WE are going LEGAL
If you have read (and remember) my former posts...
My husband never married BM, they had a child and when the child was about 20 months they split up. They never had the need to go legal because they make their own "arragement", pretty unfair too, she used him whenever she wanted to, and she wasn't available for him to use her, they were both working, so SD would stay in daycare the whole entire day, then go to sleep at her mom's house and then the weekends and holidays with DH, everytime she needed to go out she would just drop her daughter at DH's and he was cool with it, as he didn't really have a social life and he loved to spend time with his daughter, as the great father that he is.
Time passed by, we met, we dated, we married, BM couldn't survive here in Florida financially, so had to go back to her their home state (VA) for a "few months" until she recovered financially, she filed for bankrupcy, she lost her car, she owed/owes a lot from rent, she owes my DH over $4,000 (written arrangement) and she was supposed to pay but has never paid a penny of that money. Before getting married he moved from his studio apartment to the 2 bedroom apartment in which we live now, SD was four when we married. After BM had to go to VA, I became the primary caregiver of SD, her mother wasn't around, everything was suns and rainbows, after a couple of months BM came back to live with her boyfriend, in her boyfriend's house.
His house is a 2 bedroom house, but one room is the "computer room" and i believe he has his intruments there, as he plays in a band or whatever. SD does not have her "room" there.
Little by little, BM has integrated herself a lot in SD's life, she has been unemployed for the most part, but has had a part time for a few weeks, that now she doesn't have.
Communication with her is next to impossible, nothing gets accomplished, she wants things her way and only, her logic of things is very well, UNLOGICAL!!!!, she thinks she knows everything about anything, when she does not know sh!t...
We have been having great issues with communication, because she thinks that because she gave birth to SD5 she is entitled to call whenever she wants to say whatever she wants(about BD).
BM and us live pretty close (12 minutes away or so) and we (DH and I) hate this area (Universal Studios area) it is ghetto, I got my car broken into, and then months later stolen and used in an armed robbery at Walgreens, also always a lot of noise, and young people racing cars and whatnot. The point is, it is not the ideal area to raise a child.
And also, since my son (18 months old) and SD5 have been sharing a room, is about time for them to have separate rooms, so we have decided to move to a house in another area, not Orlando, is about 35 minutes away from where we live right now. The house is a 3 bedroom one, huge backyard and awesome kitchen! the area, is great, no crime at all, the school statistics for tests and whatnot are above average, whereas the schools around here suck!
So, DH and I have come to the conclusion that if we do get that house we are going to have to go legal, because that distance is going to bring many issues, and if we can't arrange simple things living in the same area, then things are going to turn blue and yellow living in another area!
My question is, I know you guys are not lawyers and law changes by state but what do you think the legal arrangement would turn out like in our situation?
A) The mother cannot keep a job, (has been known to have like 7 jobs in a year)
What I say is that, if she didn't have DH she would be screwed up, but if DH didn't have her financially things would not change at all. Come on, her boyfriend supports her financially, if they break up she would have to go back to VA because she has no way to survive down here, and no family etc...
B)My husband has had a career and stable job for four years (teaching middle school) therefore he is financially stable, and I am a stay at home mom that only goes to school some nights, therefore I am available to take care of SD.
C)She LOVES her brother (its her step brother, but they have been together since he was a few months old, and my husband has been is father figure since he was about 4 months old)
D)We will be able to provide a "family home environment", and also a room just for her. Whereas she sleeps on a couch at her mom's boyfriend's house.
E)She acknowledges this as her "family", she loves her mother to death but has never drawn or mentioned her as "family"
F) I have been the primary caregiver for the most part, I cook for her (she buys her junk), and she is always presentable, when she is with her mother she doesn't do her hair, doesn't bathe her very often, etc ( I don't think those are things that are taken into consideration)
is it likely for her to get her like 2 or 3
weekends a month? or just because she is the mother, it is not very likely?
Because that's what we want, we want to have her every week, and ehr mother can pick her up any afternoon to spend an afternoon with her, and also like a few weekends (not all) so we can have her some weekends too. Also, in an arrangement like that, would the mother have to drive all the way where we live, or would it be a 50/50 driving from each party?
If you live within 200miles of BM then it will likely be a EOWE
situation.
I am a big proponent of "going legal". A CO creates an enforceable foundation for the management of the blended family situation and protects the best interest of the Kid(s) and should allow both parents to have quality time with the Kid(s) and a life of their own (to some degree).
Good luck and best regards,
In your situation
as was ours, husband was unable to work with birth mother. Husband went legal all the way despite it costing big ( over 15K ) in attorney and court fees but it was worth it.
In the long run we will benefit because she has been given specific outlines as to how much child support she gets, who gets to declare the kids on taxes and in what years and also when and for how long visitiation weekends last.
It is very specific and she can't change anything without another court hearing, which she will have to initiate and pay for.
At first she would call the kids to make sure they weren't being abused and over reacted to everything. After I started to call the police on her, she then started to complain to the state she was not being paid her child support and starting investigations which all proved to be false.
It took a few years but she finally stopped. Her finding a man to date I feel also helped, because it took the focus off her ex husband and a new man to blame all her troubles on. may God bless him.
I know her new BF won't be around long, but long enough to distract her and since she found someone to date her old looking self, she feels confident that she can replace him when he dumps her.
It is best to go legal all the way in the event you have a difficult or unreasonable ex spouse or bio parent.
Go legal
I had to with my first husband when we divorced as he was totally off the wall. OTOH, my BD was old enough that she could choose a parent of residence. This won't occur with a small child. ( FWIW, her BF was the erratic parent/ I had the career)..... I went legal. It was worth it. Plus, she knew the rules with my DH/ her SF. They got along wonderfully, even when she did go live with her BF during college. Now that that BD has been out of college close to 20 years and has little kids and the BF wasn't coparenting, she went legal. They had issues but it got worked out and she is the parent of residence even with split custody .