what do you think..just for the sake of opinion..from advise sm/bm blog?
when i become i bm, im
Submitted by smnikki on Thu, 01/14/2010 - 3:53pm.
when i become i bm, im guessing because i am so hands on, i would feel the same in a way. but like you im not a nut job, and i would not have had the cops called on me for taking my child when it wasnt my night.
however...from another view, just for arguments sake, so to speak....when you have a child with some one, you are not ever guaranteed that things will 100% work out with you and that person, you are chancing having a child with some one that the potential is that you may end up having to raise this child while no longer with that person. Therefore, when any one has a child, the are accepting that task of potentially having to co-parent with a non-spouse. Which, i think we all would agree, that the most important thing is that each parent respect the other and their life, so long as it is in the best interest of the child.
therefore, yes, the mother is the mother at all times. but by having a child dont you risk that you may potentially have shared parenting, therefore not being around your child 100%? That just because you had a child, the truth is that the marriage didnt work, therefore, your parenting boundaries are different, and you knew that when you brought a life in to this world?
to me it sounds like what you said means that as a mother, you feel like you have the right to do what ever when ever you feel like it, because you are the mother...but isnt this exact feeling what is mainly the root of all sm and bm issues? of course, you are mature and intelligent enough to not act on it....but simply having those thoughts to me means that, like you, most bm's feel that they have this right.......when in reality, they are the one who had a child..went through a separation, all knowing that the potential did exist that their child would be cared for by the other parent at times with out their input....yet still feel and act as though the have a say in EVERY thing that child does? Isnt this the whole problem between bm and sm?
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also, here is another
Submitted by smnikki on Thu, 01/14/2010 - 4:10pm.
also, here is another thought...if your ex, was like our bm...never knew when he would be drama, or brought the new sm who was a bitch or something, and made the whole thing un enjoyable.
picked up skid and stormed out of the event when he didnt get his way, on your custodial night.......wouldnt you suggest the same? and what would you say if he said to you, pack sand im "the father" ill be at everything if i want?
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I'll post it here too: I've
I'll post it here too:
I've been trying to put some
Submitted by Wicked.Step.Monster on Thu, 01/14/2010 - 4:49pm.
I've been trying to put some thought into these answers for you and there just aren't any good answers that I can come up with.
I'll say this, that Yes, I DO feel like I'm the mother and therefore "I" have the right to do whatever, whenever. BUT let me say this too: you mention above about having a child with the possibility of a marriage breaking up and no longer having your child 100% of the time. When I had perfectson, I never in my wildest dreams thought it was remotely possible that I would wind up divorced from his dad and no longer have perfectson in my care 100% of the time. I truly never dreamed it. So no, I don't think anyone has a child thinking that that's a possibility, ever. I think whether we want to face it or not, most everyone believes that each relationship we're in is "the one" that will last to infinity and beyond. lol Now, the truth is, relationships don't work out and kids get stuck in a nasty stinking mess.
I think you're right, that pretty much this is what makes up the majority of the push/pull between SM/BMs. It's a power struggle between the two really.
Here's where I come from: I married EH, lived like a giddy newlywed with him for 3 years, had perfectson, and all was good in the world for 5 more years. Then during a tough time, along came Satan and she infiltrated my world. Had it not been for her, EH and I would have, without a doubt, stayed together. So Satan waltzes in and becomes perfectson's SM and 'she' wants to coach his soccer team, and 'she' wants to take him with her kids to do this and that. Well, who the F is SHE? She is nobody. She is NOT his dad. She is simply the ho-bag that married his dad. So really, why do I care what 'she' wants, at all? I don't. Perfectson is MY child, not hers. She means zilcho in my world. I make her life a living hell, and I assure you I enjoyed every minute of it. She can't take it anymore and I win, she divorces EH.
Ugly? Brutal? Sure it is. But that's what happened. So I'm pretty hard core in my BM beliefs. LOL
That being said. I would never grab perfectson and leave and make any kind of scene. It's not necessary, ever. I'm a firm believer that kids wants both their parents with them with they do things. Perfectson has often said 'I wish my dad were here' when we've been at one of his activities. It didn't matter that DH was with us, he wanted his BM and BF with him. I have always been able to put his feelings ahead of my own though and THAT's the difference that's lacking in some of these BMs.
If these BMs truly loved their child, they would do what is necessary, particularly in public, to try to keep their children mentally healthy and happy.
**off my soapbox now**
Standing up on your soapbox
Standing up on your soapbox too clapping!
So Im going to play devils
So Im going to play devils advocate ... you had no indication that your husband wasnt happy? You lived a perfect life with him and out of nowhere he cheated? Im not saying that its right he should have by all means told you he wasnt happy and tried to fix things and if that didnt work then he should have left you before he even started looking for someone else. So here is my question to you. Now that the damage is done at what point do you forgive? Dont have to forgot but at what point do you accpet what your husband did? Not what the other woman did but what your husband did?
No, I acknowledge we were
No, I acknowledge we were having a rough patch, just like every other couple does. We were bickering and aruging a lot. But I truly truly truly had no idea he was cheating. I never in a million years dreamed he would. Why? Because his dad did it to his mom and he KNEW what it did to a child. It was the furthest thing from my mind.
I have long forgiven EH for his part, because he asked me to. Matter of fact, we even had serious talks about getting back together after his temporary insanity as we call it. We both knew that we dearly loved each other, still do, but the damage was just too much. So we choose to be great friends and it's been working for many years now.
No, I would take that up
No, I would take that up with the courts because the other parent is denying your h his parenting time. There is a forum for that. Trying to bar a parent from functions their children are attending will not bode well with a judge. He/she doesn't care about you or the parents. He/she only cares about what is best for the child. Having both parents be involved in a child's life is what is in their best interest.
If she can't behave, file contempt.
thats it though, she wont
thats it though, she wont behave. she refuses to act accordingly, and it does effect ss. he doesnt want us all there at the same time because he feels bad for bm because she has PASed the hell out of him....thats the issue, she is delusional, and like the bm's here thinks she has the right to be at everything regardless of how she acts, she blames dh for the issues, and says ss doesnt want me there...uh, no, ss always asks me to go, its her fat ugly ass that doesnt want me there so that she can try to stand by and talk to dh every chance she gets
I agree with you. I think
I agree with you. I think in todays world if you have a child you have to mentally prepair for the fact that you will have that child to raise on your own. My EH is great with our daughter and has true 50/50 custody and does not pay me child support. I do not agree with the statement "because i am the mother i can do whatever i want whenever" When there are decision to be made about my daughter i call my EH and we talk about it. We come to an agreement that both he and i can live with and i feel thats where a lot of BMs fail. My BF BM is that way. She thinks she can do whatever she wants with the kids and not talk to my BF about it. She has changed schools, daycare locations and all kinds of other things without even telling BF nevemind asking him what he thinks about it. She takes them to the Doc when they are sick and does not even tell BF that they are sick. So no i disagree 100% with the i can do what i want statemnt. We wouldnt have the children that we have without the father so why do they not get a say? Yes you could have other children but they wouldnt be the same kids you have now so please give the fathers a voice. They deserve it just as much as we do.
amen! as it relates to the
amen!
as it relates to the sports issues......i do not think that attending tball is a life altering decision that both bm and bf need to be at. even married couples dont always go to every game together for petes sake
if one parent cant act civil then there is no need to publicly create conflict. but then again that would take bm realizing that she was in fact creating conflict, and in her mind she isnt a dramaful bitch that does everything according to her belief that she is the mother so she can do what ever when ever she wants, regardless of how it effects her child
I agree ... my daughter
I agree ... my daughter plays sports. My EH and i have week on week off so when she has pratice when she is with him i dont go to those he takes her just like if she has practice with me then i take her and he doesnt go. We both try to make every game on Saturday but if we cant then we cant she doesnt care either way because one of us will be there.
Interesting twist... BM and
Interesting twist...
BM and my FDH were married for 4 years, year 2 they had "Scooty" (SD5). BM "thought it would help their marriage" during a difficult time period. Scooty was 1 year old when BM started having affairs on FDH. FDH found out and was willing to forgive and save marriage but BM refused and filed for divorce.
Similar to above posts, BM feels she needs to have control 100% of the time. Even though SHE was the one that ultimately destroyed the marriage, and SHE was the one that didn't take the offer for a second chance.
We do involve her with most things regarding Scooty, never things that are directly related to our home (ie, what she eats at our house, what time she takes a shower...small things like that). However, we involve her b/c we want to, but not because we have to or feel she "deserves" it...b/c honestly she doesn't IMO.
So does that change anyone's mind? When it's BM who decides to separate her family against better judgement?
"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."
im convinced that almost all
im convinced that almost all woman who birthed a child feels they have the right to do what ever when ever they want, its just that some are able to not act because they arent crazy and put the childs needs first.
so, i have a feeling that these same women who feel this way dont give a damn how the relationship ended, its their child and they can do what they want, thank god there are some of you that are great mothers and respect the father in your childs life!