I have been married to a man with 5 children for almost 18 years. I have been nice, courteous, generous, outgoing, and generally a pleasant non-demanding person with these kids. I do not in any way attempt to interfere with their relationship with their father. I am sure I made some mistakes. But, there has never been a major disagreement, etc. For most of these years we hosted holiday dinners and many family celebrations at our home. We loaned money, financed businesses, helped grandchildren with school tuition, etc. I even gave the boys some lovely diamonds of mine for engagement and wedding rings for their wives.

A couple of years ago I realized very little came in return. If we were invited to anyone's home it was perhaps once a year--though some live very close. I could be with all of these people at a get-together, and never once did anyone ask about me or those things that were important to me. Last Christmas and this Easter I said almost nothing at the dinner, and no one noticed. No one ever invites my companionship or company.

That was when I decided that enough was enough. I am tired of the relationship being one way. I know no one asked me to do the things I did. I did them willingly because I love my husband, and I truly wanted a good relationship with these adult kids ( 32 to 45). But, I really don't have a relationship with anyone. I am only there because I am married to their father. Other than that I really pretty much don't exist.

I have dropped out of the active trying business for the last two years. No one has noticed. Now instead of seeing the kids every month or so, we see them once or twice a year even though some live in the same city. No one seems to care. So I don't either.

I read all of these posts from people trying to build relationships. I hope you have some success. But, the best advice I have seen in a very long time is to just be realistic, and don't invest too much of yourself in your stepchildren. You may be a really great, kind, generous, nice person with wonderful intentions, but that doesn't mean they will ever really want or value a relationship with you.

Take some time to try. But, if you find yourself doing all of the work and getting nothing back, get on with your life. Spend your time with people who do value
you, and who enjoy having a relationship with you. Life is too short to court those who don't value a relationship with you. Just be smarter than me, and don't waste so much of yourself or time.

I am sure you can tell that I am still mourning this loss, or I wouldn't be writing about it. It is painful to want acceptance and friendship and not to receive it, even though you have done your best to earn it. Writing this all very publicly makes it more real. It helps me accept things as they are, mourn a little more, and get on with my life.

Bottom line--be realistic--and take care of you. Don't waste too much of your life on people who can't or won't offer anything in return. Don't have expectations that they can't or won't meet. Live your life--let them live theirs. Just be kind to them and to yourself.