This is a letter I wrote to my mom, She got the full blown version yesterday in person from me. In front of my sister. She was saposed to get this after Christmas. I didn't want to spoil the holidays. But she was pushing me beond my limits. After
It is very personal and I wouldn't usualy post something like this.
But after reading about so many distraught spouces dealing with a mother or mother in law, that presses her life into your lives tearing apart your maraige I thought I would post this up as an example of how to break the overly bonded mother wound.
Maybe deep down you know something inside needs to be said but you don't know how.

Dear Mom,

I need to write you this letter, this letter is coming from many levels of emotions that I must deal with in my adult life… today.

As a grown man, I have many responsibilities that you may or may not be aware of. I have changed my life in many ways you may not be aware of. I have grown into a man with values that I had to figure out for myself, Values that have changed over the years.
Values that I stumbled over, messed up, or even mistaken for good values when they were a waist of my time in reality.

This letter is to represent many things that are important to me right now, and many things that should have been important in my life A long time ago. Some things I hold you responsible for and some things I just feel like were missed opportunities that as a mother you could have made difference.
I will try and keep everything in chronological order as much as I can, but I may jump around a bit.

I will start with some childhood topics that you may not know how they affected me.
1st of all, I am glad I was born, I am thankful that you chose to keep me; you did not choose to have an abortion. And for that I thank you. I love my life.

I know that I was a very independent boy growing up. the question I sometimes ponder is. Was that taught? Or was it out of necessity? See as an adult and having kids of my own, I needed to nurture and teach and raise my kids. So as my only guide as to “how” to do this, I would need to recall my childhood and think, what did my mother do?
And the thing that I realized was, I didn’t have that mother bond and nurturing memories that other people had.
I could tell stories about the 2 very powerful women in my life.
My mom and my grandmother.
My mom took her carrier all the way to Post Master for the U.S. Post Office. My grandmother Built her home, and a set of apartments all by herself. But I could not recall very much attention being paid to me as a growing child.
Alcohol was your choice as I was growing up.
I suffer from abandonment issues today from all the years you were not in a state of mind to be a mom to me. This is a shame to me.
This is something I believe you should have chosen a different roll to be for me. As I so desperately needed real guidance and solid answers to my questions in life and my schooling.

As I recall my grades through the 2nd grade were exceptional.
After that, you and my father got a divorce.
From 3rd grade on I could barely cope with school. You remarried to a man that did not like kids. He was abusive; he was an alcoholic like you. You did not protect me, you made yourself the mediator. Which has taught me wrong values for myself.
I never knew when to stick up for myself.
I never knew how to argue for my rights. You made me passive in many turning points in my life. And these turning points could have come out different for me in my life if I had known how to deal with confrontation. Is it the end of the world? No. I do love you but as a man I am standing up for my rights today.

I have gone down many roads, some bad, some good; the one thing that makes it difficult is, whether it was bad or good? There was no recognition, no direction, and no motivation for me to be guided by.
I could not recognize the right path, if it was right there in front of me.
I did get to be guided for a while.
My father took me in as an out of control teenage boy, and showed me I was smart. I was skilled; he showed me and encouraged me! He believed in me.
But that was from the age of 14 to 18 then he died.
So I got 4 maybe 4-1/2 years of good solid answers that a growing boy needs. I am so thankful for that. That little bit of guidance that I had, gave me enough of an edge to be who I am becoming today.

I can remember the talks Grandma Good would tell my sister’s and my cousins. “Don’t ever let a man control you!” There are no good men out there! You don’t need a man in your life! And I would stand there as a boy wondering what was wrong with me. My head would cower down, feeling ashamed for being a boy. And she would see me feeling ashamed. And tell me to stand up strait! Jon if you want to be a real man? BE LIKE YOUR FATHER! He is a good man.
Now I was very young when she said this. You and dad were divorced at the time, and I would often wonder, was I going to be like my dad? Or like all these bad men in the world she was talking about?

When I was on my own, as a young man and living in apartments, or townhouses, I felt hurt that you never came to visit me. There were times I lived but a few miles away. NEVER a visit. Years would go by. Then I got married.
I started a married life, I had spent 7 years with a step son that I loved as my own, and you never bonded with him. This hurt me deep! I was reminded of the favoritism you played against us siblings when we were young. I didn’t like it then, and I was told I was your favorite. To me that is wrong! I never understood it and I probably never will. I absolutely feel this has put a huge hardship between my sister and I, even to this day. She still compares her life to mine instead of just living her own God given life. This is something I am trying to learn to help her through. But I get things thrown in my face, how I always get these advantages in life. It is a hard thing for me to go through. Lots of confusion, lots of lost moments she and I must be missing.

You were there to see my 1st biological son born. You were in the room with all of us. Something in that changed you forever. You have a UN Natural bond with Jayce.
You have an overly bonded mother bond with him.
This is something you need to understand.
You are not his mother.
You are his grandmother.
Sometimes I feel you are trying to make up for what you did wrong with us kids. I don’t like how his pictures are plastered all over your house. He dominates your life.
I love that you love him. I don’t like that you favor him.

He is starting to show the same signs that he is becoming passive instead of intent full.
I have been in a more protective roll with him when it comes to you.
I know you have noticed this. And you have asked many questions on when you can have him.
I have let too many things go for too long.
These are my rules as his father I must place on you on how you can be in his life.

You will not dominate all available time with him anymore.
You will not throw guilt towards me, my wife or Jayce anymore.
You will not drink alcohol on the days he is with you.
There will be a few special days you will have with him per year, just like all other grandparents, other than that? You may not play favorites and only ask for Jayce anymore.
Jayce is a part of this family. You may invite “us all” over because you would like to see us all. And I would like more visits from you in my home to visit my family.

I know your health is not the greatest right now.
I know you have heart wounds of your own, that you must deal with.
These heart wounds have become a 2 time generational wound for you.
These traits you have adapted and pushed on my life are stopping with my son’s life. I will not allow this to be a wound for my son.

You made the choice to stop smoking when Jayce was born.
That was a miracle.
But the alcohol you drink still today with all the medications you are on is taking its toll on you.

I have just realized that these last few months, that I can re bond with my step father. You may not understand this. But I have forgiven him for his mistakes. He forgave me for mine.
We are starting with a new slate. A new beginning.
We have grown; we have learned a maturity that should have happened a long time ago.
This makes us both very proud. I hope you will encourage us as we tap into uncharted waters and learn about the two manhood’s that never bonded in over 30 years.

I also hope you respect where I am at right now with you.
I know this may not go over well with you. And I may have hurt you. None was meant to be spiteful; all of it was from my heart, I want to see you healthier, I want to see you in a new mature relationship with my whole family.
You are loved dearly.

Mom,
I forgive you for your mistakes, I know you did the best you could with what you had to work with. I know I called you out on some of your choices you made as a parent with my life. This is not to put guilt on your heart.
This is to stand up and turn a new page for us all.

Will you be in those pages with me? With my family?
Sober and healthier…?

Love your Son,
-Jon