I hate to tell you this, but this may never change.

I am also the main parent in my house most of the time and I have figured out that BM will never respect me, my opinions, or my decisions, but as long as the skids respect me in my home - all is well.

**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**

There is nothing you can do. Let FH handle any changes, items to be discussed. BM will not change EVER!!! I understand that you are a parental figure in your home, but she will never value your input. Okay a small sliver of a chance, but doubtful. Sorry, the earlier I learned this the better.

Don't worry about her dramafests, they say more about her than they do you. She won't change. You can only worry about your reaction to her. Do what you do in your home and ignore what she does in hers. It is the only way you'll keep your sanity.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

This is how it works (IMHO) the BF and SM discuss and make decisions. The BM and SF (usually) discuss and make decisions. BF tells BM what "he" decided and BM tells him what "she" decided.

To tell BM that you get a say is not what you should be doing. Who cares what she thinks? You and BF make your decisions at your home....he can tell BM it is his choice or "our" choice.

In my situation this is how it goes. When BM asks me or H a question we say "let me confirm with DH/SM". BM does the same "let me confirm with SF". No one takes offense and realizes that families make decisions not one single individual. BM wasn't always this way, she was like your SD BM. She may come around, I never thought BM would.

That's how it works with us. BM & SF discuss any issues and DH & I discuss them and then BM & DH make the final decision based on everyone's input. But the BM I deal with use to not be like that. BM would constantly tell DH that I(SM) have no say in what happens with their (BM & DH) kids. But after years of DH telling BM that whether she likes it or not, I(SM) do have a say....because 9 times out of 10 what they (BM & DH) were discussing affected me. And DH isn't stupid, he knew that BM was discussing it with SF before calling DH about it. But it has taken almost 10 years for BM to realize that I am not going anywhere and that in DH & I's home, I am the main caretaker of their girls and their (BM & DH) decisions affect me.

So discuss it with BF and tell him how you feel. Tell him that you & him make together make the decisions for your home and that when BM has a question....have him respond to her "I need to think about it and I'll get back to you." Then BF will have a chance to discuss it with you and then after the 2 of you have made a decision...he can call BM back and say "This is what I or We have decided." After doing that for a while....BM will hopefully catch on that BF & you have to discus everything first because their (BF &BM) decisions affect you too.

Hope that helps. Good luck!!

Here is something that will make your life a whole lot happier. She does not NEED to respect you or believe your opinions matter. That is a need you may have but not one she has. Legally your opinions do not hold any weight. In your home they can hold whatever weight you and your fiance decide. The only 2 people that legally have a say about decisions with that child is their parents. Now, hear me right. I'm not saying it wouldn't be nice if everyone was amicable but don't wear yourself ragged waiting for that. You and your spouse need to respect each other and both have a say in to things that effect your life. He can then do all the communicating and present 'his (even if his is a combination of what you and he have decided)' part of the parenting choice to his x, like others have said. Don't put your energies into something that may never happen (trying to make her respect you). Put them into having a happy home right where you are.

I think you need to understand the difference between a parental figure and and ADULT figure...and no, my husband's child in my home will not be treated by me as if I were her parent, but rather as ANY OTHER ADULT that she must respect...If she goes anywhere where there are adults, she must respect the rules of that home and of the adults of that house, same goes in ours...whether she wants to see me in another way, that's on her...

Bendetti, you have to EARN that respect. It sounds to me as if you are pushing your way into the parenting and that's really just going to raise her hackles more. You need to step back, let your FH know your opinions in private and then let HIM deal with Mom. Not you. You have lots of say in your home, but outside of it, nope.

Now, that's not to say that if you back off a bit and don't be so pushy that she might be able to give you some of that respect. But you can't just demand the respect...it just doesn't work that way.

My ex's ex girlfriend was very pushy. She undermined me at every.single.opportunity...she thought she has more rights to my children than I do....things got ugly. The girlfriend that he has now is the complete opposite. She's amazing...she's always respecting boundaries and because of that, I'm more likely to let her cross those boundaries. She has earned my respect through respecting me and treating my children well. She didn't just demand my respect just because she's the gf.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but if you want to get along then you have to work at it, too.

Also, just because we bios don't always get all googly eyed over the overstepping gf doesn't make us crazy. Geez....

“Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either”~Aesop

Also, just curious, but what decisions are you trying to make? Are they medical decisions? Schooling? Or just decision of what goes on in your home?

“Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either”~Aesop

look, ive been with dh for 5 yrs now, fist year was EXTREMELY rocky with BM, DH, and I. SS(7 months at the time) and SD(1 yr at the time) just started doing the weekend visint thing with DH and BM is just plain off her rocker and a terrible ass mother in every sense. As soon as i came into the picture its like a had a big fuckin red target on my forehead and all the attention in her family was directed toward me. I was the "HOMEWRECKER" even though there home was already wrecked and they were split up. This was their usual pattern, break up and get back together just to break up again a few months later. BM wasnt expecting for him to really mean it this time, so needless to say, she flipped her fucking lid. 5 yrs later, BM and I STILL fight like cats and dogs. She tells her children "you dont have to listen to StepSorrow, shes not your mama" and i polite tell BM "MY motherfuckin house, MY motherfuckin rules". her kids learned very quick not to cross me because the shit that flies over at her house is a no-go at mine. Moral of the story, focus on your home and family, and fuck her.

She might never respect you and you need to learn to live with that. It's just what it is. It would be nice if things were more civil - but most of the time they aren't so let you fiance do all the communications with her. I have been in my SSs' lives for 6 years, been married for 2 and my husband is the only one that communicates with the boys' mother.