As much as it pained me to think about it, I asked my DH what BM and I have in common.

His response? After thinking about it for a while, he said: "I have ONE thing you have in common. Both of your names end in "-is."

Whew!!!!

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

not in the slightest way are BM and i alike, i did think about it but we are really not, we are complete opposites in looks, jobs lives, attitudes. likes and dislikes.

However my husband was just having sex with her and she got pregnant within the month he was just 17 and she was older, i dont think he planned on being with her and he didnt pick her to be with. I know this for a fact as all family members and him have told me so. He was just a decent "boy" who tried to do the right thing by staying for the child when he was just a child himself...she was one of those women who "couldnt get pregnant" and yes he was stupid enough to believe it.

The only things that BM and I have in common are that a) BM and I have both been married to DH. b) We were both born. c) We're both female. That's it.

Like you, SMJ, I'm a Republican (not that that makes me any better or worse than her). I raise her kids. I've been more of a mom to those kids in 5 years than she has been in 12 and 14. I don't date deadbeat dads. That's a dealbreaker for me. I will not date someone who is not taking care of his child. BM, on the other hand, loves a guy who has 7 kids with 7 different women. :sick: . I also don't date convicted criminals. BM's "man" is a convicted criminal who doesn't work and lives off his mom. He was just paroled after doing 7 years in prison for molestation in November of '08. BM is a rude person. She's never held a job at all. Me, I've been working since I was 16. I went to college. I'm not dependent on my parents for anything other than love and support. I made sure DH's CS was paid to her on time when she had custody. Now that we have custody, BM's parents pay it for her. BM pawns her kids off on her parents. I love the cr*p out of her kids and spend loads of girl time with each of them. I treat DH with love & respect; BM treated him (and the kids) like dirt.

So, I think that sums it up.

This is a great topic! I don't really know bm at all, but I'm going to ask bdmf what he thinks we have and don't have in common.... Then I'll report back!

Oh this one is so good that I had to ask DH what he thought too. I said hmmm.... so if you and BM were married, and now you're married to me, do we have anything in common? He almost choked on his midnight snack! LOL! He said God no! I said really? He said well let's see... she's weirdly quiet and you're loud and fun, she hates confrontation and arguments and you love to debate everything, she wants to pretend she has this 'image' and you don't give a crap what people think, she wants the title of 'mom' but you are the one that does all the 'mom' stuff, and she's now a fat cow and you actually care what you look like.

So yes I'd say she and I are pretty much polar opposites. The absolute only thing I can think of that she and I have in common is we smoke cigarettes (I know, it's awful) and DH hates it. But that's it. She and I would not be friends in a different life. Now, 1st BM, ss22's BM, she and I could easily be friends... never had a cross word between us in over 9 years. Her husband is sweet as he can be too.

I asked my husband if I have anything in common with the BM's.

My husband said... you're intelligent and motivated and a good mother, so no.

He also pointed out that our DH's quite possibly learned from their mistakes and traded up.

Your husbands are smart men. I know if my husband came to me and asked me a question like that I'd lie too. Its like asking "do you think I look fat in this dress." LOL!

From my own observation, I would say that both of us are strong women, and while we have different parenting styles, we are both good mothers. Other than that, we are complete opposites.

Totalybogus.....You are totally right! and ...."No, you would never look fat like my X"

I think your DH is right, about taking any two ppl on the face of the earth and finding similarities. I think BM and I are alike in some ways, and have our differences in others. We obviously have the same taste in men, our style is the same, she's a good mother, but our differences are that I'm more of an introvert, and she is an extrovert. She's outgoing, I'm shy. She speaks her mind and is loud, doesn't care who is listening, I'm very cautious about my responses to people as I try to be honest without putting it in a way that would hurt someones feelings.

Now on the other end, I suppose on some unconscious level I picked someone who was the COMPLETE opposite as my Ex in every single way you could imagine.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”

BM and I are not alike in MANY ways, but some of the subtle ways we are alike:

We both like the same kind of music
We both smoke cigs
We both like to cook (I must say I am better at it though
We are both clean freaks
We both like court shows

Differences?

COMPLETELY different in every area of the looks department
VERY different parenting styles
She loves drama and gossip I hate it!
She is an animal freak, I hate animals
She lives in the past, I live for what the future will hold
She has HORRIBLE grammar, and spelling. While I am not completely proper, this is something that always has driven me CRAZY!
She lacks common sense, I don't
Ohh, there are SOO many, I'll just stop here!

"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe

Dh married BM because neither of them had dated anyone before - they were each others firsts - they wanted to live together, their parents didn't want that, so they got married at age 19. Hmmm, good reasons huh? Now, I don't fool myself into thinking that there were never feelings between them. They did after all create 2 kids together. But after the kids were born, they focused on being parents and everything else went on the 'back burner'. They fell out of love after 6 years of marriage but stayed together for the kids.

What we have in common: nothing. Absolutely nothing. Polar opposites. I think this is why DH was attracted to me.

I worked all my life and earned everything that I own, she sat on her butt until she was getting a divorce and HAD to find a job and had everything handed to her by DH.
I am self-sufficient, she's afraid to walk into the DMV and needs hand-holding thru everything.
She drinks, I don't.
She has short frizzy hair, mine is longer and well kempt.
She looks older than her age, I look younger than my age.
She's short and fat, I'm thin and tall.
Her style is old (traditional), mine is more modern and clean.
I cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shopping, pay bills while at home, she sits.
I'm frugal, she's a spend-thrift.
I think kids (all kids) should have morals and responsibilities, she thinks the opposite.

Much more. But good question!

Like LeiaSolo, DH told me he married her because it was "time," she wanted it. At that point they were both fun-loving and young, socialized a lot. That's still BM's mode, work at a job and socialize. Being a wife and mom, not so much. DH did everything. Over time, she became very heavy and didn't care that DH didn't like it.

BM and I are quite opposite. She is not brainy, I have two degrees and am a writer. I do outdoor activities like hike and ski, she does nothing physical. I like gardening and home improvement, DH did it all. I am adventurous and ever growing and changing, she is stuck in a rut.

DH and I are two peas in a pod. We were both married to infantile spouses and took on too much responsibility. We mesh mentally, emotionally, artistically, physically and spiritually.

I just don't see many people saying great things about their husband's ex, here. It's likely to uncomfortable to acknowledge her accomplishments or good qualities and she will probably be the recepient of backhanded compliments, if any at all.

Well, I don't have issue with it. There are some great things about her, despite how she treated hubs.

My husband's ex?

Well, she and I both are-
Intelligent
Professional
Fashionable
Charismatic
Attractive
Well built

I am more loyal than she is, she is more sophisticated than I am. I am more involved in politics than she is, she knows more about wine than I do. I am more empathetic than she is, she is more social than I am. I am younger than she is, she is taller than I am.

We have lots of differences and similarities.

I think that BM#1 and I are very alike. We both work in human services and work very hard, while BM#2 sits at home on her ass and collects welfare and child support. BM#1 and I are both busy mothers, independent of DBF, BM#2 is sooo co-dependent. BM#1 has some issues with hygiene and keeping her house together, I don't. BM#2 is psycho and both BM#1 and I make fun of DBF for ever getting in bed with her! It's nice when you can have a nice talk with the mature people who understand that what they had didn't work and now it's time to move on. BM#2 has a baby to someone else (just born in September) and leaves my DBF phone messages about how she wishes they were still together. He and I listen to these and laugh hysterically about how crazy she sounds...(that's another post!)

No one can make you feel inferior with your consent - Eleanor Roosevelt

My DH married The Wookie because he felt it was time to get married. He had set a goal for himself to be married at age 25. At age 27, he met The Wookie through a dating network, and they dated about 6 months. The Wookie was 32 at the time, had been divorced for 12 years, and all that time was living with her parents. She was ready for someone responsible to come along and sweep her away. The man who performed mine and DH's wedding ceremony also knew DH and the Wookie when they got married. (He didn't perform their ceremony). While he was couseling us before our wedding, he asked DH why he wanted to marry me. DH said that with me, he had found his best friend, someone he loved more than himself and wanted to spend his life with. Our friend told us in that counseling session that when he asked that same question to DH years ago before he married The Wookie, his answer was completely different. There was no mention of love. He wanted to get married and have kids - the whole American Dream, white picket fence thing. He never even brought The Wookie into the conversation. Our friend told me that he knows we are right for each other because the answers to the same question were so different.

Let's see, as far as similarities go -
-- We both love our children (however, I love her children while she hates mine)
-- We were both married to DH
-- We have both lived in the same house (yes, I live in her and DH house)
-- We both drive mini-vans.
-- Our hair color is the same (whenever I change my haircolor or cut, she changes hers to match mine - that's why I love changing it on a monthly basis - sooooo funny to watch).

Differences -
-- I'm 8 years younger than she is (not that this is better, it's just a fact)
-- I've got a big booty that DH loves (he likes junk in the trunk)
-- I'm a game geek just like DH. We play on our laptops together sitting next to each other.
-- I'm adventurous and love to try new things; she doesn't go anywhere at all.
-- I take an interest in DH and he and I love doing things together; she would go her way, he would go his.
-- I LOVE HIM!!!!

______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

Hmmm... well my DH never married BM, but they were engaged. I have often asked... What did you see in that woman? He said he was desperate... (it's hard for him to meet girls because he's so cranky or something - lol)..anyways... but I do notice we do have similarities;

-1- We are both professional business women... (Except I put my family first, she puts her job first)

Actually I think that's it.. hahah..

Maybe he likes mean business girls with briefcases or something... or maybe he was hoping for a woman to make all the money so he could stay home...

I thought there were more similarities...but you know I'm not sure there is...

Hmm, there are some similarities I suppose:

We're both brunette & have cuddly figures

...and that's about all I can think of!

When I asked OH before about why he married her the answer was 'because of my son' - he says that he never loved her (SS was an accident when they weren't even together) but wanted his son to grow up in a family.

To be honest though, I don't really know the woman, so I only hear the bad stuff from OH. The one time I met her I had to bite my tongue though, because of the way she spoke to OH - all 'you must do this' and 'I need you to' without a single please or thank you.

Well, I have discussed this with DH before - while trying to find out what type of woman would do the things she is doing now.

In that discussion we have a lot in common and are complete opposites in other ways.

She is a nice looking woman
She is educated and has a good job (now)
She is well liked in her circle
etc

She and he were together for some odd reasons. She turned him down until she found out he was a young officer in the military - they lived in a military town in NC. He was interested in her because she was pretty, had a car, and no children.

He found out she was spoiled and although 24 - 25 at the time - could not manage money, liked working less than 25 hours a week, did not want to use her degree - as she only got it cause her parents required it, and wanted to be a housewife even if she had no children.

She found out he liked to strive to have nice things, cars, furniture, house, and would spend money on her and take care of her - like he wanted his father to do for his mother.

So for a while they work out..... until the pregnancy (SD) and she had to disclose an affair. He wanted to wait until she could say she was really ready for a monogomous relationship and she wanted to get married to protect her image with her family. Needless to say - she did not stop the affair and the relationship ended.

Now for myself, I was married had my daughter young, and divorced, and have been a single mom for 12.5 years when i met DH. I bought a home (my second one), worked for the government, car and the like. I was very independent, and felt like I didn't really need a man to provide for me - but hadn't given up on marriage to a responsible loving person if i found the right person. I like to keep moving life forward and look at setbacks at stepping stones for a solution and moving forward with more wisdom.

I guess we have alike that we are mothers, take care of our kids, work, provide, things like that.... But along other life issues we are nothing alike.

I had no ill-feelings against BM until i witnessed first hand her using SD as a pawn agaisnt DH and the lies she has told on me, DH and family to try and end his relationship with his daughter when we got married. I don't personally know her in her circles or in her personal life to know if we are similar or not..... Hell i thought we were going to both be able to be mature and handle things lady like.... But found she does not wish to have that happen. She revels in the drama of things - and creating drama - that keeps something going for her - I guess.

I think it is a issue with her not letting go of the past and rejection to be able to see that her daughter's feelings should come first and the relationship between daughter and father should not have to be only when she (BM) is feeling good about DH.

Whether we are alike or not... i just hope she gets past whatever it is that makes her do the things she has and is doing at least for her daughter's sake.

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************

Yes I have asked myself this, but DH and BM had a weird way of getting together. He didnt really pick her. She was dating his BFF who ended up dying of cancer unexpectedly and they mourned together and ended up getting preggo and he felt trapped so he married her. He was never happy with her. But more than anything felt obligation.

The only thing BM and I have in common is we are both female and I question that on her end most days.

I've asked DH what he saw in her and he said I got her preggo and had to do the right thing by my son and than just had to make the best of it from there. So this doesnt really cross my mind.

BM and I are polar opposites.

I am a WOMAN...she is a MAN...lol.
I am straight, she is gay.
I HATE sports with a ball involved, she was a basketball player and coach and watches sports on TV all the time (YUCK!)
I am more of an artsy person, music, acting, painting, etc. She is basically just a dude with a vagina.
I am gorgeous (lol...DH tells me this) and she is really ugly and very thick and chunky regardless of all of her "working out".
I am very tall and thin naturally, she is stocky and bottom heavy.
I have a cute, round little butt that DH loves, she has a big, wide, flat ass...lol.
I have long, pretty hair and hers is short, fried and in a Lez-cut.
I wear make-up and carry a purse, she does not.
I wear nice, girly/womanly clothes, she dresses in basketball shorts/pants and big, baggy t-shirts.
I am attracted to men, she is attracted to women.
I am extremely smart/intelligent, she is a dumb ass and has zero common sense.
I am 10 years younger than her, but I look 20 years younger because she is so butt ugly and has not aged well.
I take care of my nails, she bites hers until they bleed (eewwww)
I have a naturally cute nose, she had to have a nose job to fix her huge, monsterous nose (and it's still long and pointy. Must be all the lies tells...haha)
I like to make my DH happy, she only wanted to make him miserable.
I am very sociable and love to be out, she likes to be secluded and is terribly afraid of social sitiations. (um, can you say "CRAZY?")
I drink alcohol, she is afraid of it because she may "lose control". Oh wait, she says it's because she is a Christian. But I don't know many Christians who are actually Satan so...I have to question it.
I am sane, she is a complete nutcase and should be locked away permanently in a padded cell somewhere far, far away.

And finally, I LOVE sex with my DH and she always hated it and avoided it at all costs. Too bad they accidentally reproduced two spawns of Satan or DH and I would be home free!! Ugh...

Yeah, we are absolutely NOTHING alike. Apparently DH was young and stupid, or so he says. He is always asking, "My GAWD, what was I THINKING??? She is SO NASTY and getting worse by the minute!!" Dosen't help that she is a psycho b**ch!!

Love

**Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!**

Depends on the situation, but I think being married to BM made it clear to my DH what he DIDN'T want. So he looked for someone with different qualities. Not to be mean about her, but I speak the truth when I say she's an abusive troll, dishonest as they come, and a slut. She is nothing like me, and never will be.

I'm an upgrade, no doubt about it. She knows it too. Sorry I make you feel insecure in your parenting and your looks, but it's not my problem BM.

Stepmomjen, you should consider yourself a definite upgrade as well. Most second wives should, for that matter.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost

Well....You both have a uterus...

(That was my husband's answer when I asked him this question!)

And then he followed up with .... "I was young when I met and was with BM. Since then I have grown up, and became more secure, more of who I really am. I know what I want now..."

And you know.... if we flipped it, and I had met DH years ago... I may not have wanted to be with him because he was "too nice"! I was in that perpetually young "I need a bad boy" stage. Stupid.

As a matter of fact... when I met my DH, I called my sister and said how nice and handsome he was but that he wasn't like any of the other guys I dated. He wasn't really "my type". To which my sister, in her infinite wisdom said... "Oh GOOD!! I'm glad he's not your type. Because your type is ASSH*LES!" .... I gotta say... my sister was right! I'm glad I overlooked my initial concern because I'd be the big loser right now!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Wow.......we're both human.... that's about all I can really say about her. She's seriously mentally ill, so we have nothing in common and nobody really knows the "true" her anyway, not even herself.

Oh wait, both our names start with "M".

BM and I Have NOTHING in common..NOTHING!!!!

I am way better..the end

My husband was young, dumb and full of cum when he tripped and married her..it was a mistake and since he is a good ole country boy he tried to make it work as long as he could.

I often wonder myself what in the world did he see in her, but who cares.. that was his practice wife.. I am the REAL THING!

you know, i thought about it. Mostly because when I first met Dh, he was with her at my now father in laws bday party. I spoke with her, and we actually talked like we were ok with each other.... of course this was before I "stole" DH. but the first time I met Dh, he was with her, and I talked to her cause no one else would (the whole family hated her and she has never really been a talker), so I befriended her not knowing the future. We got along. I dont know if she even remembers me from then, since I came up as being with him way after they separated. It makes me wonder if she remembers having been nice to me and spoken to me as a "friendly" person.

all i remember from her clearly was that DH's family kept asking if she was preggo again, which she wasnt, but we all thought she was (she was HUGE, like pot belly HUGE)... and these horrible "mocassins" she was wearing with this party dress... god... and at the end of the night she got so retardedly drunk that we all left because she was so annoying, as if she'd never been drunk in her life.anywhooo....

But it still made me wonder if we would have been friends in other circumstances.

And then this week, I broke into her myspace by using a friends account who is friends with her (we used it to download pics of her all drunk), and her friends are HOOD... theyre so ghetto. like mexican painted sharpie eyebrows drinking infront of their kids ghetto... too bad she wasnt in a shot drinking with ss for evidence (but then again, good for ss that she hasnt taken pics with him). but oh well. we got a great youtube vid of her downing shots on her bday?

anywhoo....
yea, with that said, i am mexican, but i dont sharpie eyebrows or get drunk in front of my kids, so i guess we wouldnt be the best of friends then... oh well....

i always wanted to ask her if she remebered me from then, but im sure that would hurt her more, since DH was staring at me the whole time-- i actually thought he was creepy! lol.

Can't think of anything in common. BM is short and round, DH claims she was only 115 pounds when he met her, she gained 100 pounds when she was pregnant with SD16. I have never been described as petite, but I'm not significantly overweight. Just a big Norwegian/German/Irish/Danish girl. I only gained 14 pounds with BD6 and 16 pounds with BD3.

We both have brown hair, does that count? BM is half Mexican, I am extremely European. BM never finished college and never had a career. I have my bachelor's and have worked in my profession for 16 years.

I am pretty pliable but can be "intense." DH said BM was really nice as long as she was getting what she wanted, but if she didn't she was nasty. That seems right.

He met BM at a bar, he met me at church.

When we married, DH told me I was different from anyone else he had dated and that's how he knew I was the one. He was ready to stop partying and running around and settle down to a serious long-term relationship. He was jealous of people who could say they had been married for a double-digit amount of years. We're at 8 now!

Honestly I couldn't care less what BM likes doesn't like or whatever....as long as she takes good care of SD.

My H never talks about BM except to say he hates her, well not my fault he is the one who stuck her with us for the rest of our lives. Might as well make the best of it....that being said who care? not I.

BM and I actually have quite a bit in common as far as interests go. We both like similar things. We also both have bad tempers when provoked as well as bad attitudes when provoked. We are both unemployed my reason being that I dont drive right now (no license/car) therefore no job plus I stay home to care for the kids when they aren't in school and when DH is working. She on the other hand stays home due to pure laziness. We have similar body shapes (top heavy included). Otherwise we are complete opposites. She drinks/smokes...I don't. She is loud, rude and obnoxious...I'm not. She has to be the center of attention...I don't. She's selfish...I'm not. I put the kids needs first...she doesn't. We have different parenting styles. We have different views on the kids education. I will go a step further to say that in some aspects she is better than me (not sure if those are the right words) she graduated highschool...I didn't. Because of that she took online courses to be a CNA. She participates in a couple different charity events. Mostly because she is part of a group called Abate. She does MDA ride, Toys for tots(kids)thing. I am not involved in charities right now. But once my transportation situation changes then I do plan to get involved with charities.

Just because DH chose us both does not mean that we should have ANYTHING in common. My DH met BM in HS. What attracted him to her? She was very snobby, thought she was the last Coca-Cola in the desert. So he had to prove that he could get her. He did. He was with her for 11 years. During those 11 years they had 2 children. He was very immature, he also did not know his self worth. 11 years of a relationship that consisted of 2 people living under the same roof but each lived a separate life. They were both unfaithful to each other, there was no respect, there was nothing holding them together except the children.
She never worked, never cleaned, never cooked, never did laundry. He did all of that. He got older he got tired and knew there was more. He met me. I worked. Had my own apartment, my own car, took care of my kids, took care of him. Taught him his self worth. Never berated him like she would, never disrespected him like she would, gave him his place as the man, even if I made more money than him. Showed him what a real relationship is supposed to be. 2 people sharing a common goal. To grow together, respect each other, love each other with all the quirks. She smokes, I don't. She's lazy, I'm not. She's horrible with her finances, never has any money, cable gets cut off, cellphone gets turned off, I've never even seen what a disconnection notice looks like. My house is immaculate, hers looks like a junkyard. (her own daughters words) She is bitter, will do whatever it takes to get back at my DH, I would never put my needs before that of my kids. She is practically illiterate, I am extremely intelligent. She is anti-social, whereas I am the life of the party wherever I go. Men change. Their tastes change. As do we. If we have anything in common it's that we both had the same man. That's where our similarities end.

As far as similarities go -
-- We were both married to DH

Differences -
-- I'm 10 years older than she is (DH is 10 years younger than I am, she's his age)
-- I'm appreciative of others and always express appreciation for their good deeds (no matter what good you do 4 her, she never acknowledges)
-- I encourage DH (she was a nag, even when he went out of his way 2 do something nice for her,she bitched and would tell him "don't expect something just because you did" whatever it was for her.... what a way to treat a REALLY GOOD and KIND MAN!!!)
-- She makes excuses for everything (sorry daughter, mommy can't take you to your SB game, I have to sit on my ass and watch TV, call your step-mom (daddy and step-dad work nights)
-- I've never "cut" myself and had to be hospitalized for going "loopy" cuz my ex just announced his engaged, oh, but wait,BM is already MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE and got pregnant less than a month after she and DH split!!!! Poor DH wasn't granted a divorce til she gave birth! Think she cared about his position???
-- never been diagnosed bi-polar
-- My in-laws like me (they hated her, I wonder why?)

This is not my first go round as step mom. OMG! The 1st time was a blessing.... realistically speaking... we put the child's best interest 1st!We NEVER had conflict and always got along. But, she was mature. This time around I got stuck with the bitch of all bitch's!!! Self-centered, manipulative, rude.... and to think.... I have 13 years before the youngest is grown!!!! God help us!!! It won't be the kids creating conflict, it will be her!!!! Grow up already!!!!!!
--
--

My similarity to BM: we are both female and dress and act feminine, and are tall. Other than that, zero.

BM is ignorant and proud to be ignorant, dismisses educating her child until she starts getting called out on it (SD could not read at age 11, when her mom said she had dyslexia, until we insisted on a test and tutoring for it, when it turns out she is not dyslexic). We have completely different and opposite values and morals. BM is liberal and loves many actors I cannot stand, I am conservative. BM acts like an untreated bipolar person would and reaps the results of that (assaults, arrests, drinking problems).

She is a hard worker but unfortunately her ego gets in the way, i.e. she keeps losing jobs for not getting along with others, including relationships. She lies and manipulates constantly, and seems to be a miserable person.

I did not ask him this time, but I am sure DH picked her because she is supposedly beautiful (20 years ago, before her alcoholism), I am sure he loved her although they never got along, and her 'birth control failed', which is what brought them to marriage. But he was very proud of her and tried to work it out with her for years while she beat the crap out of him, emotionally and physically.

I think he is with me because I am happy and proud to be with him, and can and do get along with others. I am I suppose an asset to his status as well. We are both homebodies and our life together is calm instead of constant drama, just for kicks.

I would feel sorry for her except that her hand is constantly one inch from my family's throat, so that lessens any sympathy I would have!

I am afraid SD will end up supporting her mom financially, like she does now from her little high school job, when I would rather die than do that to anyone. I heard recently that BM is worried that SD will age out of child support soon, so there goes the free money. I wish she would get married so SD could have her own life without guilt for her mom, but that would require getting along with someone instead of being a female 'baller', that is her lifestyle. Thanks for the great example BM!!
_________________________________________________________
"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

Similiarties: both female
opposite: about 200 pounds and I'm a responsible person with values!

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

1. Totally different personal and family values.
2. I'm smarter, more accomplished and not afraid of hard work.
3. We're about the same age - but she looks like a scary witch with make up on while I hardly wear make up and look like a beautiful, youthful 18yr old.

Warning! Longest post in the world. I drank a lot of coffee and launched into this one, so only read if you have a lot of time or are very bored.

I love this topic! And (weirdly) I love making lists.

First of all I just wanted to say that I read through every single one of all of your posts and they were great. I couldn't laugh out loud, cause H is snoring beside me, but holy crap you people are hilarious! No wonder we got "picked" over the BMs.

Kay, onto the bitchy comparisons! Yay!

While I cringe and shudder to admit (or even think about) the things Psycho and I have in common, in actual fact we do. Those few things are all taste related and I think that's very different from having core personality traits in common (this is what I am telling myself in order to prevent the panic attack of the century that BM and I are actually, gasp, soul twins!).

Similarities:
Physically: Nothing at all.

Mentally:
We both like some of the same books and authors. She is incredibly stupid and slow, but apparently does read a little bit. Two series I adore are Twilight and Harry Potter. She also likes them a lot, but is incapable of getting worked up or excited about anything positive or fun-(The shared Harry Potter fan-ship upset me more than it should. I'm sure there are many Harry Potter fans out there that I would hate so I can't get too upset about sharing my favorite little wizard with Psycho)
We both like eighties movies and romantic comedies with Hugh Grant
We both have been tattooed. I have one discreet and very meaningful tattoo and she has unknown numbers of tacky and meaningless tattoos all over her body and in very weird places.

Differences:

Physically:
-I am thin and was a ballet dancer so I have a really great body if thin and sleek is what you like. (I don't consider myself conceited about my body, I worked my ass off for years and years, dancing up to eight hours a day on a regular basis. I earned my amazing body and am proud of it).
-I have tiny boobs (my husband says all you need is a handful) and hers are like giant swinging punching bags that hang to her waist.
-My hair is dark brown with red highlights (naturally). I cut it myself and take great care of it. It is shiny, soft, clean and cutely styled.
She has dry, frizzy dishwater blonde hair that is always either frizzy and disheveled or greasy and slimy looking (I think she uses gel the way 13 year old boys douse themselves in Brut).

OT: I have a hair product I use that almost no one knows about and it is AMAAAYZING. My hair smells like jasmine and orange honey blossoms and is soft and conditioned all day. H adores it and it works like an aphrodisiac with him so I can't let him near me if I need to go anywhere and have just finished my hair. If anyone wants the name of the stuff just PM and i'll send you a link for it. It's very spendy, but lasts forever because a little bit goes a long, long way. One of my best girlfriends uses it and I tried it when I was staying with her for a week and my hair changed in just that one week! She had her little tub that had lasted three years so it was totally worth the money! Sometimes for a treat I let my skids put it in their hair before bed and they love it and say it makes their pillows smell good.

-My face is pretty (although I can look horrible if I am exhausted or sick) and H thinks I am drop dead gorgeous. He is my number one fan club, so I can't totally trust his bias, but I know i'm pretty and luckily know that being pretty isn't that important in life.Psycho has a plain and ugly face. She isn't a scream-and-run-away kind of ugly (unless you can see souls instead of faces). She is the kind of person you don't notice. I think she looks like she cleans toilets professionally with her face, but that's my perspective, knowing her and being forced to see her half of the days of the week. Her face is round, fat and she has a double chin. She also has a mustache (blonde) and huge blue eyes that would be really pretty on someone else. On her they look giant and bulgy, like those fish that blow up (i've watched Finding Nemo too many times to count, I should remember what those things are called, sorry). She has a small mouth, thin lips and a snaggle tooth. Her skin is blotchy looking and has moles all over it. Her face is boring, bland, fat and ugly and her eyes are vacant and expressionless.
-I love school and studying and finished my bachelors. I am doing the prereqs. for vet school and have a great GPA and was an honors student. I can speak two languages fluently and am almost fluent in another. Other than those three I have also studied four other languages and am a total linguistics nut. Psycho is as stupid as you could possibly imagine. She has never liked school or done well in it and dropped out of college with poor grades. She barely has a grasp on English, let alone other languages (she has actually mocked me about my second language to H, as if it is a major flaw to be a geek enough to study a language for long enough to be fluent???!). To put the cherry on my cake, despite the fact that she was not able to finish her BA/BS she thinks she is going to medical school!!!! That is what she has told SS11 and I think it's hilarious! I don't know if she realizes it, but being a doctor means that you have to be smart enough to even pass prerequisites to even apply! She's so stupid, I can't believe it. I'm assuming that she doesn't know that you have to finish your Bachelor's and get excellent grades in such things as math, calculus, biology, chemistry, genetics, anatomy, physiology, kinesiology etc...There is no way she could even get through one of those classes, even with a full time private tutor and a reverse lobotomy!
-I am very emotional, passionate and expressive, especially to those I love and care about. I am laid back in general and know how to relax, but when it comes to emotions I feel extremely deeply and am very sensitive. I care about things so much it hurts and my perspective on life is very passionate. Life is too short to not care! BM is completely dull and numb about most things. H says he never once saw her get overly excited or happy or overly sad or angry. He said she was just blank and never showed any passion or excitement for anything. Even her affection for her kids comes across as fake and forced. Every emotion that she shows seems like she is doing it to hide that she is really an alien and doesn't understand human emotion. On the other hand, when it comes to me or the subject of H leaving her, she becomes a psychowoman. H knew her for ten years and in all that time he never saw the crazy emotional fireworks that came after he left her. He said she is finally becoming almost as subdued as she used to be and I have noticed it too. She is more zombie-like and looks just as angry, but with less energy and confidence than this time last year.
-I have the most amazing, loving and supportive family in the world. I was raised by my phenomenal mother who raised my sisters and I with endless love. She has been through so much and has always stayed strong and loving. I can turn to her with anything and trust her with my life and more. She is one of my best friends and my hero and role model. I also have a wonderful step-dad that adopted me after a certain point. We started out REALLY roughly and took years to straighten things out, but now he is my dad more than my bio-dad could ever be. I also have amazing, gorgeous, hilarious and intelligent sisters who are all my best friends (and all being thin and the same size, we can share four closets of clothes!!). And last but not least, I have the most adorable, loving, amazing nephew in the world. He is my little sweetie pie and has me wrapped around his fingers (it's okay, because he's perfect!) I also have a sweet little niece, but I don't get to see her (or her mom) as much as my nephew, which is sad. Anyway, Psycho's family looks like a police lineup/ad for weight loss (before pictures). They are almost all criminals (only one is currently in jail). Her mom is crazier than she is and a total, abusive nut job. Her sister is a partial vegetable due to a drug related accident and her other siblings are abusive, idiotic druggy slackers that steal from each other and drink and get high constantly. Her father died young in a form of suicide because he had an illness that could be easily managed with medication, but is fatal without it and he one day decided not to take it anymore and died a few months later. He had full custody of BM and her sister at that point, so that says a lot about him and their whole family. What kind of creep would choose to die and leave his children to the whims of a crazy, abusive drunk?
-I am personally religious although I am very open-minded and don't care what other people believe. I'm not out to convert anyone or be converted. I am a Christian with some Buddhist leanings, but don't go to church and consider religion to be a personal rather than a social thing. I am also very interested in ghosts and the paranormal and all that spooky stuff. H teases me about it, but I love it! I am interested in Tarot and do readings for my friends just for fun. I adore Astrology and have a whole bookshelf devoted to my astrology books (another thing for H to tease me about). I don't seem "New Age" at all, but I guess I tend to be interested in New Age stuff as well as my strong personal faith. Psycho has no beliefs at all and no interest in anything related to it. She just so happens to be my least favorite and least compatible astrology sign, but doesn't have the first clue about it because she knows nothing more about astrology than people who believe those fake predictions they put in papers and magazines. H is extremely interested in spirituality, philosophy and not so much religion, but he said that Psycho refused to talk about it with him. She just wasn't interested and wandered away when he was excited and trying to talk to her about it. He once asked her if she was even slightly curious about what happens when we die and she just shrugged and said, "no." I think this is just a stupid and ignorant attitude. In the words of the great Billy Crystal, "Look, when the shit goes down, I am going to be prepared and you are not, that's all i'm saying" from When Harry Met Sally.
-I care about the children in my care and put their interests first. I started out hating my skids and have slowly come to reconcile myself to them. Things have gotten way, way better with them because I have had time to figure out my role and earn their respect. They love me and depend on me and I do everything I can to improve their lives and make them better people. Psycho had kids in order to trap a man and feel like someone had to love her. No one in her own life loved her and so she had to make her own people. Unfortunately for her, they also have brains (if a little slower than average) and are growing up to realize that she's not a very good person. She always puts her own desires and petty vengeances over her own children. As a parent, she disgusts me more than any other side of her.
-H loves and adores me! He chose to marry me and is the most affectionate and wonderful husband ever. He is mail order perfect for me and we are the happiest married couple I know. H does not and never did love Psycho. He never wanted to marry her and never wanted to be with her. This is the one thing that BM can never claim or trump me in. She can act as crazy as she wants and be a shitty mom and make our lives hell, but she can't change that he loves me, his wife, and detests her, his ex-girlfriend.
-I have a goody drawer (actually a goody chest) that is full of naughty things that BM wasn't sassy enough to know about, let alone own. }:) Given that H had to sleep in the same bed as the human slug for four years, you can imagine that being with me is a huge change and a major treat. We love to go to stores and search online and have as much fun as two fairly conservative and vanilla people can have with lots of fun toys and costumes out there. I happen to know (from multiple sources, unfortunately) that BM was a female horn dog, but H, unsurprisingly had pretty much no interest. By the time they got back together for their son, she was settled into her current weight and was extremely unattractive. His relationship emphasis was on his son, hers was on getting some. I actually heard her complain to a co-worker once before he left her, that she had no sex life and was really frustrated. Once the bile went back down my throat (thank you Tums) I filed this gross, but interesting gossip item in my mind, not knowing I would be married to H within the year! H told me he managed to get through sex with her by thinking about other people and things. He actually once started to think about me way before he left BM, but it worked too well and he got creeped out about associating something positive (my sexy ass) with something as gross and depressing as sex with Psycho.
-I adore beauty and beautiful things. I care a lot about my home being comfortable and aesthetically pleasing. I am very careful about what I buy and even though we are currently dirt poor, our home is cozy and beautiful and I love curling up with my two babies (my cats) and reading in a patch of sunshine on the couch. I'm really into art and travel and other cultures and anything interesting and I think it reflects in my taste. I am also a huge geeky dork, so that stops me from being cool or snobby. Psycho seems to have no taste or interest in anything. The interior of her house looks like the cover shoot for House & Garden: The White Trash Edition. She is extremely tacky and her house is depressing, unclean, tacky and creepy. It's like where kitschy smurf figurines come to die.

I think i've pretty much covered everything. Basically we could not be more different. Other than having a shared liking for books that are adored my millions and movies that are also loved by millions, we have almost nothing in common.

I have actually asked H about why he was with Psycho and why he would choose her and then me. He had no hesitation in telling me that he was a freshman in college and stoned most of the time when he met her. He didn't ask her out, she just came over to his house with a group of people and he was in that time in his life where things just happened and he awkwardly and unenthusiastically started dating her. They never went on real dates and just hung out at his place. She did all of the pursuing and he was young and a late bloomer so he didn't have a lot of experience with girls. He was flattered that a girl was interested in him and was so young that it didn't occur to him that there were lots of girls that were interested in him other than her! The casually dated for three months until he finally made up his mind to dump her. He was anxious even then about hurting her feelings so waffled on how to do it for about a month. At the end of the month she told him she was pregnant. He was extremely upset, understandably and broke up with her then. They stayed on good terms for years, but she didn't date and he turned down girls because he felt like he couldn't handle it all (being 19, a new dad, a college sophomore and dating). When his son was a little older he felt better and like he had a handle on the single dad thing. He started dating a friend and BM went through the roof. He weakly responded to her psychotic outbreak (creating a horrible precedent for me to stumble into, unknowingly and blind) and agreed to get back together for their sons sake. His girlfriend understood and stayed friends with him. So, the first time they were together, he was very unenthusiastic and kind of along for the ride and really young, stupid and immature. He made the mistake of trusting her about birth control and because she's a sociopathic liar, they wound up being way too young parents. The second time they were together, he focused on the family and being a dad aspect and kept romance out of it completely. He went through the basic motions, but for Christmas they got each other things like toiletry kits and sock organizers. She had no interest in his interests and didn't know what to get him (or just didn't bother) and she had no interests and he didn't care so her presents sucked too. Their relationship (second go around) was very weird. I noticed right away that something was off and wrong. They were really cold and aloof with each other and never touched or came closer than a casual acquaintance would. He told me that their relationship was like roomates with unpleasant, obligatory sex thrown in every once in a while. He really cared about creating a family for his kids (the second one was the result of another lie and H being way too trusting). H also told me, after a lot of thought and discussion, that he had a hero complex about BM and had an overwhelming feeling of obligation and duty towards her. She was such a mess and very financially irresponsible that he constantly had to swoop in and save her. Over years he realized that his duty and obligation were owed to his kids, not her. He also realized that it wasn't helping her to enable her bad behavior. He was saving her from the consequences she needed to grow as a person and become responsible. She is now facing them for the first time as an adult and the fact that this irresponsible creep is partially responsible for two small humans is terrifying.

When it came to me, H said it was the first adult choice he had made in his life. In our case, we got to know each other really slowly and as platonic friends. I thought I had no chance with him, so I let him see my really dorky and nerdy sides early on and was unselfconscious about acting silly and goofy around him. I dressed nicely of course, and always had cute hair and makeup and tried to look my best, but that's part of my normal routine anyway and I was very relaxed around him, considering that I started falling for him immediately. We became best friends and extremely close emotionally if not at all physically. We touched three times (other than accidental hand brushes at work and stuff like that) on purpose during our whole pre-romance friendship. I remember each time because touching him was electric and even though they were platonic and basically nothing more important than shaking hands, I remember each and every time (and it turns out they meant the same to him!). One of those was one day when we did a "pinky swear" and crossed our fingers and shook. It was over some silly little bet or something, but we actually have an anniversary of our "pinky swear" day and we know the day because he went home and put a tiny heart on the day in his planner!!! Anyway, I think that we were so committed and perfectly suited for each other and ready to get married because we spent more time together than most dating couples do and we were both ourselves and very open and trusting with each other. From his perspective, I was sort of the catalyst that made him decide to go ahead and leave BM, not because he was leaving an ugly troll for a huge upgrade (well, he was, but that's not my point) but instead because he realized that he might actually be able to be happy with someone that he actually liked and respected and was attracted to. He went from feeling miserable, trapped and resigned to realizing that he could choose freedom and a partner that he actually wanted and so he went for it and broke up with her. He knew he was going to dump her eventually, but was putting it off (he is a huge avoider, unfortunately, but now has a wife to poke him in the butt if he needs a jump start) because he was worried about how it would affect the kids. His main concern was actually about the kind of guy that BM might bring around the kids. He finally decided that sacrificing his happiness for that possibility was ridiculous and he knew that his kids were old enough to handle it. He also knew that I loved kids and had a lot of experience with them and that I didn't mind that he came with baggage (I had no idea of what I was getting into then!!!) Basically, I am everything that she isn't and more. From the day he told me his feelings we were fully committed and he couldn't marry me fast enough. Both of us were not interested in marriage and I never had the wedding fantasies that most women seem to have. I thought I would die alone, with seven loving cats and fifteen spoiled nieces and nephews, but that all changed! H thought he would wait out a couple of years with BM until the kids were old enough to deal and then leave her and be a single, celibate dad living alone and being devoted to his kids. We are so not the marriage types that it's hilarious that I wound up being the first married of my sisters (I was the nerdy tomboy who spent her summer days popping tar bubbles with bare feet and getting pine sap in her hair, while her sisters put on fashion shows and dressed up our long-suffering cat in frilly clothes and pushed him around the block in a pram)

Anyway, my long and drawn out point is that SMs don't need to worry a bit about comparing ourselves to the BMs in regards to being with our H's. There is usually a damn good reason that they left them (or sometimes the reverse) and are with us now. One of my bridal shower gifts was a t-shirt that said, "Upgrade." that my friends had made for me. I never wear it except for pj's, but H thought it was hilarious. We are put in this strange position of being compared to and comparing ourselves to these women that have no ties to us other than that we are raising their children and living with men they used to sleep with. It's very weird when you think about it, and we have no more reason to obsess over them than we do over every ex-girlfriend our guys have dated. The only difference between BM and H's other ex-girlfriends are that they didn't get pregnant (oh, and they weren't crazy and ugly either). I know one of H's ex-girlfriends pretty well and she is great and a friend of both of ours. I'm totally fine with H hanging out with her alone, even though he always wants me with him anyway. She is waaaay prettier than BM, and is very funny and smart, but I don't obsess about her or compare myself to her. If she had been a compulsive liar like BM, I could be raising her kids now and I wouldn't have the BM problems I have now. She can't stand BM either and we bond a lot over bitching about her (Ex-GF knows her as well and has a little dramatic history of her own with BM). Anyway, I think it's really fun to compare and make lists, but for anyone who feels bad or anxious about comparisons to the BM or anyone who is obsessing over why H/BF was with her and why was his taste so bad and does that mean i'm like BM...etc...? Please don't worry and use the comparison to see that your H has grown up and learned what he doesn't want (his ex) and now knows what he does want (you). In many cases, the dad never married the original ho, and when he did it was for the wrong reasons. Second wives (or first wives after long-term gf's) are usually with someone who has been through a lot and knows what he likes, who he is and what he wants in life. They choose to be with us. Not because we got pregnant and tried to trap them, but because they fell in love with us, plain and simple. In some cases, our H's did love the BMs at some point or even married them, but that was in the past and not worth thinking or worrying about. They are with us now and it's me who climbs into bed every night with H and gets kissed goodbye every morning when he leaves for work. If my obsessing stops being fun and gets upsetting or depressing, I just refocus and get my perspective back.

Phew, that was a lot off my chest, but way fun. Great topic! It got me thinking about my self-image related to BM and how that has been a change in my life since I married H. I think it is probably a pretty common issue among SMs, but I haven't seen it discussed that much on here, so kudos for suggesting the topic! As usual, I have rambled on way too long, sorry! Signing off now, StepMadre

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

Well, I know why my DH choose BM. The truth is she chose him. She was 25 and he was 16. He couldn't believe that someone that old wanted him. Despite that fact that she looks like a dog in the face, she has a nice figure and still to this day after having 6 children!(But let me state that she doesn't have custody of 1 of them!) We all know what goes through a 16 year old's head when it comes to girls so need to elaborate on that one. My DH stayed with her for 10 years. He truly did love her despite the fact that she cheated on him with friends and strangers, would disappear for days on end and leave him with their kids and her kids. He had a rough time with her. The things we have in common are we are both dark skinned, we both have children not by DH, we both act pretty prissy (so I'm told), and we both speak correct english. Where we differ is I'm ambitious, she's not, I'm a high school graduate, she's not, I'm a current college student, she's not, I've always worked, she hasn't, (my husband dropped out in the 11th grade to get 2 full-time jobs to take care of her and the kids because she did not work, and the list goes on. I believe my DH chose me because he knew that with me we could achieve the american dream and not live on Welfare. My DH told me that he never had to buy groceries with money until he got with me because BM was always receiving some type of assistance. Yeah, I struggle but even when I was single, I was making and still am continuing to make a life for my kids that doesn't include welfare assistance.