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How does this sound for starters?

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Sat, 04/20/2024 - 2:20pm

How does this type of idea sound for starters?

you can take my car to dads even on transition days and use it as your own if you want to during the week. If you want to stay over any time you can use the car to come here.. For example if you work a late shift at work or an early one the next day or if you have 600 am practice at school. Just let us know. You should have a discussion with dad about this.

You are getting older now and are almost an adult. You should have more freedom and independence and be able to make some choices about your life. It doesn't have to be exactly 50 percent at moms or dads. At this point its what works for YOUR life and your schedule and what's going on for you. What YOU want to do. It's not up to dad or I to dictate these things at this point. The older you get in life the more it becomes about your decision making on these issues

At this point there shouldn't even be a rigid schedule. You should be more fluid.. Able to come and go between houses with ease. It should never be an issue. 

Comments

Dollbabies's picture

Submitted by Dollbabies on Sat, 04/20/2024 - 2:34pm

It will be interesting to see how dad reacts to this. Do you suppose he's realized that control via the car only works if there's only one car?

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Sat, 04/20/2024 - 2:37pm

Exactly, right?

I don't think he's realized he can't just dictate them forever that they're not little kids any longer 

I imagine he'll text me that he misses them and wants it to be equal. 

I'm still pondering on things and what to do but well see. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 04/22/2024 - 7:26pm

He only controls his property. He does not control on street parking.  Not on his property, he has no control. I can't wait to hear about XH running around with his hair on fire over losing control.

Diablo

StepUltimate's picture

Submitted by StepUltimate on Sun, 04/21/2024 - 12:22am

I like what you wrote for the girls; seems very sane, encouraging, fair, and appropriate. If xH does text you, you could send him the exact same message that you told the girls. He can [continue to] be the *sshole trying to explain otherwise to them. 

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Sat, 04/20/2024 - 4:18pm

GET THIS.. My daughter just sent me a pic from the mall after their work shift of them in glasses. I said it looked nice. She replied that her dad got them as part of a birthday present for them. It's DRIVING SUNGLASSES

I can't make this up....

He got them driving sunglasses for their birthday.. Lol. But they can't drive here 

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Sun, 04/21/2024 - 9:08am

It's already been established that he's petty lol

Good thing he's treating them but his rationale for doing so .....

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 04/22/2024 - 7:28pm

To DDs.

"So, are you allowed to use the driving glasses when you drive here?  Just asking."

Unknw

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Tue, 04/23/2024 - 9:14am

Hehe. I had to say that was my first thought. I good.. Glasses for driving at dad's house lmao

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Sat, 04/20/2024 - 4:23pm

Maybe the girls should say this to their dad, "Hey dad, our mom is going through cancer treatments for having late stage cancer.. Why won't you allow us to have the car sometimes to go see her? 

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Sun, 04/21/2024 - 9:10am

He's a d*ck (extra small micro at that)

Shouldnt have to tell someone that another person has what could be terminal illness for them to pull their head out of their arse and do the right thing

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Sun, 04/21/2024 - 9:17am

Yep for sure. Sometimes I feel like I downplay that I have cancer and never bring it up. Sometimes I feel like I don't speak up for myself or defend myself enough. I need to be better at that. And what I wrote is true. It is painful some days to be honest 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 04/22/2024 - 7:30pm

Facts are neither good, nor are they bad. They are merely facts.  Play them to your advantage. Sit the kids down, reiterate that your cancer is terminal, and that you would like to maximize your participation in their lives with the time that you still have.

Not to manipulate, but to counter the interferance from their father.

 

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Sat, 04/20/2024 - 4:48pm

So I make a third of what he does because I'm on disability etc and he asked me to go in on a car. I replied I couldnt afford it and he said ok then I'll just buy a car for use at my house. Now they've got the car and not allowed to bring it over here. So it doesn't save me any drives whatsoever 

Dollbabies's picture

Submitted by Dollbabies on Sat, 04/20/2024 - 4:52pm

a sweetheart! How do people exist with that big a chip on their shoulders all the time? 

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Sun, 04/21/2024 - 9:15am

That's mean imo

He knows you make less and instead of trying to make this into something that will help daughters all the way across the board. 
 

He only wanted to help them, when they're at his house, and only when it's convenient for himself. 
 

If he really cared he would have asked you to contribute what you can or make your contribution a third since you make a third less. 
 

Now he's got the girls/ladies stressing because he's suffering from small eggplant energy. 
 

Those driving glasses = consolation prize for dealing with his small eggplant energy shenanigans 

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Sun, 04/21/2024 - 10:48am

Ya no doubt. Thanks for the validation. It's hard to be in this situation!!. It makes me feel bad. I think I'll figure it all out eventually with what is best for the kids.

Its good to just feel validated because of all of the feelings that I have. 

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Sun, 04/21/2024 - 12:10pm

I agree he definitely could have approached it differently and I could have contributed 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Sun, 04/21/2024 - 1:33am

I understand your frustration with the situation, but maybe give it a couple of weeks and see what happens. Your ex may get tired of taking the girls to school every day and they may talk to him on your own. In the  meantime, let them know when they can use your car, but don't mention anything else. This may work itself out.

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Sun, 04/21/2024 - 9:05am

I agree with this. I think I shouldnt say or do anything immediately.

I feel it's pretty bad what he's doing however who knows what will play out

 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 04/21/2024 - 9:34am

We just haven't figured out what his reasoning is.?  Not to see you,  BUT going to school DH he doesn't have to drive then.  The car isn't that good. A Mile to school and back is different then 30 to you and back at night.   He's afraid the car will not make it with our repairs $$. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 04/22/2024 - 8:03am

I think this is a conversation you need to have with your EX... 

I think you need to come to a PARENTAL meeting of the minds.  Perhaps you even need to talk about his potential frustration with the fact that you didn't pitch in for the car he bought them.. (though you ARE paying for part of HIS insurance).

The discussions with your girls could be encouraging them to work with their EMPLOYER on not creating conflicts with their dad's custody time.. because that is something that is "within your realm of control"

You can offer up flexibility.. but you cannot do it on dad's behalf.

I think part of the struggle you are facing is that most of the flex will end up in your favor.. the girls will spend more time at your place because that is where the job is.. where the BF is... where school is.  naturally you will "win" more time.  right now.. it seems more one way.  Would you similarly be willing to let your son just stay the night at dad's when he has his music lessons so he could go to school the next day from there? (son's school is there).

 

Maybe the message to your EX is this.

 

EXH, our daughters are 17 and will be able to make their own decisions about their lives very soon.  I think we both need to be more flexible in order for them to juggle their school, jobs and social lives.  I think they are old enough to be able to vary their schedule when it makes sense.  I know you don't want the car you bought to come to my house.  I'm sorry if you are upset that I did not pitch in half, but you full well know my financial position is nowhere near the same as yours.. and helping to pay their insurance is about my limit on that.  What I am willing to do is make my car more available to them.. but I want your agreement that you will consider their requests for variance to the custody schedule.  I'm not going to get in the middle of your discussions with them, but my preference is that we allow them more flexibility.  Will you agree to that?  We can also do this for our son when it makes sense to do that as well.  

 

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Mon, 04/22/2024 - 8:16am

Thank you so much Esmod!! That is EXACTLY how I feel!! I feel like I could word it very similar and it would at least create some movement for us. Right now it really does feel like the kids are placed in the middle of some tug of war between the parents who have varying ideas and it feels like control moves to achieve what we want somehow and that's NOT what I want whatsoever

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Mon, 04/22/2024 - 8:19am

That approach feels very mediator like and agree with having an approach like that. I just don't like how things are

It's still very new too. I do feel like over time this will become more natural and make more sense 

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Mon, 04/22/2024 - 8:21am

I considered offering to pay for a share of his car but only at the proportionate share of my income to his however I feel like this may be a problematic approach because sharing things with him is not usually good... And the car is in HIS name

If it was in our daughters name I might consider it however I just don't know 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 04/22/2024 - 8:27am

I think that going in on the car would likely have been an issue.. who's name it's in etc..  I think what you are offering is that YOU are providing a car to be use.. and that you will allow your car to go to his house is a fine compromise.

He may ask about the insurance issue and you can say that your agent has assured you that under the circumstances.. the car is covered.. and they are covered.  

You can point out that the benefit of the girls driving will take weight of both of you .. but to do that ..  you think both of you need to be flexible.

"They will be 18 before too long... I think letting them make some decisions about their schedule and being flexible on where they stay will be letting them flex that independent muscle with some guard rails.  I don't think we have to agree to every variance they ask for, but sometimes it will just make sense for them to not do all that extra driving.  I wanted them driving to foster independence and part of that will be managing their schedule and I think we both need to try to work with them to be reasonable. but they need both of us to be on the same page with this.. so I'm hoping you agree this makes sense for them now at their age."

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 04/22/2024 - 7:32pm

Had you contributed, he would still be controling though it would have cost him less out of his own pocket.  I would look at finding a deal on a car that they can use that you provide.  See how daddy likes his purchase no longer allowing  him to manipulate since he did not buy it for their use, he bought it for his.

Diablo

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Tue, 04/23/2024 - 9:18am

I'm glad I didn't contribute at this point. I think that would have been a (worse) nightmare. I tried splitting on laptops for the kids once and THAT was a nightmare so I can't imagine what he would do

Eventually I should probably buy a car. For now they're using mine pretty much like their own

They haven't drove it to his house YET. We shall see how this plays out

For the sure by the time they're 18 or done high school I'm going to just tell them there is no custody agreement. The agreement is what YOU want. You can come and go. Work as much or little as you want. Go to uni. I still have a feeling their dad "will miss them". Bonkers I think they will have to live their life at some point regardless of how he wants things to be. They're so close to this point already