BM from HE.....double hockey sticks!!-1st timer!! Please help!!
This is my first time writing on here and looking forward to some advice bc I seriously am at my wits end!!!
Background: 1ss-6. 1sd-12. 2bm!!!! 1bs (mine) 1bd(ours) 1bm cool. 1bm unbearable!!! I've been engaged for 4 1/2 yrs- so I play the SM roll.
Lots of incidences have happened with the 6 yr old ss. He is quite the manipulative child-gets away with too much. When they come every other weekend, I expect him to follow our rules. i.e.- manners are a must and I'm sorry.... You are 6 so you don't get to talk back to an adult...ever!! I am the enforcer at the house bc DH doesn't like to be too harsh considering he doesn't get to see him very much. So ss thinks I am the most horrible sm in the world, which he voiced to his mother. She in turn sends my DH an email regarding this. I ask the ss about it and he doesn't know why he thinks that. My dh gets a call from ss mom screaming saying I cornered him about this and now ss is terrified to come over! She also is saying I ruined the trust issue she had with her son bc I told the ss I read the email his mom wrote and I am concerned as to why he feels this way. This is so insane to me bc the ss and my convo about it was calm and we hugged at the end. The BM now has my DH thinking I attacked their son and that I am the one to blame when all I did was address the issue so it could get fixed.
This has blown into something huge that really was very minor. The ss blew it up to his mom bc he wants attention and doesn't care what kind! I am so incredibly pissed about this and tired of having to tall about the bm and ss!!!!!! Ugh! I don't know how to handle this and This could possibly be a deal breaker. HELP!!
- JJlove's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Welcome... but... Why have
Welcome... but...
Why have you been engaged for 4.5 years? THAT would be the deal breaker for me...
____________________________________________________________________
Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
Ok, that's good. Long as
Ok, that's good. Long as it's your choice and not his dragging feet lol.
____________________________________________________________________
Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
I know 4 1/2 yrs is a long
I know 4 1/2 yrs is a long time!! He would do it tomorrow but I am the one wanting to wait! There are alot of underlying issues and they have to be dealt with first!!! I only want to do it once!!
Good for you!!! There are
Good for you!!! There are times that I wished a few things would have been resolved before I married my DH> It has taken him 12 years to finally put his foot down... Yet even thou he has, I am always the bad guy if we don't agree to everything the BM wants. Take your time...
this is good though. The
this is good though. The last thing you want to go through is a divorce, it is much easier to get out of a relationship when jsut dating.
BM's can cause a huge rift
BM's can cause a huge rift in our relationship with their kids... I have tried to show the kids from a very early age 8 and 9 that I love them both. But unfortunately when the Kids live with the BM she has a whole week or two to ruin what you have accomplished. I personally think 6 years old is too young to understand that the BM is not looking out for his best interest. Or she would do what she could to get along with you so her son is happy when he is with you and his dad, or when he is at home. She could also be telling a 6 year old you are not a good person, and at 6 he is going to believe his mom. Just hang in there and show your DH and SS that you love them. It is so hard on the kids, and just as hard on the SM.
just my oppinion
This is a big deal becuz you
This is a big deal becuz you are letting BM and SS get to you. Just let it go.....who cares what she thinks, for one. For two, if SS is a liar then refuse to have anything to do with him--in regards to punishments or daily routine (when to shower, brush teeth etc) leave that to SO. I know he doesn't want to but to bad these are his kids. He will see that he has to once the children leave and you remind him that SS did not shower or brush his teeth for days. These things are not your responsibility as a SM, and by doing them you force a wedge between yourself, the skids, and it will stress you out beyond belief.
Just a tip from being a SM for a long time (just MHO of course) the kids usually don't say the truth. They tell BM what they think is best for them and tell you what you want to hear. When my SD did this to me (she did it a lot) I didn't say a word to her, I was not going to give her the satisfaction of seeing it bother me. I just continued on and let DH handle EVERYTHING concerning her. She did stop lying.....no lies for about 1 1/2 yrs now.
Good luck
Thanks unhappy and
Thanks unhappy and stepmom!!!! I agree 100%!!! This BM is so ridiculous though!! She calls up my DH almost daily with an OMG story about ss! Give me a break!!! She is re-married and refuses to let her new hubby parent so my DH is at her freaking beck and call!! I feel like they are ganging up on me and I am so tired of being the bad guy here!!! Call your own damn husband for advice! There were ZERO manners b4 I came into the pic but now ss gets praised at school for using good manners.....hmm! Wonder where that came from!! Oh I am so frustrated with BM!! Now saying she doesn't think it's safe for ss to come over?!?! What?? Oh and when bm wrote the email to DH and I told ss I read it, he went back to his mom crying asking why she told my DH about it bc he didn't want me to know!! Bm then says no she didn't say anything then ss now thinks there are speakers in his house and I am a liar bc how else would I have known that he said that since bm lied and said she said nothing!!!!
She can't refuse visitation
She can't refuse visitation with a CO unless she takes SO back to court. So let her think what she wants.
I am sure that she sees he is doing better but since she hates you she is in denial that it has anything to do with you.
Of course SS didn't want you to read it! He lied!
I have been blamed for everything under the sun, believe me. I used to get upset but it does no good.
All you can do is disconnect/disengage. These are not your kids, take a back seat. You can not believe the release you will feel without these two running all over your emotions.
if you step back for a sec
if you step back for a sec and consider...
you put a six year old in the middle? was that fair? NO WAY.
i mean the mom writes your FH an email..you read it and YOU DECIDE to CONFRONT a 6 yr old? how is this in any way appropriate? its not.
no wonder the kid is upset. makes sense to me. who can he trust now?
his dad should have spoken to him if anything was to be said. or dad and mom should have worked it out. you really had no place confronting the kid.
he is SIX!
Granted folkmom, but in no
Granted folkmom, but in no way was I attcking him or cornering him. I was really concerned and wanted to talk to him about it and come up with a solution. I shouldn't have said anything about the email and I realize that now but it just slipped out! Yes he is 6, but beyond manipulative and sneaky! Putting him in the middle was not my intention.
but you cannot "talk about a
but you cannot "talk about a concern" with a six yr old. that is something you do with someone on an adult cognitive level. a 6 yr old processes it as "cornered" or attacked or threatened or punished. that is their cognitive level. "uh oh, I am in trouble.."
plus regardless of how you said it, you really should not have said anything. it is FH job not yours.
you won't make happy progress until you understand and employ that last sentence.
but you cannot "talk about a
but you cannot "talk about a concern" with a six yr old. that is something you do with someone on an adult cognitive level. a 6 yr old processes it as "cornered" or attacked or threatened or punished. that is their cognitive level. "uh oh, I am in trouble.."
plus regardless of how you said it, you really should not have said anything. it is FH job not yours.
you won't make happy progress until you understand and employ that last sentence.
I don't thinik she
I don't thinik she "confronted" him but talked with him. I do think that BD should have sat in the room to be supportive of FW. Either way the child would have went back and said more bad things about the SM.
it was a lose/lose either way.
that is a confrontation to a
that is a confrontation to a 6 yr old. especially when it turns to "i saw the email"
actually, i think the
actually, i think the problem is the future hubby. he doe snot discipline. you do it. everything you listed up above...should be dealt with by him...not by you.
he is the problem.
I feel like dh is on bm
I feel like dh is on bm team! He will say until he is blue in the face that he is not.... But i feel like he isn't standing up for my at all!! Then I have bm threatning to come over and tell me what she thinks!! Can you say Jerry Springer! Seriously! What a mess!!
stop parenting. just stop.
stop parenting. just stop. there is no team. it is there kid. let the kid f up. you just stop.
Ok, but what if say I do
Ok, but what if say I do stop parenting and then it starts to rub off on my 6 yr old son?? By the way, I have done that b4-stepped back and basically watched- and my son started to act that way! Then what!?
so can FH talk to your son
so can FH talk to your son like that? would you want him to go talk to your son behind your back about a sensitive issue? and not get your back up?
you need to get your husband on the same page as you so there is no rub off. but in the meantime, you do not get to control his kid because he wont do it. the person you need to be influencing is your husband..not the kid.
If I can jump in here.... I
If I can jump in here....
I have Bkids and a SD. I have no trouble disengaging from SD and letting DH parent. My Bkids are actually better becuz they know I am all in for them.
Just parent your child, when SS acts up point it out to BS. Tell him how it is wrong and you appreciate him so much for being the good boy he is.
i agree in the way that fh
i agree in the way that fh needs to man up and grow a pair. he should be handling ss and making him behave in your home according to your rules. I have never spoken to ss about issues, except to tell him he has hurt my feelings when he has been rude to me because bm or satan(mil) have filled his head of crap.....regardless whos job it is though, fh needs to tell bm to shove it, you are a team, and you are trying to cope with ss's behavior in your home. fh needs to tell bm that infact you did not corner or attack ss, you are his wife to be and he better back you, trust you, and support you at all times concerning ss and bm or i would say there are big problems ahead...but youve already been dealing with this for 4.5 years, so maybe fh is just going along with it because you have put up with it...its up to you to change the status quo.
i can see why bm would address the issue with fh...if ss is manipulative and sneaky as you say, he probably made bm think there was a real issue, and honestly as his custodial parent, i think she had every right to email fh to ask....but thats where your fh dropped the ball, he should have told bm that nothing like that happened, and you and fh are working to get ss to follow the rules of your house hold. end of conversation...bm can be concerned, but she can tell you how to run your home. and as a result, fh should have handled ss and told him that he needs to shape up!
Thanks everyone!! You have
Thanks everyone!! You have been more helpful than you know!!
I agree crayon!! I'll try
I agree crayon!! I'll try it!! How can it get any worse?!?! Thanks alot!!
MAJOR problem!!!!!!! BM is
MAJOR problem!!!!!!! BM is now refusing to let ss6 come over!! DH is now really pissed at me!!! I don't know what my next move should be. This has turned into a war now between DH and I. What now!!!???
Do they have a custody
Do they have a custody order? If so, she can't withhold visitation...
____________________________________________________________________
Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
Yes it is EOW and every
Yes it is EOW and every Thursday. This is unreal!!! All I did was try to fix a situation and this has totally blown up in my face!!!! I'm so upset.....
Ok so BM says she will not
Ok so BM says she will not let ss6 come over until ss6 isn't "scared" anymore!!!! Aka-until bm is done hanging this over dh head! WHAT?!?!? DH is so mad at me! What now.....
your DH is being a fool. He
your DH is being a fool. He is mad at you becuz he doesn't know what to do with the psycho ex==if he yells at her he figures he will have bigger problems.
Honestly I would tell him to grow a pair. You did nothing wrong. Tell him he has two options...call her and threaten to hold her in contemp (show up with the cops and CO) OR tell BM that she is crazy and you did nothing wrong. SS is playing her for a fool and SS WILL come over for his visits.
This is his problem with the ex, not yours. SS is playing them both like a fiddle, let them find their way out.
i agree, dh needs to handle
i agree, dh needs to handle this. i think hes taking it out on you because he feels she is controlling him and therefore hes trying to blame/control you.
have you had issues before this? i dont see how you have stayed married to some one who it seems never has you back?