SD to include BOTH sets of parents, and entire families.. OH YEA.. DH and I are footing the entire bill...

I have invites to make out for her party today, I am putting our name/number for the RSVP ...

I can't help but feel like our entire birthday party for her was 'over-taken' and I don't want to me made to feel uncomfortable around her entire extended family on BM's side, nor do I want us to be a piggy bank with a baby on the way in a few months...

I don't know what to do...

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well i have to ask...why did

well i have to ask...why did you guys cave?

We didn't 'cave' per se. BM

We didn't 'cave' per se. BM said that her step daughter was up (same age as SD6) and SD6 LOVES her.. we know that. We thought the right thing would be to let SD6 invite her step sister. Well once SD6 had confirmation her step sister could come, thats when BM amped up the 'uncomfortable' with DH. We don't want to ruin SD6's birthday or make her upset, that's why we gave in for the step sister.

The cousin's (the two that she is super close with- that KNOW my DH - have NO REASON to have their parents there) - but once BM put it on DH infront of SD6 that they will want their 'mom' their.. and again DH not wanting to upset SD6 - he said no problem.

Those are the 3 that I know of definitely.

Now you tell me, does this mean that her step father, and 1 year old baby sister will be coming as well? Probably. Does this mean that BM's parents will be coming? Probably. Does she think she should have to 'run this past us' - probably not, since they aren't going to 'charge' for adults, only kids. Do we think that BM is going to talk SD6 into inviting BM's friends kids? Probably.

It's a vicious cycle that I can already see spiraling out of control.

yeah...sometimes kids need

yeah...sometimes kids need to be upset. what have you really accomplished here? everythign was done "not to make SD upset" well part of life is dissapointment...

all because you two could not say NO...and both practiced guilty parenting..what is the result..extra cost for you and uncomfortability in the presence of unwanted people.

learning to say NO...a valuable skill.

I agree. If not making a

I agree. If not making a kid uncomfortable is your dh's criteria for planning her life, you and sd are SCREWED. I don't care how upset Creature gets but Wingnut will never come to my home. She will never participate in a party I plan or pay for. She is her mother and she can do whatever she wants during HER custodial time. I am guessing you, dh and dh's family will not be invited to the party BM throws? You're crazy. I would not send any of them invites.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

You are so right. I feel

You are so right. I feel completely helpless in this situation. DH told me after we went out to dinner on Saturday night with FIL and MIL, when we got home he 'mentioned it'. He didn't want to say anything earlier, because he 'forgot' - he apparently OK'd it, without speaking with me first. Now here I am, looking to keep the cost down, and now booking my hair/nail appts to look fabulous in front of all of these people that I have met once (except BM) and that weekend I will be 32 weeks pregnant and probably VERY huge...

oooh bad DH....agreeing to

oooh bad DH....agreeing to all of this without discussing with you. frying pan to the head time!

If my dh agreed to this crap

If my dh agreed to this crap without asking me first, he'd be planning and hosting without me.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

another good point. and an

another good point. and an excellent time for DH to learn consequences.

i would say you are no longer planning it and let him handle it all. the cake, the goodie bags etc..

he will have to do a good job...after all he cannot have SD dissapointed!

I know that you ladies are

I know that you ladies are 100000000% right. DH has ONE day off a week and ONE sunday a month. There is NO way he is going to be able to do this on his own.

Is there anything you guys suggest that we can do to constructively get through this - and believe me, this is not a mistake that he will be making AGAIN..

well does it really matter

well does it really matter how many days off he has? if you were not in the picture what would he do?

you are falling into the trap of treating your husband like a child who cannot do anything for himself.

he made his bed...and he can lie in it. there is nothing he is going to learn from this. you are going to be the one who suffers. you will do all the work...and the enxt time he does something like this, why in the world would he think there was a consequence then either?

Folkmom - your right. This

Folkmom - your right. This is the first birthday for her that I actually stepped up to do something for. We have typically had a BBQ at our house, invited her grandparents from DH's side, his brother and my parents. This is the first time she is having a big birthday party at an amusement park, I think that is where the hype lies. That I made the effort to do something really nice for her, hoping that she will adjust well when her new baby brother gets here shortly after her birthday, but it has seemed to backfire...

I feel for you HOH. I really

I feel for you HOH. I really do. This has the makings for disaster.

Here is my question-

Why can't he just go back and say "I thought about it, and no, it's not a good idea to invite X,X, and X."

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Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.

I agree with TheWife here.

I agree with TheWife here. DH needs to fix this. This is YOUR time, YOUR party. When it's BM's time, HER party. No mixing of the two.

BM is taking over. Put your foot down, stomp it if you have to, but do NOT let this become a BM production with you footing the bill.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

I said to him after he

I said to him after he mentioned that BM would be there, I said that probably means her DH and her BD will also be there, and I am assuming that her parents, and x,y,z will also show up. DH told me 'absolutely not' that they will not be there. Without blatantly telling BM that they are not to be invited (which shouldn't even have to be said.. it's not like we are crashing her birthday party on BM's side...) - they may just 'show up'...

It may be a long and ugly night tonight..

Tonight, DH is out late

Tonight, DH is out late (after SD6 will be in bed) - I think its time for a heart to heart, and explain, that what is done is done. If he already OK'd her step sister and her two cousins. The line is drawn there. He can't go back on his word (only because absolutely I will look like the bad guy because he has already OK'd it.. know what I mean) - but the line is to be drawn in the sand that NO ONE else on her side is to be asked about, invited, or to show up that day. She already has a party planned for her in the city a different day. This party is for our side of the family, she can do whatever she wants with her when she has her.

Do you think this seems like a reasonable outcome for this situation or should I try and kick it up a notch and have him 'uninvite' these people on her side?!