I too would feel used, abused, angry and dammit grouchy too! I don't understand the parents that defend their children knowing that they are wrong.... I just wasn't raised like that.... when I was teenager and started smoking pot and whatnot, my mom and dad told me that I could follow their rules.... or get out of their house! There have been many times that I have done wrong and my parents took a firm stance AGAINST me.... I hated them for it at the time but respect the hell out of them now knowing how hard that must have been for them.... It has taught me accountability, I have learned that if you are going to do the crime, you'd better be ready to do to time.... My dh's ex was never taught these things and it really shows, to this day her parents defend her to no end.... defend her cheating, lying, etc. Dh's ex is 28 years old and lives at home with her mom and dad along with her adult sister, her sister's kids, her adult brother, and her adult brother's girlfriend..... These 'kids' will never grow up, will never be independent, will never understand consequences, will never take responsibility, and will never progress the way one should because they have never had to.
My point is that you are not wrong.... your ss needs to take responsibilty for his actions and face the consequences.... not be sheltered by his mommy.... the fact that he does not see it as a serious offense to sleep with a minor is scary....

Homer, there's no way. She doesn't have respect for authority. Her kid does not have respect for authority. I hate to say this, but they don't have respect for you. You have every right in the world to not have your son around this. As far as what happened at work, that's complete bullshit.

Please, put your hand down your pants, double check that you have balls, then go home and speak your mind.

Please keep us posted as to what happens tonight.
Best wishes - Jo

"May the forces of evil get confused on the way to your house." George Carlin

How old was the minor in question? Are we talking 19 and 17? 16? Because I have to admit, unless this is in regards to a child 15 or under, I don't know that I'd be treating this any differently as the parent. Yes, he should've abided by the law, and yes, he should be sorry that he did such a stupid thing. But...he is a kid. Some statutory rape laws are harsh and I personally have seen young kids become labelled as sex offenders for very similar reasons and this is just simply not the case.

However...I too would be concerned about my biological child. Perhaps all of the stress has caused you to lost your cool a little...you reaction was a bit extreme but given the circumstances, you are right to be frustrated. You must feel that to your wife and her son, everything is a joke and nothing is to be taken seriously. So, I'd probably get angry too in your case.

Just sit back and try to get some alone time. Think about what you really want out of life and if you can figure out a way to get it. If you honestly feel like all of your integrity is lost on the marriage, it's not looking good. Integrity is all that we have at the end of the day...the good things in life don't ever compromise that.

Best,
Krissy

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
I have been a Deputy Sheriff and I have been a Police Officer for several years now as well as a former Paramedic of 8 years.In my time spent in these positions, I have seen to many times the effect of abuse of every kind and what effects the abuser has on their on families, especially when they have no remorse for their actions. I have held these positions in 3 different states and in all of these states there are laws in place to protect children from sexual predator's/offenders. Most states mandate that any person who has commited a sex offence, first and foremost upon release, must register with the Sheriff's Department and Local Police Department as to where they will be residing. Most states now mandate that a registered offender cannot live within a designated distance(this distance can be different from state to state or county to county) of any area where children would be such as school's, park,s ect. To further complicate your issue's with ss , most state's will not allow minor children to live with or have visitation in a home where a registered sexual predator/offender resides. Not only could your ss cause you to lose ANY chance of getting custody of your bs, but if ss comes back to live in your home with you/wife, it is possible that you will no longer be allowed any overnights and/or in home visitations with bs. You might be put in a position that would require you to stay at a hotel or family members home when you have your visitations. The best thing you can do for your family and your bs right now is find out what the law is in your county/state, in regards to registered sexual offenders/predators residing in a home where a minor child is residing/visiting at times as well....Just my advice for your protection and the protection of your bs.

But that's coming from a grouchy bitch, so take it for what it's worth.

Seriously, it's not much of a marriage if you find yourself sacrificing your dignity, morals and self worth just to stay in it, not to mention the well-being of your small child. Your spouse is supposed to build you up, not tear you down. (Spoken from the ruins of my own marriage...)

I don't blame you for not wanting your impressionable young son around this jerk. I thought he needed to leave permanently a long time ago. I'm a firm believer in putting the marriage first, because a happy marriage will help to ensure happy, healthy, well-adjusted children, but if it's gotten to the point where you are sacrificing your child's well-being, as well as your own sanity, to stay in a marriage that's not really a marriage, well, who could blame you for jumping ship? If you want to get nitpicky about it, isn't SHE the one who first starting putting HER SON ahead of the marriage and family?! I think she's had ample opportunity to either straighten him out or give him the boot. She's not ever going to do it and expecting different from her when she's given you so little reason to expect different from her is insane.

You're a nice guy... but you know what they say about nice guys!

~ Anne ~

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot

Steamed, I am sorry that you are having to put up with this kind of behavior from your SO. She is not helping her son out by defending him at all. I too have a teenage son and I din't think that I would be treating this very lightly. Her attitude about this is going to send a very clear message to him.
Does she have any other kids?
I would not want my kids around this kind of behavior either. The marriage must come first. If you are united then it is better for all. Bio and step.
It sounds like you guys need to have serious heart to heart and get on the same page.
I wish you well.
Georgie

I'm awfully awfully sorry to hear it. I was really rooting for you.

I haven't read anyone else's comments, so sorry if I repeat anyone, but I guess it's just as well to hear it again, if that's the case?

My gut tells me that's it's just too late for your wife and SS. My feelings on this is that your wife will not deviate from her baby, and after all, it is HER baby. She will never put YOUR MARRIAGE FIRST, it will always be her son before you, no matter what. He needs rescuing, and she's always going to come to his rescue because that's the dynamic between the two of them. And with that, the marriage was set up to fail regardless... any counselor will tell you... it's marriage, children, than career. Without the foundation, you can't raise the children, and the career is the building block.

In light of that, my other gut feeling is that your wife probably needs rescuing herself, therefore, expects of you to come to her aid at any whim, without regard that you are a human with your own emotional feelings, ideas, and desires... that's beside the point in her mind. I only say this because looking at the so far mother-son dynamic, it only stands to reason that she's expecting the same. This is a sure fail relationship.

Funny how she's content to press the issue in a 'humorous' way, when you and I know damn well that it wasn't meant to be humorous but push your buttons because SHE feels burned. It's all from her angle of things, and she's only ever going to see things from her angle, I'm afraid. It was pure vicious, vindictive behavior on her part to get a rise out of you, which you know that. Totally and utterly uncalled for and immature. There is no sugar coating it. Humorous or not, it was meant to purely 'burn you'. Woman are emotional creatures, therefore, if she can emotional scare you first, than it's easier for her to deal with. It's all defense right now.

The way I look at this is, the choice is a hard one, but you have to start to ask yourself some very hard hitting questions. How do you want to spend the rest of your life? I think it may even be in your best interest to contact a lawyer and just get some advice for yourself.

Personally, I think it's a lose-lose situation right now. If your SS gets convicted, does his time, than ends up back in your home at end of his term, or gets probation, there are laws that dictate sex offenders which will impact your chance of custody if SS is to live with you because your son won't be allowed around him. Either way, you either lose your son or lose your wife... but I already think you have lost your wife, personally.

I'm so sorry and this is absolutely hard. I do hate to be soo negative, but sometimes we just need a nudge to see things we aren't willing to see. I do hope it all works out for you.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Steamed I think your marriage needs to be over.

The kid is going to be a convicted sex offender. And he will be living in your house because your wife always puts him before you and your son, and nobody will hire a convicted sex offender felon, and that's making the wild leap that the kid will try to get a job. I'm not surprised he is having sex with an underage girl, given his level of maturity (probably below hers!) but still it is a crime. Once you have a convicted sex offender in your house, your address and that fact will be on the internet and the whole neighborhood will hate you and cause you problems. You don't deserve that.

Get out of this marriage quick. You will NOT BELIEVE how relieved you will feel once you go home to a quiet and peaceful house that his not full of freeloading idiots that have not respect for work, responsibility, and the law. Your life will be nicer, believe me. You are a good guy with good values - you will find a woman like that. They are out there, I promise.

One thing I can guarantee - your wife will not change. Nobody changes in meaningful ways (such as reponsibleness, work ethic, morals, etc) over the age of about 8. Sorry but it's true. SS won't change either. He will continue to cause trouble for himself and everyone around him, she will continue to think that is OK. I don't know what attracted you to her in the first place - maybe it was looks or something similar. Probably it was not values. Look for that next time.

Quit hoping that wife will be on your side, and make SS be responsible and get out of your lives. Ain't gonna happen. No way. Never.

Good luck, I'm cheering for you.

Nellie