You are here

What to do?

wondering2167's picture

Submitted by wondering2167 on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 5:42pm

I am new to this site and new to "blogging", but I feel I need some advise. I am recently married and inherited 3 stepchildren, all of which my husband has sole custody. This is my first marriage and being in my mid-thirties with no bio children of my own I am starting to feel like the odd man out. I knew going into this relationship that my husband had his tubes tied and in the very beginning I was fine with it. Now I am starting to feel different, like I am the "third wheel" and I hate it when strangers ask me, "are these your kids", because the kids are quick to answer "no". I am the one who does the housework, provides 50% of the income, sits up with them when they are sick, helps them with their homework, yet I am number two in their lives. My husband thinks different, but I feel like I want and deserve more than to be a "step anything". So I have been doing some research into vesectomy reversals and other treatments, is it wrong to want a child of my own and is it wrong to ask my husband to reconsider? I am not sure what to do if his answer is no, I guess I will learn to live with it, but I will not deny that their will be resentment, that I cannot help. Yes, I knew this going into our relationship, but I did not know I would feel this sad and hurt that I would be the number two person.

Any advise is welcome and thanks.

PS what are the abbreviations for stepmom, kids, etc...?

Comments

Iwantmylifebackj's picture

Submitted by Iwantmylifebackj on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 5:47pm

I am in the same boat as you. I have no children on my own and my husband has a daughter (25). Same dilema. I told my H from the beginning that I want a child, but looking at SD. I have to think twice, because raising losers are not something I want to do. I am separated right now with my H. So, that tells you a lot about our marriage. A person can only take so much... I am at my end. Either "we" change our marriage or never. I don't want to live like that ever again.

alwaysme's picture

Submitted by alwaysme on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 6:05pm

Yes and welcome to step parenting, the first thing to do is accept that no matter what you do for these kids they are never going to be grateful or consider you number 1. Once you accept that it will become easier to stop trying so hard. Honestly stop doing so much for them because unfortunately it is a thankless job and it sucks. Care for them and love them but learn to step back and say NO, it is not always up to you. You will save your sanity trust me.

I think that you only get 1 chance at life and if you really feel you would like to have your own child then you should do it, do you really want to regret not having 1 in 20 years just because your husband already has 3, i think him expecting you to not have any children with him would be considerably unfair on you and could possibly lead to the deterioration of your marriage anyway. Resentment is a horrible burden.

This is something that you really need to discuss with him asap as you may actually have to move on from your marriage if he is dead set against anymore children. Sometimes you need to put yourself first.

Shell8078's picture

Submitted by Shell8078 on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 6:52pm

Read Stepmonster...... Another Blogger Wrote About it today, I started to read it and it give some good advice.

We are here for you, just blogg away.

Marie Antionette's picture

Submitted by Marie Antionette on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 9:11pm

Welcome!!! Thanks for bringing this up!
Im treating FDH as future darling/dear husband, and BM as Biological Mother (or bowel movement pending my irritation level at that moment) correct me if im wrong ladies!
What kind of role does BM play in these kids lives?
The sales pitch I keep getting on the step mom side is - you get to be the fun one! BM or DH can deal with all the sticky parent stuff, and you can take them for icecream afterwords. If you manage to find a way to do that with them living in your home let me know. Totally agree with everybody above. Its a special kind of pain not to be first, but the way I try to see it is DH looked at you and thought yes she will make a safe and happy home and family for those I love best, so in a way you're just a different kind of first.

Get a pet or high maintenance hobby before you get a kid, see how that goes with you two. And we had the deal before we got serious that we would try for kids, but that was before another 6 year old bonus kid showed up from his rambling youth through DFS. He tried to tell me he didnt want to have kids anymore (acceptable view given the sudden situation), and I reminded him that was not our agreement. Im not even sure if I want one, but if the deal was done, thats the situation. If you two made a deal not to have kids, its hard to try and go back on that, but time changes, and I can already see you'll approach it with love and tact. I am bitterly jealous of your love for your skids. You are a very sweet person to be able to care so openly.