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Does Time Heal All Wounds?

wits end's picture

Submitted by wits end on Thu, 08/30/2007 - 12:43pm

So the saying goes that "Time will heal all wounds." This question is directed to all of the step parents out there who have been dealing with it for a long time...Do things get better with time? Do the BM's stop treating us SM's like crap? Do the BM's stop acting like insane idiots? Do the BM's ever treat the BD's better? Do the skids ever learn to behave? Does it get easier dealing with skids? Do the skids ever become less of an issue in a marriage?

While I pray and hope that things get easier, there are times that it is hard to believe that things get better over time. In my situation with my SD and hubby, new issues constantly arise and old issues with skids remain current issues. If my SD isn't whining, lying, throwing tantrums, crying, or bossing, the new thing is touching and kissing neighborhood kids. THE KID IS ONLY 4!
If BM isn't letting the kid watch Chucky - yeah the creepy movie that I don't even I get scared of, then she's letting her stay up all hours of the night (til 1am). There is always something and always problems...do they ever smooth out?

another question, how do you make time for your biological family without hubby feeling like you are trying to exclude his kid? Seriously, all of my husband's days off work (he works 2 on, 2 off, 3 on, 2 off, 2 on, 3 off) yeah - odd I know, but all of the off days we have his daughter - her BM can't prioritize her daughter enough to be able to afford pre school even though she lives for free with BM's dad. We never get a break, and we never get time for just us and our 2 kids.

Comments

Colorado Girl's picture

Submitted by Colorado Girl on Thu, 08/30/2007 - 2:41pm

I've read your post and you have so many questions with what I already think is your answer. Time. We all need time to get over all this crap. This helps us along the way to make it better for ourselves and to learn coping skills because there is a good chance those BMs will NEVER get better. (I still hope she'll lighten up but I'm not very optimistic) We know their parenting skills are useless but what can you do? Get frustrated or try to get over it and move forward. Your kids need you and their dad just like the SD needs both her parents. Her dad SHOULD be a big part of her life especially if the BM is so lacking of good parenting. He does need to try to spend EQUAL time with all of his children distributing his attention accordingly. Your family shouldn't suffer at the hands of a disruptive child/BM. If you desire alone time, plan something out when you know the SD won't be there and nobody's feelings get hurt.

I guess what I am trying to say is yes, time will heal all wounds but you're probably going to have LOTS of new ones along the way. We can just only hope that we have the strength to endure it all....

"To the ass, or the sow, their own offspring appears the fairest in creation."

klinder180's picture

Submitted by klinder180 on Thu, 08/30/2007 - 4:24pm

Time heals all wounds..... or...

Time wounds all heels?

Anne 8102's picture

Submitted by Anne 8102 on Thu, 08/30/2007 - 7:14pm

Yep, that was MY first thought! I don't know if time heals all wounds, but I do know that time makes them easier to endure.

~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

ittakestwo's picture

Submitted by ittakestwo on Thu, 08/30/2007 - 9:36pm

it's funny you ask many of the questions you ask. Today I am posting about how counseling has helped my marriage.

But, two nights ago my DH had a bit too much to drink and we were talking about a million different things. He started bringing up things that I did/said in the beginning of our relationship. So, in a word, I guess, no. Time apparently does not heal ALL wounds. I have and will always admit if I am wrong, I will acknowledge I handled things wrongly and apologize. I guess maybe it varies on the person. I was so hurt and so upset when he brought those things up. I apologized, yet again, but I also asked him if he is capable of forgiving? I know some things can't be forgotten, there are PLENTY of things I haven't FORGOTTEN, but I try to at least forgive. Things get said in the heat of the moment... not an excuse, but it DOES happen... I am by no means perfect and I've said and done my share of things that I probably shouldn't have... but so has he.... *shrug* I guess I just thought he had let some of that go as I had.

Do things get better? Yes. Do they get easier? Yes. But it does take TIME.

I don't know if you're in a position where you can ... but if possible I feel it is VERY important to MAKE TIME for you and DH. That is probably the biggest thing besides counseling that has helped us.

Some of the things you ask about will NEVER change... the BM is who she is. Unless she sees a reason to change, I don't see that happening. Does it get easier to deal with skids? Depends on your relationship with them I think. In my case I know that while my SD gets upset with me, I also know she loves me and she WANTS me in her life. So yes, her and I can talk and it helps that she is getting older, we can talk more these days.

But, you are dealing with a 4 y/o and I am dealing with a 13 y/o, that is a BIG difference. There will always be issues... you're just gonna exchange "these" issues for "those" issues as they grow older. I don't know what your relationship is with your SD, but I would think you should be able to establish a bond with her because she is SO young... my SD was almost 10 and we have a bond now. It's not the same parent/child bond as with my children but it is a bond. She was in tears a couple weeks ago when I told her that I was backing off and letting her dad "parent" her, she told me she WANTS me involved.

So... I guess there is hope huh?

In all honesty, I had to tell my DH that HE interferes TOO much, he tends to be "overly" protective of her and that causes problems in our (her and I) relationship. I asked him to TRUST me instead of assuming the worst of me.

Time does not heal ALL wounds, but if there is enough love, it sure does help.

It is what it is...

luvdagirl's picture

Submitted by luvdagirl on Fri, 08/31/2007 - 12:45am

From the survey I see I must be a senior citizen here- I felt young until I saw that! but I have been around since SD was 4 and Now shes 14- yep that long. BM has never stopped being petty and doing stupid things, she also doesn't treat DH any better unless she has decided to lust for him again or needs something......BUT......Like with anything in life if you do it enough you begin to learn the best way to do it,you learn that there are many things you can sway but its better to recognize those you can't control and accept that some people just don't change.
SD was angry at me at first because of wanting to protect BM and what she thought was my fault but that changed with time and now we are the closest of her parent relationships and I am so happy that DH and I have been able to hold it together(even if only by a thread at times)and I think since we have survived this we can get through anything else that comes our way.

There is no reaon where logic does not exist