First, I have to just say that I am extremely thankful that I have found this place where I can not only vent, but more importantly find sympathetic ears from people who are in the trenches with me. Thank you for all and any advice.
That said, I obviously had reached my last straw yesterday. I was already at that point when the day began with me telling SD to pick up the toys and put them in the toy box. I let the dog out and started doing dishes. SD had picked up only a couple of toys and hubby put in a video for her so she stopped. I went into the living room and told her again to pick up the toys. A couple of minutes later, I walked back in to the room and she was sitting back down watching the video. Hubby had been sitting in the room with her (of course - he can't let his little princess do anything by herself - she is the most dependent child I have seen and is lacking creativity and the ability to entertain herself because of it), heard me tell her to pick up the toys, yet said nothing when she neglected to do as she was told. I tturned off the video and sent her to her room for not listening. Hubby and I got into it again. WHAT IS WRONG WITH TELLING A 4YR OLD TO PICK UP THE TOYS? IS IT THAT DIFFICULT? I certainly didn't take every single toy out of the toy box and throw them about several rooms. THAT THIN STRING HOLDING MY SANITY JUST BROKE!!!
I told my husband that I needed a break from his daughter and that if I didn't get it I was going to take our kids and spend the holiday weekend at my parents(we are suppossed to have her this coming Friday night until Monday evening) and I knew that I was going to burst if I had to be around her.
MIRACLES DO HAPPEN - MY HUSBAND FINALLY TOOK ME SERIOUSLY!! He knows I haven't been feeling well (I went to the doctor yesterday and not only have an ear infection and fluid behind both ears, but I had also discovered 3 lumps on my arm (causing numbness and pain)and they are sending me to get an MRI next week.
My husband not only arranged with BM to take SD Friday night til SAturday to give us time together, but is going to ask his mom to take her Saturday night for a sleep over. Then, he even made an appointment with a family counselor (something we have talked about but has never actually happened). Later in the afternoon, he was outside with the girls and they were playing in a little pool. SD took a big bucket of water and just threw it in my 18mo old's face. We allow splashing and playing, but try to avoid throwing things in faces. I saw it from the patio door and went outside. Hubby watched as I told SD that was not allowed. SD did it again after I turned around to go tend baby. I took the bucket and threw water in her face to show her that it is not fun or nice when someone does it to her so she should not do it to others. I normally try to steer away from disciplining like that, but sometimes they have to see for themselves that they don't like it. Hubby didn't say a word to me, just smiled and reinforced what I had told her. Wow - a step in the direction of co-parenting and teamwork.
Unlike some of the hubby's that I have read about on this sight, I am lucky that mine actually agrees that there need to be changes with his daughter. But like most men, he doesn't know what or how to go about making then. He does think that I am part of the problem...and I can agree with that to an extent. However, I think that BM, SD, and he are also to blame. Things are never going to be simple, but hopefully they can get better.
This I know...I don't want my marriage to end, I want my children to be raised in a house with both parents, we all need to change. I know I need to change my attitude, he needs to change his over-compensation, BM needs to actually parent, and SD needs to behave and learn stability, discipline, and structure.