I think you should heed your fiance's advice and forget it. He's right. My husband got roped into trying to get custody of his 14 year old because she decided she wanted to live with him. Well, $40,000.00 later, she still lives with her mom.

This. Quite true, sadly but good luck with his pursuit.

"While originally, my fiancee was very forthcoming on eventually getting full custody, hes started becoming very weary of even trying...hes afraid of putting out all that money in attorney costs to just lose because as he puts 'they wont take a child from his mother unless shes a crack addict'."

In our case my wife was granted sole physical and legal custody which is the case in the majority of children born out-of-wedlock.

I agree with Vick, think of getting custody as equivalent to the arms race between the USA and USSR. The one with the best education, income, stable life, safer community, better schools, etc ... will have the advantage in the long run. The key is to keep BMs status as a deadbeat parent on gov't assistance living in an environment that is not healthy for a child front and center with CPS and the courts.

My wife and I included all of these things in our efforts to keep my SS-18s SpermClan on the ropes and minimized as much as possible as an influence on our son. It took several years but we eventually won our "arms" race against the SpermClan. BioDad had to get SpermGrandMa to pay all of his legal bills and living expenses, pay his CS for my SS, raise the younger three also out-of-wedlock spawn in her and SpermGrandPa's home, while my wife and I battled them with our own resources. Ultimately we won the battle because we both finished college, grad school, and professional certifications and had successful professional careers. They were not able to hang financially and could not afford to keep battling us in court.

A voluntarily intermittently employed plumber a retired carpenter and a semiretired secretary/maid can not hang financially.

Though we were never able to completely get rid of them by getting a judge to deny visitation, we were able to kick their asses consistently in court and even got the judges to laugh at their attempts to get custody.

Put a long term plan in place that includes education, career, buying a home in a quality community with highly ranked schools, a high level of Skid involvement in your family and community, safe transportation, long term successful marriage, and a consistent legal attack on BM with a good attorney and Private Investigator and you will likely eventually win for the best interest of the Skid.

Document, document, document is also a good tool and tactic for battling the blended family opposition. Keep a comprehensive dated journal of every conversation with the BM and SKid including stories the Skid shares about BM and life at BMs residence. Record every conversation with BM (in some states it is legal to record your own conversations without notifying the other party so check your state to see what is legal as far as recordings), save every idiot e-mail that BM sends or her family or BF's send, etc.....

A PI report, supporting video and any criminal records of her house mates will be a big help. With what you describe of her I am confident that there is plenty of dirt on her and her housemates that you can use in the custody hearing.

No compassion and no quarter helps also. Regardless of why she is in the position she is in the fact that she can not support herself or her child is huge in a custody battle.

Good luck.

Sadly your FDH is probably right. It is still rare that Dad gets custody unless mom gives it up or is a crack whore. Even more rare is the court overturning primary custody, without CP being COMPLETELY unfit. Although the outspend her has merit...

BM moved 400 miles away without notice when SD was 5. The court told her she had to come back, do transportation for every other weekend vists, plus summer or give up custody. She & her husband moved back. BM's husband made her life miserable. When SD was 10, BM gave up custody to move to the same state even further away (800 miles)because she knew the court would deny the move (especially since the brilliant Stepfather told the court the first time they wanted to move to get away from dad ).

Youngmama, do not give up hope. My DH is a minority, coming from a country the US isn't in great relations with, who follows a religion many Americans hate. Yet, he won custody over a white 'stay at home mommy'.

If you have followed any/all court orders, and the mother has not, that is in your favor. File contempt when she does not follow the order. If you have a more stable home, your favor. If YOU (BD) are being proactive in attempting to enroll the child in a good school, your favor (do not leave this up to a lazy mother). Once the child is in school, if you keep up PT Conferences and other school things, your favor.

We are in NC. NC claims not to favor mothers, but face it, all courts in all states favor the mothers. Our Judge however, got pissed at BM for not being involved in the kids school and not caring about their education, not having them complete homework in her care, not returning books, not attending meetings, etc. Judge got pissed that the mother was still claiming 'stay at home mom' status when she did not have the kids full time (ended up imputing an income on her). Judge got pissed when she saw that mom did not keep up the doctors visits and the kids almost got kicked out of school due to overdue immunizations (which DH got for them, although the mother would not give him the medicaid cards... he went to the Health Dept and got them up to date on immunizations). Judge got pissed (and held mom in contempt) when mother moved the kids in with her boyfriend(which was against the parenting agreement).

Do not give up hope, and fight for the kid. If your DH does not, he will regret it. Even if he loses, at least he did all he could. Although it does help a LOT, you do not necessarily need an attorney. You could also look at the courthouse for self-help, or for a list of attorneys offering bundled services.

exDH had a very good EXPENSIVE lawyer and BM hung herself and basically handed over exSS10. if the mother is not neglecting or abusing the child and she doesn't agree to hand the child over, you probably won't get full custody.

from experience, i would support your DH's decisions but i would not push the issue. if he doesn't want to fight for it, there is a reason.

I've wondered the same thing many times myself, and have gone back and forth over the issue. I feel as though we could be the better parents but I guess as long as no real harm is being done, and the child is adequately provided for.. it is what it is. I think as stepmoms it is especially hard to watch your DH suffer through more pain simply because he is a man.

I think that court is best avoided, we did split week custody even while school started, but it worked for us. Now SD moved away and we are the vacation parent, but when she is old enough she can figure it out, and we'll gladly pay for court if she wants to live with us. Until then, spend the money on memories you can make.. rather than attorneys that suck you dry