What if things are okay and that still isn't enough?
Maybe not enough isn't the right wording...I see DH trying and we're going to counseling and I'm trying to keep an open mind when DH says that SD7 is trying even though I can tell she's just doing what she thinks she should. Deep down I'm not sure that I will ever get back to who I used to be, that DH and I won't be back to where we used to be. What do you do when things are much better than they used to be and yet you're still not happy?
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I don't know. I am in the
I don't know. I am in the same boat. Sometimes too much resentment builds up and the damage is irreparable. At least it seems so in my case.
I feel exactly the same as you...
Mantra / Alexandra - In this
Mantra / Alexandra - In this case, I think you have to really do some soul searching on your own and ask yourself the tough questions.
For example... Is this just a case of "the grass is greener"?
or
Are you putting up walls to keep from getting back to a place where you think you may be hurt?
and
Why isn't it enough? Were you looking for something to happen quicker? What exactly did you want to happen and when?
And I think you need to be honest with yourself when you answer these questions. For example... for me.. right now I am going through a phase where I am missing my career because I have temporarily given it up to help raise SD. Now... I know that I love my career and have a right to miss it. BUT.... the reality is... when I was doing my job, and away from home for long periods of time, I wasn't completely happy either. I was missing my husband and MY FRIENDS. I was missing my life at home. So I know that personally I sometimes do that to myself. I think you need to look beyond the "I'm not happy" and really dig a little to not only why... but what is it REALLY going to take? And can you get there?
Also... as far as a 7 year old "trying" or just doing what she thinks she should and is expected of her... I personally believe that for a 7 year old... that is trying. If she is doing what she thinks she should... what more do you want out of her. To do it on her own? Eventually, when the rewards come, meaning more trust, a happier home, etc... she will do it on her own. But at first ALL KIDS learn by doing what we tell them without completely understanding the why of it. They do it because they SHOULD at first... not always because they want to.
Hope this helps...
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I don't mean to hijack your
I don't mean to hijack your blog Mantra. I am not putting up walls, I just am deadlocked. My situation is not "the grass is greener" -- I am simply thinking about what I want out of life and whether being with BF is conducive to that. I don't think things can ever change on his side to get there...we're always going to be focused on SD, dealing with drama from BM and SD, there will always be something financial to deal with on his side. SD is a tough kid and it won't change...BM has issues, that's not going to change either. BF has even told me so. The only thing that can really change is my reaction to my BF's situation. I can't accept it.
Really, I think I have already made my decision...it is just too painful to follow through on since I love my BF.
Honestly Alexandral I think
Honestly Alexandral I think a lot of us feel that way...you just had the guts to say it.
I think that if more people
I think that if more people were honest about things like this, and honest with themselves about realistic expectations of the relationship's viability and the true nature of everyone else involved, then there would be far less divorce in the world. I truly believe that most of the reason that divorce is so common is that people don't do this type of observation in the early stages of the relationship or realistically look at what the future holds for them.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Alexandra - Is this coming
Alexandra - Is this coming along as you get to know more and more of your boyfriend and his situation? If that's the case, then as you say, you have already made your decision and now just need to be able to follow through. And it's A BRAVE decision to make. Getting out of something that isn't right for you despite the love you have is very hard to do. But it is also very very giving of you - for all the parties involved... him and his child. It is very noble of you to take the harder path and leave even though you love him.
If you feel this way and get married or stay with him anyway, it will be much much harder to get out once you own property together, SD becomes more accustomed to you in her life, etc. You may feel trapped.
And I will agree with you on this. Yes, your BF, if he is a good father, will always be focused to some extent on SD until she is an adult. Yes, there will always be something financial to deal with because he has a child and raising children in this day and age is expensive. So he is being fair to you as well. He is not lying to you. He is saying "This is me and my baggage. Take it if you can."
I am sorry that there is no easier answer. You both sound like really nice people. But wrong place, wrong time.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Yes Stick, it has come from
Yes Stick, it has come from getting to know more about my BF and his situation. When we got together he did not tell me he was still legally married (she left him for another man but never really moved to a divorce)...to him, it was just a formality, but it completely affected how he dealt with SD and BM the first year and a half of being together...he didn't want to ruffle BM's feathers and give her a reason to drag their divorce out longer and was afraid if he disciplined SD she would not want to be around him and that BM would threaten him. Not wanting to add to his stress I did not express my disgust and unhappiness over what was transpiring with SD or BM but I put up with so much shit in my own home and bottled it up for so long that I am not sure I can get over it. Plus, the problems, as BF says, won't ever really change!
Before I moved to be out here with him I knew that things were problematic but I loved him so much I figured love would conquer all. After living together, I realised it isn't enough. I can't condone what goes on with SD and have zero control over her or BM.
This is the hardest decision. I don't think I ever want to try again ever with someone else if this can't work. I don't think I can put myself through another disappointment...maybe I am just better on my own.
I hear you Alexandra! When
I hear you Alexandra! When I met my now DH, he had left his wife in 1997 / 1998, but was still not divorced. I met him in 2002!! They didn't finalize the divorce until 2006. We had been together for 4 years at that point and had lived together for 3. He wanted to propose, and she was dating someone who she thought wanted to marry her, so he was able to get the papers signed without a lot of hassle. He gave up a TON. He signed over more than he should have to get her to sign.
I understand exactly what that feels like.
I don't think you should never try again with someone else. I just think that it's a mature decision to realize that you can love someone and still not be right for them, and they for you. Small consolation, but there will be other guys.
And it doesn't get easier honey. I've been with my husband for 8 years this July, and have been married for 3 years this July. I love him with all of my heart. But that's how I get through. It's not " I love him BUT"... For me, it's "I love him EVEN THOUGH.... and he loves me EVEN THOUGH..." because I have some baggage of my own too.
We are a team. If you and BF are not a team, and your love is not enough to compensate for everything else, then that's no crime. As I said before, and as others have said as well.... It takes a lot of strength and courage to walk away from someone you love because you know it's just not right.
You will be okay and find love again. I fully believe that.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Yes Stick, we're a team and
Yes Stick, we're a team and we love each other, but it isn't enough to make up for everything else. I am trying to hard to be accepting but I can't shake my feelings. I don't want to spend the next 10 plus years struggling with things that I have no say in and no power to change in the name of love. I want things to change, but it doesn't seem they can for a long time.
It is a very difficult situation to be in...
Alexandra and Stick!! Wow,
Alexandra and Stick!! Wow, Im glad I saw this. It had moved back several pages on the recent posts. But this blog has helped me tremendously. I feel the same way. For a while I've been wondering if I loved my husband enough to keep up with this and would I ever be truly happy raising these kids practically on my own and I must say Stick those questions you gave were great. I think they are really going to lead me further down this journey of self discovery. THANKS!!
Best wishes to you
Best wishes to you Sadstepmom!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Hi. I am a new user. I have
Hi. I am a new user. I have been coming here for a long time but was not able to join and comment due to only having access at work. Now I have access at home. Le tme apologize as it may seem like I am hi jacking your post. I just wanted to let you know that I can really identify with so many things I read on here. This place has kept me sane and helped me know I am not alone. Best wishes