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Birthday Party

youngmama1b1g's picture

Submitted by youngmama1b1g on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 7:00pm

BM may or may not be coming.

BACKSTORY: My SS turned 6 earlier this month. Originally, I just wanted to do a big family dinner out on his actual birthday (it was a Friday). When I was asking my SS if he would like a party or to just go out somewhere special for the night- after a hestitation he said "dinner's ok, but- nevermind". I asked him "what is it? what were you going to say?" looking sheepish, he replies "well, I really want a costume party. My mom tried to have one for me, but nobody wore a costume." My heart almost broke, so naturally we're having a costume party this weekend.

THE FIGHT: Well, last Sunday at our Sunday dinner at my MILs- a funny thing happened. My MIL mentioned to me SS "really wants his mom to come to the party". I said "well, he wants all his friends at his moms house to come too, but thats probably not gonna happen either." I basically told my MIL, its not happening, I'm not friends with BM and more importantly I dont want to be friends with her. I'm cordial to her when she drops SS off, but thats it. I dont want her in my home.
Later as we drive home, my husband brings it up too. He's telling me "What if we set a time limit, she only wants to be there for when we cut the cake." I keep reiterating "I dont want her in my home. I shouldn't feel uncomfortable in my own home. Period." I even mention how BM is just flat out rude because of all the times she invited just my husband to events at the place she's living without ever mentioning me or our daughter OR my all time favorite when she invited my husband out for drinks one night. Just thinking about all of the things she's done makes my blood boil as I type, so I'll end that there.

BUT my husband hasn't approached the subject again of whether BM will be attending tomorrow. Knowing my husband and the fact that at the end of the argument he screamed at me "I cant revolve everything around just you! I've got to put my son's feelings first!", I really don't know what to expect tomorrow.

Aside from turning bright red if BM does show tomorrow, I really don't know what I'll do.
I've thought of walking out, but I'm the one who made everything and why should I leave her alone in MY house.
I've also thought of just kicking her out and possibly uppercutting my husband.
obviously both are extremes, but I have a dark feeling that if she does show up, no matter how nice I might intend to be- if she says one rude or seems to be enjoying herself too much- I'm going to kick her out. So frustrating!!! The what-if!!!!

What would you do in my shoes?

Comments

youngmama1b1g's picture

Submitted by youngmama1b1g on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 9:06pm

I would meet her at the door and calmly explain to her that there must have been a miscommunication as she was not invited. "Sorry you misunderstood, but you are not on the guest list. Goodbye."
^^I will use this^^

Thank yo for the reiteration of what I've been saying- the sooner SS realizes his parents have separate lives with separate families and households- I feel the easier it'll be. I was a child of divorce myself and I don't get why the in-laws are always trying to tell me to let her come into my life...oh, but "it's for SS's sake" :sick:

InsistingOnPrenup's picture

Submitted by InsistingOnPrenup on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 7:21pm

I guess sometimes I read posts here and I'm at a loss. Did his ways change after marriage. I would never make my BF uncomfortable in our home to appease ex/SKID. I see that A LOT here. Here's the deal she's not welcome in your home aka your private sanctuary aka your private oasis. Having her in your space upsets your fung shui. She's not invited if you're norms comfortable- no negotiation.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 7:50pm

When I was in your shoes, I allowed BM to attend the party in my home.

Some things are just bigger than me, IMO. The world continued to turn after that day. Smile

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 8:13pm

I'm not sure there is much you can do without looking like the bad guy.

It seems you care enough about your ss to maybe suck it up for that day, although you shouldn't have to, it's not your fault BM's party sucked.

I do think it's wrong of your DH to act the way he is, especially the way BM disrespects you. And I agree with newwife3, the kid's parents ARE divorced.

I honestly don't know what I would do, as it has never been an issue for me. My DH would rather chew his own arm off and beat himself with it than be in the company of BM. This always works in my favor!

supermom5's picture

Submitted by supermom5 on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 8:26pm

Key word, they are "DIVORCED!!" They NO longer have family time...they tried that once and failed (obviously)...why try after a divorce I will never understand! If all parties can get along then maybe not a problem BUT if they can't then it's YOUR OWN right to disagree with it and do as you feel comfortable with! UGH..why can't MEN just respect their wives and LEAVE THE EX'S ALONE???!!!!

youngmama1b1g's picture

Submitted by youngmama1b1g on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 8:49pm

Thanks all for your input!! Helps me to feel I'm not crazy for having issues and gives me new ways to curtail this issue should it arise again.

Further information too:
. DH was never married to BM.
. Now that SS is in school, we only get him on the weekends, previously it was 60/40 (Thursday night to Sunday night).
. We did try inviting her to his birthday party the first year I was apart of the picture. We had some cake and presents at MILs, then went to a bowling alley. BM was more interested in hanging out with SIL, then helping her own son bowl; so we (DH and I) agreed it was pointless to invite her again.
. Every year since that "joint" one, we've had a party at our place, and BM has had a birthday party for him at hers.

youngmama1b1g's picture

Submitted by youngmama1b1g on Fri, 10/19/2012 - 9:07pm

I wondered the same thing.

Especially when BM has been talking more to DH at drop-off and pick-up and being extra friendly. Also, she's been hanging out a lot more with SIL and MIL. What a coincidence

IslandofDreams's picture

Submitted by IslandofDreams on Sun, 10/21/2012 - 11:23am

The BM in your situation sounds like she has some serious boundary issues. It sounds like she is trying to chat up your hubby about things OTHER than SS. I see major red flags on this. She has already proven (previous Bday party she was invited to) that she is more concerned for hanging out with SIL and MIL than spending time with SS at the party. Also, WHO is putting it in your SS' ear that it is OK to have BM at the party?

If your BM was normal and you got along with her, I would say you should consider inviting her. But this is not the case. Your DH should be understanding of your feelings on the situation and not force you into a situation that you feel uncomfortable with. How would he feel if the situation was reversed? Would he be OK with inviting someone over who he is not comfortable with?

At the end of the day, your home is your sanctuary. You should not have to feel like a "suck it up for one day for SS". That is BS. SS needs to understand that there are two separate households who care for him but are totally separate! The expectation must be set with SS now that Daddy's house is separate from Mommy's house.

It seems very simple to me. You and your DH have a Bday party for your SS. BM has her own party for SS.