Clothing
So, bf and I have chosen to buy a whole set of clothes for the kids to keep at our house. However, they are learning to tie their shoes right now, so we agreed to just buy the one pair of shoes with ties so they could practice. This has been working out just fine until lately. She keeps putting the kids in the velcro shoes, so she doesnt have to bother helping them AND not returning the tie shoes when they come home! BF mentioned this to her and it just continues. Are we being ridiculous? How do you handle clothing between the homes?
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Ha - we had the shoe-tying
Ha - we had the shoe-tying problem with Wingnut. I insisted Creature learn, and the next week mommy sent her in velcro shoes because the "poor little thing shouldn't have to do anything for herself".
We don't send our stuff to Wingnut's. She sends her to school on Tuesday in her stuff. We wash, use our clothes when she is with us and send her back in the same clothes she came in.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
We try and do that but the
We try and do that but the clothes she sends them in are usually 2 years old and atleast one size too small! So, we usually just send them back in a bag, so the poor things dont have to go to school in that stuff as often! One of these days, I think some of those clothes are going to "accidentally" get a hole!
We tried to keep things
We tried to keep things separate for a long time, but it was impractical with our schedule. She sends them to school in day clothes (always inappropriate for the weather) and we clothe them in jammies after their baths/showers, but before we take them to Psycho's for the night. Unfortunately that means we have to have clothes exchanges, but it's been surprisingly easy and smooth. Every few days we exchange clean day clothes for clean jammies, although I usually end up re-washing them because they smell like mothballs and mildew (her signature scent) after being at her house. She still sucks at properly taking care of her kids, but what I can do is just not wash the summer clothes she is sending them to school in and only give her winter clothes that are warm enough for them. If she doesn't get the summer clothes back, she can't send her boys to school in t-shirts on a snow day!
Unfortunately, we still buy almost all of their clothes. They are growing like weeds but we clothes share with one of my friends (her older boy donates clothes to us and then we give them back for her younger boys etc...) and have really nice used clothing stores (I want a girl so I can dress her!) and we just go ahead and get them underclothes and shoes as they need them. BM obviously doesn't get that the CS check we send her every month is meant to be spent on the kids and their needs. If only we could make her take good care of her kids...
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde
I totally get the clothes
I totally get the clothes inappropriate for weather! She lets them pick out their own clothes which I completely understand, but if they pick out a short sleeve tshirt on 5 degree day, maybe add a sweatshirt! Our custody arrangement is "50/50" however, we are the only ones that buy clothes when they outgrow their old ones! Do you feel as frustrated as I do to know that we know what is best for these children 95% of the time, but she still has a bigger say than us in decisions?! We usually have to force her to make doctor/dentist appts for our concerns and when the appt comes, I can't go. I know they are not my children, but when I seem to care more than her, it just feels wrong not being there. Do you ever feel that way?
We have the same kind of
We have the same kind of issues. We never send 'nice' clothes on exchange days. We try to send SD back in whatever is from BM's house from the prior exchange. (clean of course)
We have had times where we sent SD in clothes from our house, but there is ALWAYS comment made to SD that the clothes we buy are "Ugly". So we try very hard not to send her in the clothes from our home.
Yes it's all petty, yes I hate dealing with it, but I have come to learn, if we want the clothes back and don't want comments, don't send her in anything but what BM purchased.
If there is some other case where we HAVE to send the clothes we bought, we send plain jane clothes and shoes that we don't really care if we get back or not. Cheap t-shirts, older pants/shorts and old shoes or cheap flip flops is what it is.
DH and I do this also...What
DH and I do this also...What SD11 wears from her mom's goes directly into the dirty clothes and gets washed at our house when she gets here on Thursdays after school....On Sunday evening she gets these clothes back to wear home....That way nothing that we bought goes to her BM's and nothing except the 1 outfit she wore to school from BM's comes to our house
the clothes issue is funny
the clothes issue is funny and petty. after a while you just have to laugh. i've had to put clothes i don't mind not getting back on my son to send him to my ex's house because he'll keep any nice, quality clothing. then he'll complain about the clothes being not good enought if i don't send him in quality clothes. can't win. with my skids, we send them back in whatever they had on, unwashed. that's how bm asked it to be so that's what dh has been doing b4 we even got married. and yes, often not weather-appropriate. i now obsess over checking undershirts when they get here because for awhile i suspected she was sending them with no undershirts and then keeping the ones we sent them home in, so we were slowly running out. now as soon as they come over i'm checking for undershirts like a crazy person. :? :-?
I feel your pain here...we
I feel your pain here...we have even had to start making sure that SD is wearing the underwear that she came in home b/c her BM went through a stint where she refused to buy her name underwear as "punishment" and SD was wearing the one's from here home b/c they fit and we ended up with half a drawer full of undies taht didn't fit SD.......petty but still frustrating
Before I even met DH he had
Before I even met DH he had the policy of stripping the skids they minute they got back from her house, throwing them in the tub and the clothes in to wash. He's box up the things from her house until it was time to go back to her house.
When I entered the picture, it really bugged me that most of the clothes she sent them in were too small, dirty, etc. They were 2,3, 5 at the time... He was pissed about it too, but wasn't going to give into her, knowing she was doing it in the hopes he would send them in newer clothes so she could keep them.
I couldn't stand it. I started hitting garage sales and second hand stores and bought stuff in good shape, in the right sizes. If they arrived in clothes too small, it disappeared, and they went home in some of the spares I picked up.
She doesn't pay CS to us, and the skids live with us full time. She is in charge of having her own clothes and things for the skids that they need when they are there.
The skids are now 14, 15, and 17. They still follow the policy... They each went through a stage of wanting to take their things to her house, but realized it was too hard to get the ciggie smell out when they got back here...
She'll sometimes buy clothes for the skids to keep here, so she feels like she's contributed to their school needs, but it is never meets school dress codes. Usually those things "disappear" after a few weeks...
"I HAD to pick the road less traveled..."