How to get the stepkids to like you
Some days they are playful towards me and want to help me cook and clean dishes especially the 7 year old twin boys but other times they are distance and only want to be around DH. If they get hurt they won't let me touch them they will push me away and cry for DH. sometimes they won't even let me hug them they just run and hug DH. With SD9 sometimes she will go shopping with me or brush my hair and other times she walk out of a room if I enter or she will make up stories to BM about how I committed some awful deed against her. I don't get it they are always lovely and playful with DH.
I never try to make them not like me. I try to cook the foods they like and go to places I know they would want to go. I play toys and read books with them and I never raise my voice. I don't understand what more can I do to get them to see I am on their side and I care about them.
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Read my last blog. I am NOT
Read my last blog. I am NOT the reason they divorced DH and I became friends AFTER the divorce and it took a few months before we even started dating. However BM did tell the kids this big made up story of how daddy left them for me.
That doesn't always mean Bm
That doesn't always mean Bm isn't telling them you are the reason.
I recently found out that BM was telling the skids for the past 8 years that their Dad and I were having sex and that's why DSO and her divorced. Even though she kicked DSO out and moved in another guy she met on the internet a week later and DSO and I didn't go out until 6 months after this....the skids were 12, 6, and 5 at the time of their divorce.\\
I wish I had known then what she was doing so I wouldn't have wasted a lot of time and energy and emotion.
What you have to do is stop
What you have to do is stop trying so hard and give them space to come to you. That's what I did and it worked wonders. It took many years for them to come around but they are.
Of course they're more playful with DH. He's their dad. Of course they are going to want him when they get hurt over you. He is their dad. They've known him since before they were born. They've loved him since before they were born.
I think to so many of these kids, we come across as pushy and annoying when we try so hard with them. If someone was trying so hard to get you to like them, you'd probably be turned off by that person after awhile. That's what happened with my SDs- they got frustrated with me constantly trying to win them over.
Um, I'm sorry to say you
Um, I'm sorry to say you can't get them to like you. It's neither in your control nor is it your fault if they don't like you. Anyway it's not really you they dislike. They just don't like what you represent, the conflict they now have between liking you and liking BM, or the failure of their fantasy of mom and dad getting back together...something like that. You're also competition for them an their desire to be the exclusive loved ones in their dad's life.
One member on this site had something like the following in her signature line: "Liking me is optional, respecting me is mandatory."
Also I'd recommend reading Wednesday Martin's book Stepmonster.
I don't really care if my teenage SS likes me. I don't see how he can, we have nothing in common and have hardly had any time to bond. But I do care that SS is reasonably respectful towards me. That is critical. And for the most part he is. I don't expect him to kiss my rear end just that he treat me with a minimal amount of respect.
You lost me at getting the
You lost me at getting the skids to like me.
I don't care if she likes me or not. I'm not married to her, I'm married to her father.
Stop worrying about getting
Stop worrying about getting Skids to like you.
Their behaviour is typical.
Their behaviour is typical. Younger stepchildren often feel ambivalent about the stepparent figure no matter how much effort the stepparent makes, and will fluctuate between letting their guard down and being affectionate and happy, and keeping their defences up because they don't quite trust you the way they do their parents. That can go on for years, or be a permanent aspect of your relationship with them.
If your stepchildren are generally nice little people it's a good thing to be kind and pleasant and put a little effort into developing a positive relationship, it makes things more comfortable all round, and is an investment in supporting your husband. BUT don't over invest yourself, or place too much importance on getting them to love you. It will be counteractive to your goal of having a relaxed pleasant household because it will set you up for all sorts of hurt, bewilderment and anger if your efforts are not appreciated and reciprocated the way you want or expect. I was an overinvestor, some of the most bitter people on this site were overinvestors, it sets you up for a tremendous fall if you try to be the mum and secretly yearn for the love and appreciation of a mother. If they like you and you can all enjoy spending time together then you have already won, be happy with what you've achieved.
^^^^ yes, this exactly. I
^^^^ yes, this exactly. I like the term over investor. I made that mistake in a previous relationship and it caused so much bitterness and resentment.