Any advice to avoid horrible skids?
let me explain because i know you drunk crazy ladies will have MANY (not yelling) smart ass replies! lol 
for me, bm and mil are my only issues! ss is a truly amazing kid and i love being with him!! even after i spent the whole day with him on monday, because he told dh that he missed me and wanted to spend time with me, he was slightly sick but was a true trooper and ran all my errands with me to like 10 stores, and didnt throw a fit once! we got home dh got home and he was still glued to my side! helping me organize my closet even! he does not sas me, he listens always, he is a sweet heart, and i just cant say enough good things about him......
i wonder though, for those of you sm's who want to lock your self in your room when skids are there.....was there a turning point that you can look back at that you think that there was maybe something you could have done to prevent skid from becoming such a monster and treating you the way they do now? for example, you tried to be their friend rather than step PARENT and they took that to mean they could walk all over you eventually.
i know that dh and skids, and bm are very much responsible in most cases for these types of issues, but i wonder if there are any of you who can look back and think of things you could have done differently to avoid whats happening now in your relationship with skid....maybe it will help me in the future!!
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Yeah - don't just DO & DO &
Yeah - don't just DO & DO & DO. Make sure they understand why you are doing things for them. I love my SD & SS like I gave birth to them! The problem is that BM & DH do not disapline at all & when I try to it gets reversed. Make sure you have a truley great open line of communication with your DH.
no my SD has always been
no my SD has always been respectful to my face and stabbing me in the back--even at 4 yrs when I first meet her. I used to think she was little and would grow out of it, but she is nearly 11...she will never change.
My SD has been a difficult strong willed child since she was 1 1/2 yrs--as stated by BM and DH. She is who she is, that is why I accept her for who she is but disengage completely as a SM. To me she is now (for the last year) a child that comes over EOWknd to visit her dad. Nothing more nothing less.....I treat her as I would any visiting child.
I do love her but I have taken a back seat in order for me to have a good happy life with my DH and our biokids.
i hope that if ss were to
i hope that if ss were to change i would have the self control to disengage like this (we have 50/50, and have him for 5 days straight so it would be a little harder i think) but none the less i hope i could do that and save my sanity!
thank you
it was hard at first. But
it was hard at first. But everytime I would get upset about something she was doing or said about me I would just say to myself "no she is not mine. I have a DH, and my boys. That is it--it is our lives I care about. don't take it out on them."
I had to say it over and over intill it came naturally. Now she does something I ignore her and leave it to DH (his is not a guilt daddy). If he is gone and he does something I say "that is not acceptable. Go to your room till dad gets home" When he gets home I tell her to come out, say what happened and walk away. I do not get angry--I continue on my life with my DH and kids as if she never did anything wrong.
We have our own lives to deal with, our own kids, DHs and jobs. To keep my sanity I must concentrate on myself and my family.
And I have to say I have never been so at peace with being a SM. Though I am not a mom to her at all--I wish it could be different.... Disengaging has brought me back to myself again.
When my skids used to
When my skids used to misbehave all the time, I would tell DH I am going out for a few hours. I'd get a coffee, go shopping, go running, etc.
That is a sad situation and
That is a sad situation and I hope he does change. But as with my SD she has not.
DH going to see him without you maybe the best thing with a new little one. You certainly don't want him to learn that type of behavior.
I started this whole journey
I started this whole journey by only trying to be the "cool Aunt" to my skids.....but as the situation deteriorated I realized that I needed to step up and become a strong, motherly role model....they say that kids need a strong opposite sex parent to learn how to have a healthy relationship...so I felt that my SS needed a motherly role model who wasn't a drunken whore..so I then began my journey as a "Mom"........that being said...my skids always respected me, I think because in the beginning I never tried to cross any boundaries and I was very respectful of the mother/child relationship.....once I saw was a POS she really was, I stepped up.....and became more authoritative and strict, so to speak...I am very strict with my skids and demanding as well....and my DH allows me to be just that....if I had to deal with some of the issues that u ladies have to deal with, I would venture to say I wouldn't be here....
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....
My issue with SD is not that
My issue with SD is not that she is a bad kid or that she treats me or BD poorly, it is that I resent the BM for just walking away and leaving us to pick up the pieces. I resent being expected to be overjoyed that I "GET" to raise SD because her mom isn't doing it. I wish I could have a break. SD and I had an effin' fabulous relationship when she split time between two houses. I enjoyed having her around, BD enjoyed having a sister and we loved being together as a family. I also enjoyed having a break and getting to have time to just focus on my BD. Yes, I do make time for just me and BD now so that she gets one on one mommy time, but then I am immediately expected to make the same one on one time for my SD.
"I resent being expected to
"I resent being expected to be overjoyed that I "GET" to raise SD because her mom isn't doing it.".....I know exactly how u feel, CG.....it sucks sometimes....especially in that u have a BD of yur own....that must be very hard....I have no bios so I was able to devote all my time to my skids....oh joy....LOL....don't get me wrong, I would do it all over again, but I DO understand how u are feeling...its quite alot to take on, and its truly a thankless job....so I applaud u for all that u do....
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....
Thank you Lotus. I have a
Thank you Lotus. I have a mantra that I say about SD every day, "Give her what you would want someone to give your own child." I say this and I DO this because I love her and I love that she is a part of my DH. One of the reasons I love this site is that there are people like you who help talk me off the ledge and remind me what the bigger picture looks like.
You totally "get it" CG....u
You totally "get it" CG....u love that child because she is a part of the man u adore...now, that being said...u don't have to like her...LOL....but it really IS about the bigger picture...and u know what?...she won't be young and yur responsibility forever and then u will have yur DH all to yurself.. :)...I am looking forward to my grandkids...cuz then we can say..."awwww...I love yur baby, now take her home"...LOL....I have always said...a man can love u cuz yur hot....yur great in bed, etc....but the love u see from a man when he sees how u are trying to take care of his child is unbeatable....this will stay in his heart forever, when looks may come and go....this is how I see it anyway....I have never seen love like I see from my DH....and I have a feeling yur DH feels the same about u :)....
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....
"...was there a turning
"...was there a turning point that you can look back at that you think that there was maybe something you could have done to prevent skid from becoming such a monster and treating you the way they do now?"
This really made me think, Smnikki. Maybe I did try too hard in the beginning. And I did lose my temper and yell at them a couple of times when the nastiness hit its peak. But upon careful reflection, I can honestly say that I don't believe anything I've done, or could have done, would have made any difference whatsoever. Their feelings about their father and their sense of entitlement were already set in stone when I came along. SD17 was already in the position of "second wife", so no matter what I did she would still have hated me for displacing her. The SDs would still have violently hated my daughter for living with their father.
It's my fervent belief that their behaviours are a product of how their own parents raised and treated them, not a result of anything I did. BM and FH both spoiled SS, forcing the SDs to fight for their parents' attention. BM encouraged the girls to regard their father as a walking ATM and nothing else. FH was clueless on how to relate to teenaged girls, so he had no idea how to respond to their feelings and behaviours, despite my repeated attempts to educate him.
The only power I've had in this situation is setting the boundaries in my own home. They now know I will not tolerate the nastiness generated when the girls are here together, so the girls are not allowed here together. It finally hit home with them when they weren't all invited here together at Christmas. This has changed SD14's outlook so far but I'm afraid it's only fuelled an even greater hatred on SD17's part. We'll see how it works when she comes to visit alone.