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Jealous that BM can have kids

WWSMD's picture

Submitted by WWSMD on Sun, 08/04/2013 - 3:43pm

Please help me with these feelings that I keep bottled inside. BM had the opportunity to give DH 3 children and I can not give that to him. Sometimes it just eats at me. I don't show it to DH or let myself fall apart in front of him. I have always wanted to have kids I can remember playing baby dolls when I was a girl and pretending to be a mommy. Finding out I could not have kids was the worse thing I could imagine but I put up a wall and act as if it doesn't get to me.

It hurts seeing the step children run around and play with DH and knowing they apart of him and I want someone that is apart of me. I have considered adoption and at one point DH did not agree with the concept and thought we could try other options such as a surrogate. I wish so badly that I could have the gift of life in my womb. I imagine how amazing it must have felt for DH and BM having the kids and watching her stomach grow and all the joy and kicks and feelings she felt. I will never have that.

Please help me to over come these feelings of jealousy and the feeling of remorse for not being able to share those experiences with my DH.

Comments

arjuna79's picture

Submitted by arjuna79 on Sun, 08/04/2013 - 4:10pm

(((WWSMD))) I know, I know. I'm so sorry you have that right in your face... Here's what I've learned about that with my dh. When we got together he was already 50, with 5 kids, I was 41 with 1 miracle baby. He wanted one with me. I'm secondary infertile. What to do with that longing, that "natural" expression, that need to share creation? Well, 15 years later, we are just coming into creating our own life, just for us. All the energy and resources that went towards the kids is now there for him - it's like our time. Not to be all corny about it. But we have each other now, without those distractions, with our focus and resources on each other. It's attention he never got as a busy, stressed dad to all those kids. We are creating a life that we've longed for all this time - it's for both of us, within both of us...

Hard to explain. But extra hugs for you, there is still something there that no one else can give him, that he can create for no one else but you.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Sun, 08/04/2013 - 9:40pm

There are two things you are dealing with:

1. Your inability to bear a child.

2. You inability to give your husband a child.

And they are two different things. You of course are mourning not ever going to be a mother. I know - I went thru this myself. But you can work thru it.

And for the second about his not "getting a child from you" - is this really disappointing him? Does he even want more children? I'd like to give my husband a big expensive Mercedes but I can't. And he is not holding it against me or disappointed that I can't.

What you can give your husband that his ex couldn't is a wife that he loves and who loves him. You can give him the gift of having a great life together.