Letter to DH
DH,
I can't win.
If I try to voice my opinion and be an actual parent to my SS (which ALSO means wanting to deal with BM and make her own up to what she agrees to, by the way), I'm told I'm nagging, I don't understand how hard it is to say no to her, I'm not a real parent, it's different when you have your own, etc. You also say I'm too strict with him when I make him ACTUALLY follow rules and have consequences for his behavior. You gripe because I don't let him hang all over me, I make him say "please" and "thank you", I don't let him give excuses, and I don't spend an hour trying to "reason" with a 6 1/2 year old.
So I say fine. I will back off. I will still try to love and interact with SS when he is with us and on our time. And I will keep my mouth shut about BM and let you deal with her in your own way. BUT, if you decide to not make her stick to the agreement, I will not deal with the consequences of your actions or BM's actions anymore. If you drop everything to pick him up early because he a) has a sniffle b) is driving her crazy c) is doing nothing and she is tired of playing mom, then YOU can find someone else to watch him if you have to work, YOU will take him to the doctor, YOU will deal with that decision. I cannot sit around on my hands not making plans or putting my life on hold because she might change her mind at the last minute and we might take him back early. If you don't want to put your foot down, that's fine. Just don't drag me into it. I married you because I love you and I want us to try to be a family. THAT is what I signed up for. I did not sign up to be BM's personal slave. She is a grown woman and if everyone keeps telling her yes, then she will never grow up. She may not regardless, but she will never try if she always has a way to make excuses and be lazy. YOU are enabling her right along with everyone else.
I understand making sacrifices for your child. Even though SS is not my child, I make sacrifices every day on his behalf. I don't eat out every day. I come up with menu plans and grocery lists to cut costs. I ask my own mother to watch him because I know how bad of an influence your family is on him, even when I know he will drive her crazy. I am at my job because of him. I am not going back to school right now because of him. I am in need of lots of dental work, new clothes, and new glasses because of him. I am in COUNSELING because of him. But I will NOT give up my health and my sanity for him anymore because in the end, he is NOT my son. If you want to do that, then that's your right as his parent. But stop putting a guilt trip on me because I'm not going to just throw my hands up and take it anymore like I've been doing for the past 3 1/2 years.
But you disagree. You say I'm being selfish. That "stepparent" means I signed up to be a "parent". That your stepdad sacrificed EVERYTHING for you, and that I should do the same for my SS. You're angry and act like I don't care about our marriage or SS because I'm doing this.
Well, newsflash. Your SD never had to deal with your BF. Your SD and BM had total control over your life and how you were raised. It IS different no matter what you say. If SS's BM wasn't in our lives, I wouldn't feel this way. But you let her run all over you and in the end, she's going to poison you and SS with her drama, and I'm not going to let her do it to me anymore.
I love you and SS and will try harder to support you and SS as much as I can. But I'm not going to lie and say I agree with your decisions when I feel they are wrong.
In the end, I've got to be able to love myself too.
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Comments
Sorry
I think you should go spoil yourself.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
Popgoesmybraincells
Nice letter!! I really think you should give it to him! It's not saying you don't care ... it's saying you care too much to be treated the way you are.
If you are planning on showing that to DH (and I think I would)... I would only suggest 2 things...
1. I would take out the part about "NOT my son"... only because I think if your DH sees it he will shut down. Instead, I might write I'm not going to give up my health and sanity anymore because my help is only appreciated when it fits into everyone else's perceptions of what my place SHOULD be.
2. Take out the reference to his family. Again, I think he'll shut down.
The reality is, you care. You've been trying to be "part of the family" your DH wants you to be. But then, he's putting restrictions on how much of the family you can be part of. He's trying to confine your interactions. He's saying, you can parent this... but not that. That's not how it works. You are right!
Good luck! If you give it to him, please let us know how it goes!!
He refers to his family like that
Thanks for the advice. #1 I agree with. #2 I'm not sure on, because he's the one who refers to his family that way. But of course, it could be a case of, "It's OK for me to say this, but not you." so I will think about it.
"Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil." - Jerry Garcia
Your DH may never see that
Your DH may never see that he is enabling BM. He may never agree with your view on how to parent SS.
As long as you're satisfied with the job you're doing, don't feel bad.
RE you needing dental work, glasses etc B/C of SS....
don't blame a 6yr old child, blame DH. I learned that my skids had NOTHING to do with my unhappiness; it was all DH. He allowed certain things to go on, he put us in a huge financial strain and he let BM and skids walk all over him. It was easier for me to blame "them" b/c I love DH. But the truth is, most of the DH's out there don't realize how much us SM's are hurting until we have an uncontrollable outburst and by that point they only view us as "crazy" or unstable. (can you tell I've been down THAT road? lol)
I know it sucks when your opinion doesn't count or your voice isn't heard. Just love your SS the best you can, and remind DH that you can only give just that; your best.
"I aint no Carol Brady"
MzMasi
Important point!! And you are absolutely right!!
Mzmasi is 100% correct
When BM's or skids are out of control it is almost always the enabling of the DH causing the chaos. So many people direct anger towards the Ex and the kids when they should be ripping DH a new one.
I agree that when you marry a person with a child you are in a sense signing on to be a parent to that child. The problem with that theory is the humongous double standard. You can babysit, run around to practices and appointments, cook their food, clean their clothes, help pay for their needs BUT you can not be in the family birthday pic, sit with the family at the wedding, go to school open houses, go to PTA meetings. I'm either a PARENT or I AM NOT.
I'm lucky. I have a hubby that includes me in all aspects of his childrens lives. I am custodial stepmom to his kids so I need to be involved. I know not everyone has that kindof support and I really think it's unfair. Youre damned if you damned if you don't.
Having a baby does not make you a mother.
He gets so defensive
Thanks so much, and that's definitely a good point mzmasi.
I think I take it out on BM and SS because they don't really "fight back." I don't have to fight it out with them like I do DH. DH acts like he's non-confrontational, but for some reason he's different with me. DH gets so defensive and bent out of shape when I call him out on stuff, and uses the excuse that "popgoesmybraincells doesn't understand how hard it is." He is so intimidated by BM and acts like she's some formidable creature that he can never win against. He's actually scared of her and I don't understand why. Yes, she's cruel. Yes, she's evil. She's violent. But he has this fear that just because she's the mom, she can play the "poor me" card and he will be screwed because he's the father and fathers always get screwed in today's society.
We have primary custody. We pay everything for him. We don't even get child support from her, and she only sees him on weekends during the school year, half of breaks and 2 weeks in the summer. Her life is in such shambles that I don't think it's likely that she can take SS away from us, but that's his fear. I'm not saying it's IMPOSSIBLE (crazier things have happened), but I don't see why we have to walk on eggshells around her because he's afraid of that.
What she's going to do is work on PAS with SS as much as possible (which she already does). She is not helping with his problems functioning in society and in a regular classroom. DH now says "I don't think it's her fault and taking her away from him isn't going to make a difference." Oh yes it will. Peace in our home! If she's in jail for being a deadbeat, there's no more 20 gazillion calls because he's running a low fever or he's not eating for her or she can't control him. No more rearranging our schedule to accomodate her. No more fighting with her when he asks her to own up and be a mother. The less SS is around her, the less he will see violence, inappropriate movies, and unstable homes.
Whether she works on alienating him from us over the next 12 years or she goes into full-force now because DH makes her own up to her responsibility, it's still going to happen.
Another question: why does he have to fight with her? He says that I can tell him what to say and not be supportive to his unwillingness to push the issue with her because I don't have to deal with her. But he doesn't have to either. What is so hard about telling her how it's going to be and not listening to her excuses? It's called hanging up the phone and not answering when she keeps calling. Ignoring her...WHY is that so hard?
"Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil." - Jerry Garcia
It's tough. If you would
It's tough. If you would have told me 5 years ago that my life would be the way that it is today I would have laughed and even offered to buy you a drink for the moment of humor.
It is what it is. I'm a SM to 3 kids who aren't bad, but they are, at times, my biggest competetor. Of course I have to remember to snap back to reality and remember that when I'm fighting with DH we're the ones competing. If I "win" then that means he "loses". Neither of us want to be the loser so round and round we go in this power struggle. In the end, we both feel like losers; I'm hurt and he's sulking.
I can honestly say that BM isn't a horrible person. Compared to Goodmoms BM and several others ours is like the Pope. She makes a request, and DH is ready and willing to do whatever she wants, even if it is a bit absurd. I can't blame her for making the request, she's entitled to ask for anything she wants. Do we have to jump to her beck and call? NO. DH has gotten better and tells her he has to discuss things with me, though judging by the tone of her voice she feels very threatened that he consults me. I'm his wife, he's supposed to!
Don't give up. The more you reject your SS, the more DH will feel rejected by you, since SS is his child.
Just getting it off my chest :)
We don't pay BM. We actually have primary status. It's joint custody, but my husband is the primary in the court papers, and we actually have him about 70% of the time. She SHOULD be paying us, but that's another argument altogether.
I'm so not explaining things well, forgive me. For the 3 1/2 years I've known SS, he's had major behavioral issues. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and PDD-NOS (high functioning autism). He is taking 3 medications which cost us about $250 a month, and he's about to start weekly therapy visits (again). We've probably spent thousands of dollars on evaluations, therapy, medicine, and new daycares (when he's gotten kicked out of the old ones) over the years. We also spend about $1500 to take her to court last year to get a more concrete custody agreement. In that agreement, it states that while my husband is responsible for insurance, SHE is 50% responsible for anything not covered, such as deductibles.
I'm frustrated because she won't pay. I'm mad because they are not following the agreement. I'm really pissed off because my husband refuses to find another job or do anything to offset SS's high medical bills, NOR does he plan to go after her for her portion. And I am furious because when DH tells her she needs to start helping, she says, "Well, I didn't tell you to get a job and take him off of TennCare." What kind of lazy loon SAYS THAT? Oh, I'm sorry BM that DH actually works for a living and provides for himself and his family instead of taking advantage of low-income healthcare by claiming he can't work. We can't ALL be like you.
I think the root of it all would be that if the therapy worked (his other therapist stopped seeing him because she didn't know what else to try), or if the medicine helped, or if I felt like SS had improved in any fashion, it would probably be different. And I did feel differently from about Feb.-May of this year, when it seemed he was improving. But now SS's right back where he started, and I'm at the end of my rope. He's physically violent, and attacks teachers and family when he doesn't get his way.
And SS is already starting with the excuses when we ask him why. "I can't control myself." "I can't help it." "I don't know." Now, where does a 6 1/2 year old get that? We never say anything like that in front of him, so hmmm, I bet I can figure it out by using the initials...BM!
"Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil." - Jerry Garcia
I think I was reading a letter to my DH
Man, I could have written that letter myself to my DH! My DH has catered to BM and used to jump through all her hoops as to not make waves. Just because they have a kid with them we are supposed be expected to take the backseat? NOPE! Good for you for setting boundaries! You have to in order to stay sane and healthy! My ss also wants to cuddle and hang on me all the time but he my dear is 10 not 6 1/2! They do that because they are insecure children STARVING for attention. I'm not saying cuddling and showing affection is bad but this is over the top I am going to hang on you because that is THE ONLY way I know how to get attention!!! Also what you said about stepparents who don't have a biological parent to deal with...it is so much harder when they are in the picture. My DH thinks I'm supposed to love my stepson like he was my own and it's just never going to happen. I don't even like him half the time let alone love him. And I feel bad about that but it just is what it is. I think our DH's need to cut us a little slack sometimes! We are doing the best we can in what would be a difficult situation for anyone.