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Just a rant

HeatherM's picture

Submitted by HeatherM on Fri, 07/17/2009 - 8:44am

I'm not even really pissed off today, I'm actually happy really... ss is gone on vacation for a month ! Yay... don't mean to sound THAT happy but I am.

I'd just like to have a rant about his mother (BM). I'm not really allowed to parent my ss, as I've mentioned before.. yes.. I'm 'supposed to' but 'not really'... but I feel BM and DH have left me no choice. I would like to 'disengage' ... however BM is NEVER available. She is always out of town on business, or busy doing something else...so I do it ALL... I mean I go to meet the teacher events, I arrange play dates, I even was there for my ss surgery (minor), and she showed up 5 minutes before he was wheeled into the operating room. She missed the tears and terror of being in a hospital..all the things a mother should be there for... You see... I too am a business woman, and I hold a much higher ranking job than she (I'm not bragging, I'm just trying to get a point across). I too have to travel for business, work late hours, etc etc... but you see I plan these things around my children (ss included). I find it hard to listen to her advice about my ss, when she is never around. She just found out recently that he pee'd his pants during the day... because we told her! She's never there to see it. She has 3 other children (all from different dads), and her current flavor oops I mean husband (at least she married this one) does the child rearing during the weeks she has the kids... anyways.. I'm just annoyed by this..because how could I possibly 'step out' of the picture.. or 'disengage' when I'm really the only mother figure? Yet, his mother is the bomb, she does everything for him (in his opinion).. it's just really hard. Most of the parents of his friends have to be corrected that I'm not actually his real mother. With regards to the surgery I mentioned above, I'm the one who suggested it, because I'm the one that noticed he was having troubles breathing properly... no one else noticed! So I actually feel responsible for how my ss grows up, because I've been put into that position, yet I'm not really allowed to give my say. Odd I think.. and frustrating... again this morning I said to him "ss, you are getting less sleep than is required for a 7.5 year old.. getting up at 4am is not healthy for you", which his dad replied "oh well, he's fine"... what message is that sending? Whatever... I need courses on how to let go or something...

Anyways... just a rant.. that's all.

Comments

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Fri, 07/17/2009 - 9:28am

How is your relationship with your SS? Does he appreciate you? Does he notice that you are the only one that "gets it"?

If I could ask you, I would - please don't give up on this child, just because BM is a stupid jerk.

BM over here does NOT have any other children, but she sounds just like yours. Waltzing in at the last minute and expecting all of the "mom praise" to go to her, when she's so far into clueless....

Your DH, sounds a little similar... but it may just be a "new situation". Is that correct? At first, DH over here did most of the parenting for SD. And then I would put in little things or just do the "mom" thing and he gradually, more and more accepted my doing it. And with his acceptance came SUPPORT. When that came up for SS getting up at 4am, did you take your DH aside and point out why it's not healthy for SS? Sometimes, I always hate to say this, but I do think, that some guys just need a little help "seeing" things like that.

Anyway... I hope you enjoy your vacation. And I hope that you and your SS can work things out. I'm sorry, but I think he completely NEEDS you.

bioandstep2009's picture

Submitted by bioandstep2009 on Fri, 07/17/2009 - 9:39am

Yet, his mother is the bomb, she does everything for him (in his opinion).. it's just really hard.

Yep, that sums up my frustration too...

HeatherM's picture

Submitted by HeatherM on Fri, 07/17/2009 - 9:52am

not too bad with my ss. I think inside he knows that I'm always there for him, and in a way I think that is why he resents me. I think he wishes his mother was there. He's only 7.5 so he doesn't see things all that clearly yet, but sometimes I see him thinking. I'm not going to give up on him, however sometimes my hands are tied. My husband is stubborn... I have shown him literature, statistics etc... (him not getting enough sleep is not the only problem), but instead of responding in a positive way, and trying to do something about it.. he thinks I'm nagging, and says things like "Maybe someday ss will be good enough for you". I keep telling him, that's not the point.. that I'm being a parent, and not letting the kid parent himself to which I usually get the response "Yes I'm a bad parent, maybe someday I can be as wonderful as you".. my DH is very inmature that way. So... with regards to giving up on him... sometimes I just want to give up because I have 0% support from his parents. I could list here 1000 things that I've tried to do for this boy, or things I've tried to correct or teach... and all have fallen flat. And now, because he know's Dad is always in his corner, when I say something to him, he completely ignores what I'm saying... because Dad keeps saying "it's ok buddy". Ah well! Thanks Girls for your responses!

bioandstep2009's picture

Submitted by bioandstep2009 on Fri, 07/17/2009 - 10:03am

I'm happy too! My BD is going to be gone to camp and is staying with my parents during that time (closer to camp) and SS is probably going to stay an extra week with BM because of his own extra curricular stuff going on over there. FH and I are SO excited to have all this alone time because we always have at least one of the kids with us! YAY for summer camps!

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Fri, 07/17/2009 - 11:54am

I'm just always one of the last ones to ever promote the "go ahead and disengage" line of thought. Although I can completely see why you would feel that way based on your DH's responses. Reading what you wrote about him, I initially just think he's feeling completely guilty about leaving and bringing his son into a step-situation, which is common. However, I also wonder about the communication skills between the two of you. Where he's looking at your suggestions as "nagging". And you are looking at him like "this is so clear!!! why don't you get it??!!"....

I wonder if the two of you could communicate better and if he could realize he doesn't need to feel guilty when you step in, if that would improve your situation? For example, when you tell him SS needs more sleep, he might "hear" Wow! You just let your kid go without sleep, you're a horrible father!! Not sure if that's his own guilt, or a message from BM?

There are other posters on here, that I think express this tap dance better than I.

I'm glad you are in your SS's life!! I hope that you can work out these issues with DH so that you won't feel so stressed. And in my opinion, don't even give a thought in your pretty head to how BM thinks of your parenting her son. I don't let that affect me over here with SD at all. I won't let her tell me how to parent this child in my home. I do respect that she is the mother and I won't allow SD to disrespect her mom, but I also won't say that I can't approve something just because BM doesn't. It's the DH you need to get on the same page with, in my opinion.

Smile

HeatherM's picture

Submitted by HeatherM on Fri, 07/17/2009 - 1:52pm

Thanks everyone for your feedback, it's great to read!

Stick, my situation isn't really new. I've been with DH since his son was 3, and he's now almost 8. I guess however when he was smaller, I let a lot of things go because he was just a pup...now he's getting to that age where he'll be going on sleep overs, bike riding with friends etc etc... and he's just soo far behind in my opinion.

You're right about the communication bit, and I've thought about counselling. The funny thing is if I talk about my birth son, or our daughter together and say things like "Our daughter got up way too early this morning" he's fine, gives great feedback etc... it just seems he's very territorial about his son (my ss). If BM says, "our son gets up way too early", he AGREE'S with her!!! It's almost like he just doesn't think I know what I'm talking about because the kids not mine! Sometimes watching this kid is like watching a train wreck, and not being able to do anything about it! That is why I sometimes wish I could disengage... however, I know I can't, not fully anyways!