I don't want my stepson around.
My partner and I have been together since his son was six months old... he's four years old now. There was no relationship between my partner and the biomom, just friends who did it one night and she got pregnant.
My partner is a wonderful loving man who's always been a responsible and enthusiastic father. He pays his child support and is consistent in being there when he say he's going to be there. We have his son almost every other week for three nights. We'd probably have him more if it wasn't for my partner's work schedule. He works out of town and flys home every 14 days for a week.
I'm finding that I prefer the time his son is not with us and that I can't wait for him to go home to his mom. He's always been a sweet little boy. Everyone who meets him thinks he's a well mannered, kind little boy. He is. I really don't have much patience for him especially when he gets whiny. Children are demanding in general. Bottomline is that I don't accept him. I keep wishing it was just me and my partner. But that's not reality.
It's really creating a wall between my partner and I. I feel trapped... yet I have a loving family who just wants my love.
I came from a blended family. By the time I was living with stepmom #2, I was 12. She had her own son who was 9 years young and I never really felt apart of the family. Her son was treated so much more favorably than I was.
It's funny being in a stepparent situation... seeing it from the other side. I feel angry alot.
Life can either make you bitter or better. I'd really like to be better vs. bitter.
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Thanks Crayon
That may be the case that this may not be the best fit for me. However, I do see a huge potential for personal growth and grace if I am able to open up to the love of my SS and return it.
The biomom is nice. She's very appreciative to both my partner (BD) and me. I am resentful of the fact that she continued with the pregnancy in general. We'll never have a first child, always have the time and financial burden of the child. However, I do appear to be the only one who doesn't want this child.
Why do you always
Why do you always have to spew PAS??? Yes, it's a real problem, but not every.single.family deals with it. Not every single BM alienates their children from their father. Sometimes fathers even alienate the mothers. GASP!! And sometimes, it's not really even PAS, it's just kids don't want to go around the other parent if that parent is a jerk.
Jesus, can you BE any more negative?? Do you EVER have anything positive to say?
“Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either”~Aesop
Crayon, please
I see nothing in this post that indicates PAS as a relevant factor. We have to remember that not all bio moms try to turn their children against the father.
Westren, do you hope to someday have children with your boyfriend? Are you afraid that perhaps what you saw in your blended family situation would happen if you and your BF had children together? Are you afraid that his son would be favored over the other (your) children?
Your BF's son sounds like a peach. I think you need to figure out where your resentment stems from and go from there. Good luck.
Thanks Sasha.
Thanks for your reply and good luck. I think some counselling would be a good idea.
Yes, I'm afraid to have children with my partner for that reason. I know I would love my child more. It seems unavoidable especially realizing the lack of a bond I feel with my SS. Also, I wonder if I have enough patience for a child. I really enjoy my freedom and independence. Children require so much attention and tie you to home. On the otherhand, it could be a wonderful. Everyone who I know who has had children also say it has it's challenges but it's worth it.
No way
but it seems to me that about 80% of biomoms put out PAS in some sort or another
Not even close to the truth.
“Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either”~Aesop
Crayon is speaking from
her own life experiences...you can't tell her that most of the biomoms she has met or known about or been told about don't exhibit some traits of PAS. You CAN tell her that in your experience there aren't many Biomoms that exhibit PAS.
I'm sure her goal is not to be purely negative...her goal(if I could take the liberty to speak for her)is simply to make sure this nice original poster knows EXACTLY what she could possibly be getting into with this child and the biomom.
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
You make a lot of presumptions
And I'm betting they're usually wrong.
“Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either”~Aesop
Crayon
I've been here for nearly a year and you're just now noticing me?
Let me tell you something...I came here to learn and was very open with everyone about my reasons for being here. You have left such an ugly taste in my mouth about stepmothers and it's sad because I know (pray) that they're not all like you. I try very hard not to read anything you write but sometimes it's not avoidable.
“Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either”~Aesop
My SS irritates me
His father and I have been together since he was 4. SS drives me insane, I don't like having him here. When he is here, I want to hide or leave. I can't wait until Friday when he goes back to his mother's house. He expects everyone in the world to kiss his ass and I'm not that kind of parent. I don't treat my 2 year old like an infant and I refuse to do it for him so the weeks he is here are getting harder and harder... Oh and when I first started taking care of SS7 he was a great kid, super sweet and respectful, now he's a pain in the ass, disrespectful, rude, little brat
Good luck, just wanted you to know I share your feelings
Westren, if I'm reading this
Westren, if I'm reading this correctly, it seems there is no real reason for you to dislike this little boy other than he's taking time alone away from you and your DH and it's an effort to be loving to him. Why is it that you are just now resenting him after all this time if H is a good daddy and he's a well mannered boy? I'm sensing some selfishness and you not really wanting to be a mom or at least, a stepmom.
IMO, I think you need to make a decision. Decide to except him and love him or get out while that boy is still little and hopefully not yet aware of your resentment towards him. Do you want him to end up being an angry adult all because YOU couldn't treat him fairly and resented his very existence? This is not fair to him.
I know this was brutally honest. I'm sorry if this hurts and I know it wouldn't be an easy decision. I also know it will probably be harder to stay and commit to accepting this boy as part of the package and love him as he deserves.
If PAS (as Crayon suggested) or 'guilty daddy' syndrome happens later, well, that's a different issue.
LovingLife, Thanks for you honesty...
I couldn't agree more. That's an accurate picture. Not accepting my SS and the situation, has been an issue for a long time and it really hurts my partner's feelings. I've been trying to overcome these feelings of flight when SS's around and shutting down. My partner and SS bring so much love into my world. I am definately struggling with myself and taking it out on them.
Bought books: 7 Steps to Bonding with Your Stepchild and The Courage to be a Stepmom.
With these books and some counselling, I hope to be a better person in my relationship with both my parter and SS. They're definately worth it...
Thanks!
Best of luck to you Westren.
Best of luck to you Westren. I hope the books help. I really have no advice on HOW to love the boy or accept the package. I guess it just has to be a consious effort and an attitude change and it doesn't always come naturally.
I understand about it hurting DH's feeling. That's understandable. But hopefully he will be patient, understanding and forgiving about it.