Another f*ckn BDAY party DRAMA??

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Ok... so this is the Birthday history of SD...

1st Birthday, DH and BM were together in another state, they had a party for her.

For the FOLLOWING Bdays DH and BM were NOT together (as a couple) anymore.

2nd Birthday, they had moved to my state(FL), they BOTH took her to Magic Kingdom, DisneyWorld.

3rd Birthday, They BOTH took her to Chuckecheeses.

4th Birthday, The "party" was here (in my current apartment)but I wasn't living here, my husband and I were engaged by this time, the "party" was composed by:

DH
ME
SD
BS
BM
a Friend of BM with her son
one of my cousins

Was it uncomfortable? IT SURE WAS!!!

Well... the 5th Birthday is coming up in 2 weeks...

SD wants to go to chuckechesses, and since is her birthday, DH wants her to do what she wants.

Well, BM wants to go to a PARK and have a party there... (DH and I don't have family here) and BM's parents are coming down here from their state (VA)

Well... I didn't want to have a party all together, especially because last year FIRST of all, we were only engaged, now we are a family... and second of all, a lot of drama has taken place in the past few months, and I just don't feel comfortable with the idea of being all together. But I didn't want to say anything, DH was the one that said that they were going to have different parties (YAY!!!) and since her birthday is a weekday, we were going to celebrate it the weekend before and she (BM) the weekend after... MAKES SENSE, RIGHT???

Well... since the birthday is so close, last night we had this conversation:

Me- So... what is it exactly what we are going to do for SD's birthday? Are we still going to chuckechesses? We need to invite (if any) of her classmates on time...

DH- I don't know, BM has been talking about a park... :O

ME- I thought you had decided to do it separately from her, Am i missing something?

DH- shes playing this "guilt trip" on me now saying "so, im gonna throw SD a party and you are not gonna show up?"

(My blood starts to boil) :O

ME- So what are you gonna do?

DH- I don't know, and I'm not gonna talk about that at this time. :jawdrop:

(this was like at 10:15 PM, I just walked out of the room and went to the living room, EXTREMELY pissed off)

Then he went there talking Sh!t... like he is the one who is pissed off... and I started telling him, when was I supposed to know that she had said that, or that he didn't know if we were all going to the park... the same day? and be like hey, we are all going to the park, didn't ya knowwwwww??????

GRRRRR :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:

I just need some guidance, should I just let him decide whatever he wants like is none of my business, and then whatever he decides go for it?

Here is the problem with doing that, I didn't have a problem on just let him decide, but once he decided he didn't want a party WITH BM (he really dislikes her) THEN she manipulates him to think otherwise, thats what pisses me off, the fact that if we DO go to the park is cuz she manipulated him...

Tell him that I am NOT going to have a party with BM... but then again... I want to be with SD on her birthday...

It is not so hard to have different parties... WE are a family, WE can throw her a party, her MOM's side can do whatever they want... I don't see the big deal of it...

Wouldn't it be uncomfortable? I'd like to take family pictures on her birthday... How are we gonna divide the pictures? is BM and DH gonna take pics with her as a happy family? HELL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

the thought of it just makes me...., :sick:

I think the kid should get used to, at a young age that the parents are not together, but they love her and therefore they want to have separate events...!!!!

at the end of the day, is not a freakin wedding celebration... is a 5th D@mn birthday... :?

.........

I said "another" bday party drama because I have read different posts about bday party drama but is actually my first ..

My thoughts

Take a step back, take a deep breath and go with the flow. If it is possible to tolerate one day or a few hours for SDs sake, then do it. If not, well then don't. I understand your frustration as you are the one raising SD and BM is stepping in trying to dictate how things are going to be. TRUST me if anyone understands I DO as I have been in that situation for 6 years now. I had a realization yesterday that yea I am putting in all of the work and BM swoops in to get all of the reward BUT...I don't do what I do for reward. I had to take a step back and ask what was the real issue. For me it IS bothersome that she can step in and out when she chooses. It IS annoying that the kids, well SS welcomes her with open arms as though she was Mother Theresa when she has done NOTHING. But the sad reality is that SHE is his biological mother and it is only fair that she be allowed to be present for the big things. I never thought that I would be saying this but I have to look at it as if the roles were reversed. If you were the BM and SD was your bio and BM were the SM you would have a totally different perspective. Not saying right or wrong because that argument can never be won as EVERYONE believes that their way is right.

The bigger picture for me is that when SS older and his personality is developed and his maturity and understanding is in tact he will hopefully SEE that I was there!!! Regardless of how uncomfortable things are/were for me I was able to set that aside and be there for him. Despite all of the crazy things BM says and does I was THERE. When he is old enough hopefully he can look back and appreciate that. My presence is THERE for HIM at ALL times and not just celebratory times. It does not matter that he can't appreciate the sacrifices I make, but one day...he too will be a parent. THEN and only then will he totally understand or go the route of BM, but at that moment it is out of my hands. In the meantime I have to continue to be there against all odds. BM is always going to peek in and try to get the spotlight BUT my light shines brighter when I continue to silently do what it is that I do without expecting anything in return. That is how I have to show my love and support. I don't need to stand out with picket signs screaming "I do more." He sees it and in time he will process it accordingly. AND if he should never come to that realization...well I did all that I could do.

Think of a thing of beauty, be it a diamond or a flower or what have you. What about it makes it beautiful? It's presence. A flower makes no sound BUT it has the ability to catch your eye. A diamond makes no sound either BUT when the light hits it just so you take note of its sparkle. Honey sparkle and shine in your own light and let BM worry about hers. Don't stress yourself one way or the other. Maybe you guys can still go to Chuck E Cheese's as a family. Then stop through the party for a little bit to show your faces and spend a little time. That way you get your family time and celebration with SD without BM and she still gets her dad to show up at the party. Even better is if you do not feel like going to the party, let DH go with BS. Honey your SD is too young and trust me it will get worse before it gets better. BM will ALWAYS try to control things. Take the ego out of it and do what is best for SD. Try to picture yourself in her shoes. Her dad not at her party does not register mom and dad don't get along. At that age everything is a personal affront to them. AND if BM says anything negative about DHs absence, it only validates it in SDs mind. Believe it or not that will set the tone for the future of your family and relationship. So, don't look at it as BM getting what she wants. Look at it as doing it for SD. You will have plenty to disagree, fight and scream about in the coming years.

Good Luck!

Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P

Screw BM don't do it

Ya, I would have to say, I am not willing to share any more events with BM. This woman has come to Thanksgiving and Easter at my house. But she has since proven she is not capable of showing me the respect I deserve so she can shove any group birthday parties up her a$$. Won't be happening and FH doesn't have a problem with that, as of now ...
I think I would tell H, if he's insisting on this park thing, that you think SD has her heart set on Chuckycheese. That's what she wanted it would be a shame to disappoint her. BM will be fine on her own at the park, she's a grown worman (I know I misspelled that, but I kind of like it, heh) tell him, she's just manipulating him and he needs to get over any guilt she's trying to throw at him.

Gia11, maybe you could do both?

Go to BMs party in the park, even if you don't stay the whole time. It's presumably a big park, so you can be there without having to "play family". Then do your own thing.

That's what we do. BM is insitent on her and DH and SD being a "family" for these "big events in SD's life". I know :barf:

So we give her that. Last BDay, we went to BMs, sat on her couch and visited with one another and the kids, and left. We didn't even bring a gift and when BM questioned DH he just said her gifts are at home (making her think we just forgot them). Then on her actual birthday, we took her out to dinner and celebrated with our family. It really ticked BM off too, because she didn't know we were doing that and SD had a party without BM (heaven forbid).

Was it uncomfortable being in BM's house? YEP and I tried to talk DH into just him going. I may insist on it next time (arms crossed, foot stamping, 'I don't wanna go and you can't make me!" )

But the truth is it's not about me. It's about keeping peace with BM so she'll just leave us alone. It obviously depends on the BM, ours is creepy, but nearly as bad as some I read about on here. She makes me extremely uncomfortable and is downright rude in some situations. But she was the perfect hostess (because she was the center of attention) so any uncomfortableness in that situation stems from me, not her.

Do you think DH would agree to go to the park without you and then still take her to Chucky Cheese on your weekend?

HELL NO

I would never have BM step a foot in my house or I would never go to hers thats crazy she has her own parties and we have our own! kids like it better who wouldnt like to have 2 parties there is no need for her to guilt trip him they aren't together anymore there is no need to play off the whole happy family.

We did joint bday parties at first

And it was extremely uncomfortable. BM managed to leave the paying to DH but tried to dictate everything else. ONE year she actually brought the cake (one of those decorated cookies). The rest of the time, it was all on us. Chuck E. Cheese, roller skating, laser tag. That was the last one. We paid for everything, BM tried to get in the middle of it, it was just too damn uncomfortable. Then BM moved an hour away, and now we have separate celebrations.

parties

We never did the parties together. They had their family parties and we had ours. Why is that woman telling your H what he is going to do? Does he need help getting his balls out of her pocketbook? Tell him that since the two of you are adults one of you should be capable of making the arrangements for a private party and the few kds that you invite.

OMG

Sparky I just spit out my protein shake. OMG you are hysterical.

Anyways you guys need to cut out the joint b/day parties. I really get tired of seeing divorced couples or parents that have never even been together trying to do this one big happy family thing for the sake of the kids. The kids don't care - most kids would love to have two different parties. It is okay to talk to your ex if it is about the child for a minute or two once in awhile but there is no reason for chit chat, b/day parties, xmas, whatever, everyone needs to move on with there lives. Good luck!

delete

duplicate

friends?

Do you guys invite the friends twice? or what? just wondering...

well my H and her never

well my H and her never really had the same friends but his good friendusually will come to ours and his friends GF will go to hers. His family will come to both ours and hers if we make a party but we hardly make them parties at our house we have no one to invite over my friends and family only come to my BDs parties. We usually just have cake for them thats it.