On one hand, it's nice to be able to still feel like I can contribute. On the other hand, I hate that it seems to be when people are hurting. My exFH cheated and had twins in between buying my engagement ring and proposing. Then, he waited 9 months to tell me. Then, while visitation was being denied by BM of the infants, exFH had all these doubts about being able to love his kids. For some reason I no longer understand, I stuck by him. I reassured him, encouraged him, and cheered him on in his court battle to see his kids. 9 months after finding out about the twins, he tells me his kids need to be his priority and that I will never be able to love his kids the way he thought I should and I would never come first. So, I hear you loud and clear.

When someone claims to want a partnership with you, they have to realize it's a balance in these situations. You would be doing a lot of giving. But, so should he and his kids. If they aren't going to, you're probably going to get resentful. It was a hard lesson for me to learn that loving someone isn't always enough. But, you're so smart to realize that sometimes you do have to lose to gain.

I'm sorry for your pain. And, I'm going to repeat my previous advice on this subject. Well, not so much advice as suggestion of what worked for me, as everyone has to heal in their own way. Take three weeks to be mad and hurt and cry. Then, see guys as free dinner and conversation. Date as many as you can keep straight. And, eventually, one will probably sweep you off your feet and treat you the way they should. And, of course, I suggest some drinking sprinkled in there. In particular, I recommend lemon drop martinis with a sugared rim.

Hugs, girl. Let us know how you handle it all and let us support you.

To every thing there is a season.

Only you know when you have had enough. One non-custodial child is tough enough for me, more in your house all the time would quadruple the strain. I hope you get some relief, and peace in your life, very soon!!

"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912

I'm so sorry, but I'm sure you did the right thing. Love is sometimes not enough, especially in these situations. It's one thing to be in love, it's another thing to have the tools and the compatibility to build a life together. Your relationship with your BF didn't have these things. Congratulations for being able to see that. Big hugs and well-wishes for you as you grieve this relationship.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Girl I'm really sorry. Sounds like you have one night left are you going to let your BF change your mind? He thinks it is all your problem - and you know deep in your heart it is not. I am one week out of my relationship with my exFH and it is hard but in a way easier than I thought it would be. Strange isn't it? I cut and pasted from your last post just so you would read this again.

"If this relationship is not giving you what you need and you want you need to make some decisions if you want to continue to put up with it or not because you can talk yourself blue in the face and if your BF has his mind set things will not change. You are only in your 20's - you should be having the time of your life right now. i know you love your BF and it's hard but life is about comprise and he does not want to make the relationship better he just wants you to accept the way things are and shutup about it. Do you love your BF or do you love yourself more? I just got out of an almost 4 yr relationship and I am 40 and I had problems with the BM (not kid) and even after 9mths of counseling and trying to work through all the problems nothing changed - and this was for a man I wasn't even married to. Do you want to spend hours in counseling and waste years of your life with someone that doesn't want to change? I'm sure you are a beautiful young woman and there are a lot of of men (w/out kids) that you could be happy with. As my wise friend here Sasha always says "sometimes love is not enough" I wish you the best of luck. HUGS!"

that really sucks. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Especially since it appears I may be in the same boat as you after all. I don't have any advice to offer except what you already know for yourself; be true to yourself and follow your own instinct. You know what's best for you, even when it really hurts.

Lending you some strength and courage through this very difficult time.

You know what's best for you, even when it really hurts.

Ain't that the truth. I think what happens is we stay in our relationships waiting for the men to see the light. We talk, we cry, we try to explain our POV and it may change for a day or we may get nasty things said to us or like Insight is being told this is the way that it is and SHE has to get used to it. I have been in a lot of relationships in my life and I swear I can't tell you why I fought so hard for this one when I got so little back. My exFH is so self-centered and it is all about him and he can't change or is not willing to even work at it. He went to counseling yeah but what did that do? it brought everything out in the open and instead of discussing his fears and why he was the way he ways he let the counselor give us a plan and he stuck to it. Can you imagine how shocking that was for me? He fooled me and the counselor and at the end he didn't do anything he said he would do and pushed me so far I had no choice but to break up with him and that is what he wanted so in HIS mind he wouldn't be the bad guy. Insight in your case I think your BF is doing the exact same thing. You can't get with the program, it's your problem, your not doing x,y, z. and he doesn't even FIGHT FOR YOU!!! You tell him you are going to leave and he just says where are gonna go? Sounds like a charmer like mine was. It sounds like you have bent over backwards to accomodate him and all he sees is himself and his boys in their own little world. I know it hurts hun but you will be okay. As I said you don't want to be doing this 10 years from now because unless he steps up to the plate and proves to you that he will make changes there is nothing you can do. You need to be away from this man if he loves you he would be doing whatever he needed to do to make this relationship work. Please trust me on this. Take care! You can always pm if you want to talk.

It's hard to know exactly when that point is, where you realize he's just NOT GOING TO GET IT. How long do you give him? How many of your children's years do you give him? How many years of your life do you invest in trying to make things work? Are there even hopeful signs that they will? Communication seems to be the key; if you can discuss things rationally and come to agreements, and stick with those agreements, maybe there's a chance. Maybe not. No idea here, as my FH and I don't even seem to be able to accomplish that.

I applaud the courage of those of you who were able to recognize when things aren't going to get any better. It takes such a great deal of strength and energy to make the decision, then even more to follow through with it. More suffering, but at least there's a glimpse of light at the end. And you know that you'll be at least on a level ground to build upon again. Life does go on.

I'm glad there are so many women here who have experienced both sides. It's great to be able to see that sometimes it can work and there's such great advice available. It's also good to read the experiences of those for whom it didn't work and how they survived the ordeal of leaving. And how much better off they are for it.